A few days ago a diary I wrote almost two years ago and then deleted was pointed out to me. At first I couldn’t recall it, the comments I got about it were very negative.
But even at that, if I had done something that disturbed people, even ones I don’t think very highly of anyway, it still mattered to me as a person. When some links were supplied, along with the title, I went searching my personal files for that diary, when I found it was I ever stunned. In a moment of high emotion on a subject I was passionate about, the famine in East Africa, I had posted a diary that called out a group of people.
On that particular day a diary that was on the Rec list about something Obama had done and people were upset about was swamped with people while a blogathon addressing an issue of humanity was going on almost unnoticed, or so it appeared that way to me. In the last two days I came to grips with the fact there are some actions I need to own.
To begin with I’d like the chance to provide some context. Our President has done things that have disturbed me, a lot.
There have been good diaries here covering those things, and some not so good that are over the top and insulting to members of this community. For a long time now I have chosen not to Rec most of the diaries because as much as I might agree with some of the diaries, the behaviors of people in the comment threads made me heartsick and angry.
So onto my own shit. In August of ’11 I posted a diary out of built up anger, resentment and frustation. It was judgemental and one of those writings that I should have sat on for awhile and pondered before publishing. As cathartic as it was to write, it wasn’t productive for the community overall and actually ended up detracting from famine issue I felt so strongly about.
I was wrong and I regret it.
Reflecting on where I go when I let shit build up led me to realize that I had done the same thing as of late, only in a different form. I allowed anger and frustration over what I do feel is a really toxic environment here in many diaries and/or the comment threads of them to build up and fester.
Damn, it never fails that when I do that long enough my character defects come rolling out. Because I saw what I percieve as people being assholes I went there and was an asshole myself by setting up a group to poke at a few people. And I’m not going to be phony here. Do I still think some of those folks are assholes? yep. Does that give me the right to act like one, too? Hell no. It contributes to the problem here, and it wasn’t right. Who I really am is a person who believes in contributing in a positive way, not adds to the problem.
In essence the group no longer exists. Not because some people had a fit about it. Again, I’m not going to be phony here, most of the ones complaining I could give a rat’s ass what they think of me.
But the best interest of this community does matter to me. How I live my life matters. What I think of that person I look at in the morning as I wash my face and brush my teeth, that matters.
It's my responsibility to accept that I cannot control how others choose to act, no matter what I think or feel about it. What I need to control and matters most is how I act on my feelings and the impact my negativity can have on this community overall.
How I did in August of ’11 and how I have lately wasn't productive.
And to this community I do apologize.