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OK the company is really called Booz Allen Hamilton, my new employer. I start on Monday.

You will not believe how my job interview went. So I recorded it.

Interviewer: Did you read over the confidentiality agreement and sign all of the copies?

Me: Sure. Here they are.

Int: Great thanks. (Scoops them up.)

Me: Don't I keep a copy?

Int: Why? We will keep it for you. So tell me, why do you want to work here?

Me: I heard that you guys were working hard to protect America. You seem to have lots of contracts. Seems like well paying work...

Int: (Chuckling) You got the last part right ...

Me: ... and I have a security clearance, like your postings call for. You must have checked it out or I guess I wouldn't be here...

Int: Sure. But you have to actually be able to keep a secret...

Me: ... unlike that traitor Snowden ...

Int: (Snorting) ... Traitor? No that's not the problem. That jerk is trying to screw up a really sweet deal ...

Me: What? What sweet deal?

Int: You saw our ad didn't you? With the part about "enriching our communities"?

Me: Uh, yeah. So ...

Int: Well we put the rich in 'enriching'.

Me: How so?

Int: Did you ever see "Wall Street", where the guy gets rich on insider trading?

Me: A long time ago ...

Int: Yeah, well he goes to jail for that.

Me: Hey, are you saying you are getting rich like that and not going to jail?

Int: Bingo.

Me: Of course you will go to jail for that. Everyone gets caught...

Int: Not here baby. We got Bush to sign this beautiful thing called the Patriot Act. We have a pipeline straight to every CEO, trade negotiator, and merger specialist on the planet.

Me: But you can't listen to their calls without a reason!

Int: Why bother? It's trivial to figure out what's going on. Just look at who calls who, who travels where and when for a meeting. Piece of cake. Quietly place a few trades in the market, and snap! You're on Easy Street.

Me: But there are investigators! You still get caught!

Int: By whom exactly? With a secret court? All you have to do is say terrorist three times and 99% of the suspicions evaporate.

Me: What about the other 1%?

Int: Most of those want in on the deal. You 'have' heard of the 1% haven't you?

Me: Yeah. I've heard of the 1%. The ones the OWS people are always protesting about. The OWS folks keep complaining about you spying on them ...

Int: (A little agitated) We don't care about those dirty fucking hippies! There is no money in that!

Me: Wait a minute, why are you telling me all of this in an interview? I don't even work here.

Int: (Smiling now.) Do you always sign things without reading them? Did you notice when I said 'most' of the remaining 1% want in on the deal? There are always a few pains in the ass left. Their lives get really complicated.

You have skills in your background we really like, and I am not talking about what you put in your resume or your application. And we know about your little IRS issue...

Me: Uh, oh. .... Should I start on Monday?

Int: Great! We thought you would like to play on our team. Take the weekend to look for a nice new car.


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