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I fell out of bed this morning trying to get up. I'm fine, no bleeding or headaches or anything - but I succumbed to a sudden gravity attack that left me reeling at the time and still sad now, hours later.

More below the dooblydoo.

Now, I'm not exactly coordinated, aside from all the meds I take. Pills for the schizophrenia, pills for the autism, pills for my allergies, pills for everything.  Some days I feel like I rattle when I walk.  But I don't fall out of bed normally. I don't end up so disoriented that I just hang there like a broken marionette until Mum comes to see if I'm ok - but I did this morning.

There is a pile of clean laundry at the end of the bed that has been there for three days and counting. I washed it - I just never bothered to fold it or put it away - which is not like me. Usually it's folded and put away before it's even cooled from the dryer. The very first thing I do when I get out of bed is make the bed. The bed is made - first thing I did after I got myself back upright. Things have a place and need to be in them. But the clothing sits there and I just pick through it each day to get what I need.

I shower pretty much every day of my own volition rather than nagging, I brush my teeth because $500+ of dental work convinced me that I should keep up with that - it kind of sucked spending every Monday for a month being stabbed in the mouth.  But the clothes mock me.

My mind whirls. Not so much with phantasmic voices or music, but with too many thoughts. Projects I need to finish but don't think will sell - so why bother? Ideas that I'm not artistic enough to get down, much less create. Frustration I can't go home yet. Worry about the upcoming rescheduled SSDI mental evaluation for benefits. A sense of unease about the future at home - how I will manage after becoming soft here, used to running water and close bathrooms and so much food it rots in the fridge. Wishing for a nice fat sack of weed - which I use as a medicine to control the self loathing and frustration levels - none of that here I can find, since I have zero social life. A sense of horror at the genealogy work I've been doing. Not because I descend from "bad" people so much as the stark stories of poverty and sad lives of the women.

One of my great grandmothers was an "old maid" at 23 - her father made a deal with a local widower to become his wife - to take care of the kids he had from the woman he actually loved.  She was just help he slept with. She wasn't asked, she was told - and given to a mean much older asshole down the road by her father.  When her husband died he was buried with his first wife the one he constantly referred to as "my true love," - when my great grandmother died (I'm a descendant of the kids with her, not the first wife) she was buried with her parents - as if she had only ever been an old maid.

Again and again and again I find these women who are second and third wives to men who have lost wives in childbirth or to sickness and I wonder - did they have the same sort of second hand life as my great grandmother? Were they just help to sleep with too? How horrible a fate.

And anger.  Deep, horrible anger. I don't do anything with it, I don't know how to do anything about it - and it's nebulous - it has no specific cause I can pin down. Just a constant fire of angry that licks at my brain and mocks.  No amount of food will sooth it.  No amount of games or sleep will silence it.  It just burns bright and hot and feeds itself on my broken dreams and hopes - I have plenty of those to keep it going.

I wonder what will be the next roadblock to my leaving here. Will I even see my boat before next year?  The way the days drag on - there is almost no chance at all I will sail anywhere this year, not even as far as Mexico for a warmer winter.  Every time I make a plan, pick a date - I am sabotaged by my parents.  And now - I wonder if I am even strong enough to remember how to manage like I did before - do I remember how to be clever and resourceful?  Do I have the strength to be that poor again?  Am I trapped now - a basket case doomed to live with my parents because I can't manage on my own anymore?

My beloved fandom is going through an unsettled time now that Matt Smith is moving on - who will be our Doctor?  The shallowness of the new fans sickens me.  They need the Doctor to be male and sexy (white) and Mary Sue-able or there is nothing worth loving - and I loathe them for it.  What happened to the love of the character for being something other than human? For being unapproachable? What about the adventure and the wonder of remembering what it's like to be 10 and sitting on the edge of your seat? I don't want to hear about how your ovaries will be unhappy with anything less than a smexy white man. I just don't. And I don't want to write porn for them either, the way I used to do in other fandoms for attention and a sense of community.  My porn days are over.

