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                "Repeal Obamacare!! Repeal Obamacare!!" Benghazi!! Islamic Jihad!

While craven Cretaceous GOPasaurs still walk the Earth eluding their long-overdue extinction, the Grim Reaper has finally claimed one of them, to the dismay of fellow Baggasaurs, and the delight of most other sentient beings.

Known for her colorful plumage, and painfully shrill "repealObamacare!! repealObamacare" vocalizations, Archeopteryx bachmannii has - at long last - taken her place in the fossil record follies. No more will the denizens of the Minnesotan prairies and lakes cower in shame at the mention of her name. Someday, they will enjoy true representation by an organism with more on their fevered brain than Islamaphobia, homophobia, xenophobia, and Dominionist forced-birth plans for America's females.

Always favoring her right wing, this Mesozoic menace of the skies once flew perilously close to the sun, her delusions of presidential glory buoyed by the hopes and dreams of thousands of witless Baggasaurs. A. bachmanii was the drug of choice to counter the despair that beset them upon realizing that their previous paleo-pied-piper, the pheromone-drenched, leather-clad Griftasaurus palinii, was just not that into them. With their primitive brains, it took G. palinii's faithful fossil followers several rounds of donations before they realized that they were just footnotes in a long con.

By contrast, A. bachmannii seemed to have it all: brains, beauty, repeated election to Congress and service on - ironically - the Intelligence Committee, but - most importantly - a gigantic brood of young including many snatched from the nests of others. Concurrently,  her mate, the curious Flamboyasaurus marcusii, was operating a scientifically dubious pray-away-the-gay laboratory, fueling speculation that these coopted offspring may have been used for research purposes.

Whatever else can be said about F. marcusii - and the fossil record contains more than a few terabytes of quite interesting speculation - he may be best remembered as A. bachmannii's sartorial Svengali. Every quirky bit of coloration and disguise was his handiwork, whether intended sincerely or as mockery remains unclear. A glimpse into his well-appointed cave revealed quite a few similarly styled outfits that did not appear to be sized for the petite Congresscritter. Just sayin'...

This morning, F. marcusii must be seriously mulling his own extinction pathway rather than facing the prospect of his workaholic mate's full-time return to their shared cave. It was F. marcusii who encouraged his hyperventilating mate to pursue a career in paleotaxation law, most likely as a means of ensuring that (1) she would have a viable employment option when The Inevitable occurred and that (2) she'd be out of the house in the meanwhile. Who was caring for the gigantic brood of bachmannians while manic mom was working her 100-hour weeks is anyone's guess.

Ironically, it may have been fossil financial follies that set in motion A. bachmannii's extinction. Paleofinancial reconstruction confirms multiple parallel extinction arcs. Her presidential campaign in flames, A. bachmannii did what any GOPasaur would do: stiff her hard-working staff. While not as epic a move as that of Brontosaurus romneii (who cancelled his staffers' credit cards during his victory-turned-defeat festivities, leaving them without airfare home), A. bachmannii's Mesozoic malfeasance triggered a no-class action suit by those she wronged.

Other financial "irregularities" and campaign law violations have been found in the fossil record, but until now, A. bachmannii's campaign was forging ahead undaunted, leaving researchers to speculate on reasons for her pre-emptive extinction announcement. Theories abound. Another scandal, about to break? A decision to run for Senate? A gig on Fossil-Fox? Fear of losing her government pension? A late-night phone call from [insert name of deity here] (or F. marcusii pretending to be the deity in question) telling her that he has some other Big Plan for her?

Or was it the fact that Minnesota passed a Marriage Equality bill, forcing the uber-homophobic A. bachmannii to flee the state in a tachycardic panic? Remember: she did say that it was permissible for gay individuals to marry, just that they needed to marry an individual of the opposite sex. With her first-hand knowledge of such unnatural antediluvian situations, perhaps there's an untapped career opportunity that has inspired her latest move.

Then again, knowing her, it could just be Brownian motion.

Originally posted to cassandracarolina's fossil record on Wed May 29, 2013 at 09:13 AM PDT.

Also republished by Community Spotlight.


What's next for Archeopteryx Bachmannii?

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| 350 votes | Vote | Results

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