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Snuggly the Security Bear:
Greetings, from the Department of Justice!
It's me, Snuggly the Security Bear-- here to tell you all about spying on the press!
See, I'm not scary, and neither is Attorney General Eric Holder!
So what if we secretly snooped into the phone records of a hundred or so journalists-- it was all to keep you snuggly and secure-- trust us! Heeheeheehee!
Those people in the Associated Press are helping the terrorists by protecting their sources and stuff.
We're just trying to keep you safe . . . from people in government who leak things to the media!
Which is why my boss Obama has prosecuted more whistleblowe-- er-- criminals-- than all previous presidents combined!
But before we nail 'em, we've got to find 'em-- by doing things like secretly looking into the phone logs of journalists . . . at the office, at home, at the capitol, or in the men's room!
Would you rather have Freedom of the Press or would you rather be more snuggly and secure with the most transparent administration ever!
Best part is-- my warm hugs of security, are bipartisan! Republicans are outraged now, and Democrats were outraged about two-thousand and four!
. . . which keeps them not-outraged in reverse! Partisanship can be so bipartisan.
So of course you can have your Freedom of the Press and confidential sources-- as long as your confidential sources don't mind the government having their phone numbers! Heeheeheehee!