I can write diaries, but not stories. Those blank screens dare me to fill them up with words and I flail - the words drying up even as they swirl in my head and my dreams. Mum paints and paints and everything she does is going in a gallery, her new book just came out and she has readings and signings - and I go back to games because it's humiliating that my creativity won't come out - it just swirls in my head.  My hands are too clumsy. My ideas too big for my abilities.

I have a sad today.  Perhaps it's time to go back to sleep.

Originally posted to Mortifyd on Sat Jun 08, 2013 at 10:37 AM PDT.

Also republished by Community Spotlight.

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Comment Preferences

  •  I enjoy your writing (20+ / 0-)

    I hope today brings you a happy somehow.

    "This is the best bad idea we have by far..." ~Argo

    by MsGrin on Sat Jun 08, 2013 at 10:47:32 AM PDT

  •  my sympathies; I also fell out of bed this morning (24+ / 0-)

    or actually had a fall and fell on my trash can, night stand and a stack of African swords I had been labeling the night before.  Only bruises and chagrin at taking 20 minutes to climb back to my feet that I can discover as the damage but now I need to clean up the mess.  I live in a two story farm house by myself and it seems I have moved all of my life into one small room.  The rest of the house need not exist as far as my needs go.  Kind of strange.........

  •  I'm sorry that the portion of your diary that (15+ / 0-)

    I most connected with is your anxiety about the next doctor.

    It makes me feel really shallow.  :)

    May I assure you that those of us with ovaries do not all long for a "sexy" (I don't really get that Smith and Tenant are sallow and way too thin) doctor.  That's why I liked Eccleston best out of the new doctors.  I thought he embodied the contradictions of the doctor, darkness and humor and the weight of all the knowledge he has to shoulder, much more than the other two.  I bought his pain and darkness.  Tenant and especially Smith are kind of playing their pain.

    You amaze me with your drive and resourcefulness.  I am absolutely confident as an outsider who has never actually met you that you will make it through this crummy portion of your life and escape the swamp.

    I blog about my daughter with autism at her website

    by coquiero on Sat Jun 08, 2013 at 11:03:05 AM PDT

    •  The Doctor is important, that's not shallow (11+ / 0-)

      I mean - he really is to me. Seriously.  Always has been.

      What I love about Matt Smith is how he manages to be an old man playing at being young.  I see that weight pressing on him as the Doctor.  There are moments when Matt's Doctor really looks old and beaten and tired in a way that Tennant never was - and they are entirely too thin to be attractive.

      I was kind of put off by Eccleston and the whole Rose thing honestly, not that I didn't enjoy him - but he wasn't there long enough for me to develop any kind of attachment - he was too busy being glommed onto by Rose.

      The drive may just be the crazy - I really believe that if I can get on the water and sail like I want to - and see the world - I will get better.  I will come out of it stronger and more together and have accomplished something.  And it's peaceful and quieter on the water for me than on land.  But I have to get on with it - Alzheimer's runs in the family pretty strongly and I want to be able to do it - I have no idea what the future and my brain may hold for me.

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Sat Jun 08, 2013 at 02:29:17 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  The drive is NOT the crazy (8+ / 0-)

        The drive is you.

        I don't know what the future holds for you or me, but your drive comes through loud and clear through your writing.

        Did you see this mini-series on PBS?

        Any Human Heart

        As a writer who frequently feels as you do, that my ideas far exceed my writing abilities, I loved this series.

        This once successful writer, faded into obscurity and poverty, ended up being known for his musings and scibblings about his life, far more than by his fiction.

        You are a talented writer.

        I blog about my daughter with autism at her website

        by coquiero on Sat Jun 08, 2013 at 02:42:31 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

      •  I get that part about the Doctor (5+ / 0-)

        I live in the land beyond cable, so I don't have easy access to a lot of shows. I really enjoyed the Doctor Who episodes years ago when they were a staple on the local PBS station - I haven't had a chance to enjoy the new series except for random encounters.

