Hear ye, hear ye, boys, girls, moms, and dads, and everyone in between. The Church of Ineffable Stupidity has created a new chapter. We call it Future Whirled.
Given the falling numbers of twue believers, falling receipts at all donation crates, and the fact that church membership everywhere has fallen and continues to fall, especially among the Catholics, Southern Baptists, even the Flying Spaghetti Monster sects, we realized that we had to add more girls to the spice, more Costello to the Abbott, and more Stones to the Rolling.
Beginning today, a newly formed subgroup will lurk and ogle their Shew Stones, and with the help of Nostradamus, tell you the future. So without any further ado, gilt lilies or horses of diffident colours, take your hands off the keyboard, and begin chanting:
"You will see, sooner and later, great changes made, Extreme horrors and vengeances: For as the fool is thus led by its false angel, The heavens draw near to the reckoning."
When the solar orbital count reaches 2016, T & S Palins' arrest will bring no surprise. This formerly famous pair of grifters, long suspected of highway robbery, were caught red handed, with loot taken from their fourth 7-11 robbery that day. Snow Machines do need gas.
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"Pestilences extinguished, the world becomes smaller, For a long time the lands will be inhabited in peace:"
In the year of our lard, 2017, Minnesota rejoices, not because of Michelle's divorce, but because Marcus ends up marrying his long time friend Bill, a state patrol sergeant. The services were held in a St. Paul Mosque, in honor of Bill's recent conversion. Marcus' ex was last spotted hiking to Switzerland, preaching her way to the mountain.
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"The gods will make it appear to the humans, That they will be the authors of a great conflict: Sword and lance before heaven is observed as serene, So that on the left hand there will be great affliction."
As the annual crow counts to 2014, a loss, a terrible, catastrophic loss is endured. Kentucky's Ark Encounter finally opens, despite suits, liens, complaints, and claims of fraud. But an absence of fans and a lack of long lines seems to doom this architectural ode to god's only known effort at self-publishing. No wonder arson investigators continue to trace which accelerant was used just 3 months after opening, what with all those foreclosure threats nipping the Ark Encounter's heels and its now missing owners. APBs to follow.
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"When the eclipse of the Sun will then be, The monster (divine omen) will be seen in plain daylight: Quite otherwise will one interpret it, High price unguarded: none will have provided for it."
As years go, 2018 hath a sad. The Southern Baptist Convention, reeling from suits, rapidly falling membership, and empty pews (not to mention the emptier donation envelopes) decides to deal with reality head on and rechristian itself with a far more accurate title:
"The Texas and Southern Florida Baptist Mini-Conference for Racist, Sexist, and Homophobic Crackers, Buffoons, and TeaBuggered Morans."
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Feel free to consult your own crystal and add your own predictions.