        What I'm still coming to terms with is the end of the SyFy series EUReKA. I liked it well enough to get DVDs of the entire series and finally watched them all recently. It was really rewarding to see the way the show developed over time, and the way the cast really came together. Colin Ferguson as Jack Carter was just incredible - as was the chemistry the cast had going.

        The way the show ended - killed by bean counters who didn't want to keep spending the money needed to do the show right - was at least partially redeemed because they got one final episode to bring closure to the show.

        Somehow I'd like to believe there really is a community of the brightest minds we can find pushing back the frontiers of knowledge, still out there with a Sheriff Carter to hold it all together, with Allison at his side.

        "No special skill, no standard attitude, no technology, and no organization - no matter how valuable - can safely replace thought itself."

        by xaxnar on Sat Jun 08, 2013 at 07:34:39 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  •  Mortifyd: Do you know WHY you fell this morning? (16+ / 0-)

    I know some meds for your 'conditions' can cause dizziness as a side effect, or affect the vestibular function in other ways. They may also be causing, or at least contributing to that underlying 'anger' issue. I know where mine comes from, mine comes from prednisone. But other meds can cause that as well. Something you may want to consider talking about with your doctor in case it is a side effect or caused by taking things in combination.

    Have they moved the date again beyond the last one? Is your car out of the shop yet? Can you save up some money on your own, in case it's time to go and they say no? When is your next SSI appointment? Worst comes to worst that back check when you get approved would work to get you home. I'm hopeful you won't have to wait that long though.

    As to the laundry and such, that may be a situational depression issue from feeling trapped by your parents. As to can you go back to living on the boat and be happy.. YES you can! I have the impression from you that the material comforts aren't nearly as important to you as having your own place, and being safe and happy in an environment of your choosing. You are not your ancestors, you are not helpless and you don't have to do what your parents want you to do with your life. You can be proud and independent and take control for them AND for yourself. You can be what they wanted to be. You are not stuck and helpless. You feel that way right now, but you're not. And you have something else those ancestors did not. You have us.

    "Madness! Total and complete madness! This never would've happened if the humans hadn't started fighting one another!" Londo Mollari

    by FloridaSNMOM on Sat Jun 08, 2013 at 11:46:47 AM PDT

    •  I wondered about this (10+ / 0-)

      I've had problems my entire life with hypoglycemia and some low blood pressure (depending on the mood ... ).

      And one thing I've learned is that sometimes a cookie is just what the doctor ordered. Maybe 2. Or 3 ...

      I've also learned to never let myself get dehydrated---to that end, I'm downing non-alcoholic beer as we speak and will move on to some nice black cherry berry iced tea in a while.

      I'm hopeful your dizziness and maybe even your lethargy might be helped by a cookie or two and some liquids. Might be worth a try, if only because solutions this simple are much preferable to your dizziness being due to a medication side effect.

      Take care of yourself, M. And FSNM.

    •  I'm a very slow waker up-er to start (11+ / 0-)

      and some of the meds do cause a bit of dizziness - though it doesn't usually bother me much.  I just... got out too soon and had a gravity attack really.  Nothing cooperated like it was supposed to - the autopilot glitched.  I'm not really functionally awake until I've had my caffeine source of choice and put my eyeballs on, before that I'm kind of a shambling monosyllabic beast that grunts in greeting and is easily confused - my brain is still largely asleep.

      I have the anger medicated or unmedicated - so I think that's actually me.  Prednisone for me is a joy, but I'm only allowed to have it one or two weeks a year when my breathing is bad - but oh boy, can I breathe on that stuff!  I think the anger is just there from all the frustration of the years of trying to sort out why I'm not like other people and being pushed into the shadow of my perfect and "really sick" younger brother. Yes, now I'm getting support and attention - but I really could have used it at 4 rather than 43, you know?  It helps to know what's going on - but the fact that no one noticed really pisses me off and shows me how invisible I was.

      I agree, the laundry thing is probably a touch of depression at still being here - because this isn't where I expected to be - I thought I would visit a couple months and go and we're on 6 and counting now.

      I have the rescheduled SSDI mental appointment on June 20, so staying for ColCatLady until they get back from July 4th at my uncle's isn't so bad - I can at least get that done. But I've heard so many horror stories about people having to apply again and again I don't feel like I will "win" on the first go - that's just not how things work out for me.  Even people who have been approved talk about fighting for months to get the money they are approved for - it's scary.  I don't need much at all to live comfortably - but I need something coming in - and I am in no state to go out and work for it.

      My car is out of the shop, but I've honestly got nowhere to go other than the VoldeMart for "snacks" and Diet Pepsi, or to go to the clinic.  I have panic attacks when I get lost so I don't venture out much and it's hot.  The A/C is non-functional (Col CatLady and I are having a "discussion" over what refrigerant it actually needs and why A/C is important) so I will have to take care of that after I leave I think.  I can drive cross country confidently oddly enough - the larger scale makes things easier.  It's in cities and towns I freak out about getting lost.

      My "allowance" basically covers gas for the car, ecig tips and craft supplies - and a lot of the crafty things I want my Mum buys for me - and the Goodwill trips I usually talk her into things too - there's really not enough to save, though I try.  But I worry about when I leave - I've gotten used to having insurance paid, to being able to drive, to know that I've got a little money in my pocket every month.

      Material things don't mean crap to me really, and the latest gizmo fever that other people get just baffles me. I'm fiercely proud of my little old boat - but it's my home. It talked to me and wants to travel and promised to keep me safe. The car is an aging tool I intend to sell just before I leave for extra boat funds - repairs, dock fees, etc - since there's no way to take it with or have someone drive it back down here.

      I just feel so... unhappy seeing that I come from a long line of dirt farmers and unhappy women I guess.  It's shameful to me.  Everyone is on the wrong side of the Civil War, no one has any education, they're am ha'aretz - bumpkins.  I'm a crazy guy from a pile of loser ignoramuses.  Kind of hits me right in the ole pride.

      I had all these dreams and was told that I would go far because I was "smart" - and I've gone nowhere.  I'm alone and have to sort out my legal untanglement myself - and I'm still kicking myself for being stupid enough to believe it was possible to find happiness with someone else.  And let's face it - "Jewish, schizophrenic, autistic trans guy approaching middle age who lives on a boat and is obsessed with Doctor Who" is not really what anyone is looking for on the dating market - no matter how attractive I might be. :P

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Sat Jun 08, 2013 at 03:06:55 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  Benign positional vertigo/Eppley maneuver (9+ / 0-)

    Check BPV online....

    It's where a small chunk of calcium breaks loose in your inner ear and tells your brain that you are falling. Very common as we age.  

    There is a simply treatment called the Eppley maneuver - you can do it yourself, but it takes a few tries. You basically turn your head in a spiral fashion to ease the calcium away from the inner ear, while also retraining your brain to ignore the signals.

    Been there, done that.  It works.

    Good luck!

    •  I really think this is a one off (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      coquiero, WakeUpNeo

      I certainly don't need bits breaking off inside my head - I have enough issues there with the gooey bits.  Vertigo is not something I experience regularly - I just wasn't awake enough to get out of bed today.

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Sat Jun 08, 2013 at 07:09:51 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  Writing from personal experience is just fine, (6+ / 0-)

    although I too wish I could produce compelling fiction.

    Have you read anything by Floyd Skloot? I'm reading his very thinly fictionalized personal account of being quite ill and participating in a clinical trial, Patient 002. He has an outstanding sense of humor in the face of debilitating illness and Kafkaesque institutional fuck-ups.

    I also find my pile of clean laundry daunting at times.

    Cheers

    The frog jumped/ into the old pond/ plop! (Basho)

    by Wolf10 on Sat Jun 08, 2013 at 05:59:13 PM PDT

  •  What's so great about creativity? (7+ / 0-)

    It comes when it wants to.  Don't force it.  It's only a symbol of your worthiness if you make it.  The world's full of fabulous people who haven't the faintist creative spark.  But you do.  You're an above-average writer, and you know it.  So do it.  When you need to, when you want to.  But don't force it.  You're not your mother.  

    •  what is the point of having amazing ideas (3+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      coquiero, WakeUpNeo, FloridaSNMOM

      if you can't do anything with them?  Everything I make is never what I want it to look like - it's a shabby copy.  What I right is never as vibrant as the idea - the words don't pop - I get lost in cul de sacs of concepts that in better hands and a better mind could soar.

      The frustration of it all is a pain in my ass - and my Mum being so stupid and selfish in so many ways but successful just makes it worse.  Oh yeah, guess who is invited to speak at a writer's guild? Not me, that's for damn sure.  I'm not invited to go either, I might embarrass her of course being weird and all - but it's just another feather in her cap while I languish with half finished stories on my hard drive.

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Sat Jun 08, 2013 at 07:07:18 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Why would you (3+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        coquiero, WakeUpNeo, FloridaSNMOM

        want to be a part of something where to acheive success requires stupidity and selfishness?  I know, easy for me to say, because I'm in a reasonably good mood tonight.  It does seem like those who succeed shouldn't sometimes and we envy them for it even when we hate ourselves for doing so.  But the vast majority of us -- the vast majority -- will never be amazing, or never have our amazingness shared or celebrated.  And that's frustrating, but perfectly normal.  We come to sites like this... sites born out of frustration over those who succeed but shouldn't have.  But look at it this way -- tens of thousands come to this site every second.  But it's your diary that got spotlighted.  You must be doing something right.

        •  I don't think selfishness or stupidity is inherent (3+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          WakeUpNeo, coquiero, FloridaSNMOM

          in the art or the process, just that my Mum has them both in some ways to excess and succeeds in spite of them.  And it chaps my ass because I KNOW I'm a better writer than she is. Flat out.  But she plods along and gets the paper covered and I struggle because it's never good enough.

          I don't want to be famous or rich or have people all up in my business as "fans" really - or even win awards and talk to people about how awesome it is to be me - because it's just not my thing. It's also not so awesome to be me, frankly.  Alone, mentally ill - it's not exactly a picnic and there's no fairy tale ending coming.  I will eventually die alone, poor and probably found days after the fact. It will be a fight by someone to get me into a Jewish cemetery in the pauper's corner given I'm trans.  I'd be better off as fish food when dead - then I would serve some purpose at least.  That's just the way it is - and no amount of back cover blurbing is going to make it prettier.

          I just want to be able to get the ideas out of my head in the way they are in there.  Not as shabby copies or poor facsimiles. That is the thing that drives me mad - that I am unable to get the ideas out as well they deserve - I can't manipulate the words well enough to reach the level of intensity I feel inside when I develop them.  My sculpture should look like sculpture and not a copy by a disabled 5 year old.  My stories should make people who read them have the feels and be haunted by them for days afterwards.  

          I am a good workaday writer.  I have some talent. But I don't have great talent, and there is only so much honing you can do on good talent before you reach your sharpest.  

          I have a head full of stories - travels in space, different cultures and people, graphic novels of the hazards of marrying mermaids - and horror that will chill your bones. Dystopian universes and beautiful tragedies fill my synapses.  I see statues and figurines and paintings that my hands are too clumsy to make. I hear the most incredible music that I am unable to transcribe before it slips away. I dream in colour, in multiple languages, more intense than my real life is or ever will be.

          And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

          by Mortifyd on Sun Jun 09, 2013 at 12:13:59 AM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          •  Great writers are great because of revision (2+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            FloridaSNMOM, Mortifyd

            they don't just write gorgeous prose right off the bat.

            How many stories have you finished?

            Your mom sounds like a real piece of work.  I'm sure it sticks in your craw that she's successful, but please give yourself some credit.  You are dealing with 1,000 issues that I don't assume she ever had to deal with.  

            I wish you would give yourself a clap on the back and realize how much you've accomplished.  I think if you can get out of the swamp and away from mom and dad's poisonous atmosphere you'll start to feel ok again.

            It sounds like you're working hard on it.  It will happen.

            I blog about my daughter with autism at her website

            by coquiero on Sun Jun 09, 2013 at 08:05:49 AM PDT

            [ Parent ]

            •  I understand editors are important lol (2+ / 0-)
              Recommended by:
              coquiero, FloridaSNMOM

              and I constantly revise what I do write because it needs revision - I can make that structure tighter, or cut out that fat - the fewer words used to the most effect the better as far as I'm concerned.

              There are times my Mum is awesome.  There are other times she's a horrific monster.  Everyone has those same possibilities, including myself.  She dealt with some things I would never want to - a husband with PTSD, a diabetic infant, a weird daughter who did not cooperate with being a doll or a mini-me... a mother in law who loathed her. Bulimia and body issues that now are "treated" with two gastric surgeries and plastic surgery. Being alone with kids in other countries while ColCatLady saved the world... and she was majorly depressed most of my childhood as a result. But she's past all that now other than the PTSD husband with a cat fetish - and she just rewrites everything in her head so it was all fine. Just erases it.  I can't erase any of it.

              I don't see that I've accomplished anything. I had to give up my home and move in with my parents to try to get well - so I realised I was sick - that's not an accomplishment so much as awareness. I can't work. And I don't mean I'm too lazy to work, I mean I can't work right now.  Just being around other people for more than an hour and I'm headed for a melt down, I've lost the endurance I had to block it out until I got home.

              I can't really create. I haven't finished a story in ages - but when I was writing regularly in other fandoms I was ripping out story after story and had a good number of fans.  That's how I met the wife-ish actually, she liked my writing.  And they were good, if porny.  The crazy actually helps the writing for me, medication makes it harder to tease the words out but makes my life better.  Kind of a shitty trade off.

              Right now I'm thinking a lot of what I have in mind at the moment would be better as graphic novels than straight prose - images would make things clearer than pages of description.  But I can't draw.  But I know these are good stories.  I know they are different than what is out there - and I know they are brilliant.  They are just stuck in a mediocre head.

              And right at the moment - Mum and I went out and ran errands and had a fun afternoon for the most part, though I was getting a little people overstimulated by the end - only to come home to a drunken ColCatLady who is upset we were gone too long to suit him and picking at my Mum - and bitching about the cost of my testosterone he didn't pay for. So I am hiding in my room the same as I did when I was 10 waiting for the storm to blow over and dinner to be served to his drunken highness to dry him out a little.  Whee.

              There are things I want to accomplish - to get these stories out, to put products in my shop, to get myself together enough to get my sailing trip to actually happen and then to sail - but they haven't happened yet.  And on days like today - they don't seem possible in my hands.  Maybe tomorrow, but today they seem like stupid pipe dreams - and me without a pipe.

              And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

              by Mortifyd on Sun Jun 09, 2013 at 03:38:47 PM PDT

              [ Parent ]

  •  /hugs (4+ / 0-)

    I hear you. I wish I could help, but I'm as stuck as you.

    DO get a lawyer to help with the SSI, though. Mine has been awesome.

    Get 10% off with KATALOGUE2013 at my shop, or go to the Kos Katalogue!

    by LoreleiHI on Sat Jun 08, 2013 at 06:31:10 PM PDT

    •  I am afraid of lawyers. (5+ / 0-)

      The ones I've met seem like sharks in people suits.

      I have no idea how to pay for one, my credit rating is shit on a shingle... and I need that money, I can't afford to give it to them for getting me money, you know?  Maybe I just don't understand the process or what they do - but it doesn't seem... helpful in a way I can process.

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Sat Jun 08, 2013 at 07:03:56 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  SSI lawyers only get paid if you do. (5+ / 0-)

        Mine is taking 25% of the back payment, and took me on immediately. Most in my area want at least 30%, and wanted me to lose 2x before they'd take me on.

        But I also have some pretty big memory issues, and I don't always process well, since my TBI. So having her there to make sure everything gets where it's needed (especially since I'd had trouble getting anyone on the phone with IP relay, since I'm also hard of hearing), is invaluable.

        YMMV.

        Get 10% off with KATALOGUE2013 at my shop, or go to the Kos Katalogue!

        by LoreleiHI on Sun Jun 09, 2013 at 03:29:21 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  •  This is why I sleep on the floor (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Mortifyd, Yo Bubba, WakeUpNeo

    When I pass out drunk on my mat at night, I have no further to fall.

    I learned long ago; we might sleep, but gravity never does.

    It has to start somewhere. It has to start sometime. What better place than here, what better time than now? - Guerilla Radio, Rage Against The Machine.

    by Fordmandalay on Sat Jun 08, 2013 at 06:52:18 PM PDT

  •  good to hear a hail from the Swamp; sorry it (5+ / 0-)

    wasn't better news, 8-(

    I don't think I've ever heard that 100% of SSDI are turned down the first time, so there's some chance you'll get lucky. Will be sending positive thoughts your way, and of course, you have Merkley to fall back on, eh? One of the better things about being an Oregonian at the moment, I think.

    Good luck, hope to hear from you again soon.

    "real" work : a job where you wash your hands BEFORE you use the bathroom...

    by chimene on Sat Jun 08, 2013 at 06:52:39 PM PDT

    •  There is that - we have an awesome senator. (3+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      coquiero, WakeUpNeo, FloridaSNMOM

      I just... don't count my chickens before they hatch, you know?  My entire life experience has shown me I am NOT the lucky one in the kind of situations where luck matters.  If I need it, I pretty much won't get it.  And I need it.

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Sat Jun 08, 2013 at 07:01:20 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  hey there (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    coquiero, Mortifyd, FloridaSNMOM

    information only-

    some of the psychoactive meds I've had give me a slight feeling of vertigo- hard to quantify, but feels like a bit of imbalance.

    sinus troubles, which can equate to inner ear problems, can do the same thing, or even pain. Given the variety of climates you've lived in, you probably know this, but sometimes it sneaks up on you. Even simple dehydration can cause the same symptoms.

    3rd and last- one of the worst illnesses that I have ever had was a kidney infection that was virtually asymptomatic, until extreme fatigue, vertigo, syncope, a migraine level headache, and a fever put me in the hospital. A simple course of antibiotics would likely have done the trick, but I did OTC remedies until I would up in the hospital for three days.

    I say all that to say this- there is an actual clinical and philosophical meaning to the term 'psychosomatic' and it is the: psych=mind, soma=body. Without the stigma routinely attached to it, those terms together explicitly mean that your mind and body are connected. If it is a physical ailment, your higher faculties are not going to be as sharp as they might be, and the reverse is true.

    If there is any possible way to get the physical aspect evaluated, that would be the place to start. I truly hope that you might find a fixable physical cause and solution, because you really should not have to feel terrible, be sick- you deserve to feel better.

    Anyone who scoffs at happiness needs to take their soul back to the factory and demand a better one. -driftglass

    by postmodernista on Sun Jun 09, 2013 at 03:56:21 AM PDT

  •  Regarding your writing ... (4+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    FloridaSNMOM, Mortifyd, coquiero, ramara

    ... WRITE ANYWAY!  It doesn't matter if 99.9% of what you write down you think is crap.  It's the writing itself that matters - it's like any other skill, the more you do, the better you get at it.

    Try this exercise:

    Every morning, write for 1 hour.  It doesn't matter if all you write is "The quick red fox jumped over the lazy brown dog" over and over.  Write anyway.

    Every evening, read over what you have read.  Choose 1 sentence that you like best.  That doesn't mean the sentence you think is perfect, or the best-written, or the least crappy.  All that matters is that you like that sentence best.

    Next morning, take that sentence, write it at the top of your paper, and go from there.

    Repeat.

    I'll bet that within six weeks, you'll start producing writing you like.  Within six months, you'll have writing other people like.

    Go from there.

    So keep writing!!

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