Last night, John Oliver talked about the landmark Supreme Court rulings on gay marriage, and the unhinged Republican reactions to the decisions.
We start tonight with the Supreme Court. Landmark rulings yesterday, striking down part of the Defense of Marriage Act and Prop. 8 in California (audience cheering), a huge day for civil rights. And all of this is the subject of tonight's special report:
Yes, yesterday, America took a giant bold leap into the present. And it was a 5-4 decision, with one judge in particular making a difference.
JEFFREY TOOBIN (6/26/2013): The importance of Anthony Kennedy cannot be overstated. ... There have only been three gay rights — major gay rights decisions in the history of the Supreme Court. ... All three of those cases were written by Anthony Kennedy. He will go down in history... as in essence the father of Constitutional gay rights.
Yeah, and the good kind of father of something gay. Not the kind of father who insists you throw a football with him, and who has never come to a single one of your show choir performances. "You might not think it's important, dad, but it's important to me!!"
Of course, not everyone was happy with this decision. But someone was exactly as unhappy with it as you would imagine: Scalia — the justice whose name most resembles a G.I. Joe villain.
6/26/2013:
SAVANNAH GUTHRIE: He says the court's opinion today, talking about the one striking down DOMA, "spring from the same diseased root: an exalted notion of the role of this Court in American democratic society".
NEWS REPORT: He called it "legalistic argle-bargle".
Whoa, whoa! Argle-bargle. That's a little harsh, isn't it? Or, isn't it? I don't know what that means. I think Supreme Court scholars are going to have a tough time interpreting that in the future. Argle-bargle could mean he's angry. It could mean he's choking on a pen top. It could mean he was scuba diving at the time and trying to communicate via sonar. "Argle-bargle. Argle-bargle-bargle-bargle. Argle-bargle." (wild audience laughter and applause)
But look, Justice Scalia is far from alone in his disappointment for the ruling. Yesterday, more than a dozen members of the Republican Study Committee got together in front of less than a dozen members of the press to share their feelings.
6/26/2013:
REP. JOSEPH PITTS, R-PA: The Supreme Court wants to dictate to the American people what elected legislators can do regarding federal law.
REP. MICHELE BACHMANN, R-MN: And now we have an effective oligarchy of five who decide what the most fundamental issues of our day.
REP. STEVE SCALISE, R-LA: It's a sad day when unelected judges change the definition of marriage and turn their backs on the will of voters.
Yeah, but here's the thing about that. If we did everything American voters wanted, we would long ago have replaced our clean water supply with Mountain Dew and Red Bull.
(audience laughter)
The whole point of the Supreme Court is to keep us in check. Sometimes, we as a nation make bad decisions, and the Court has to come in and say, "Ah, sorry buddy, give us your keys, you're really going to regret segregating schools tomorrow morning." (audience laughter)
There is a reason that Lady Justice is blindfolded, holding scales, and not giving a wink and a thumbs up.
That's the point of the Supreme Court! But look, I find it hard to believe that this is just strictly an intellectual argument. It seems like their anger at the Supreme Court might be coming from somewhere else.
6/26/2013:
REP. MICHELE BACHMANN, R-MN: The Supreme Court, though they may think so, have not yet arisen to the level of God.
REP. LOUIE GOHMERT, R-TX: They were not aware that the most wise man in history, Solomon, said, "There's nothing new under the sun".
Now, now, now, let's be fair. Hold on. Solomon did say that. In fact, he might have said it to one of his 700 wives (audience laughter) or one of his 300 concubines.
But I'm sorry, you were clearly warming up to something.
REP. LOUIE GOHMERT, R-TX (6/26/2013): What we now have today is a holy quintet who goes against the laws of nature and nature's God.
(audience groans)
Really? If your brain can't process God's creatures enjoying different kinds of sex, you don't want to bring nature into this. Because nature is where dogs hump each other in the face.
(video plays of dog humping another dog in the face)
In the face! That's nature! That's nature right there! That is all natural, my friend! Just as God intended. Whoa. Whoa there. Look... whoa... whoa... look, look, look, look. (audience cannot stop laughing at the video) Let's try and elevate this debate. Enough with... you cannot un-see what you just saw. (audience laughter)
Let's elevate this debate. Enough with the House members. Let's hear from a United States Senator.
SEN. RAND PAUL, R-KY (6/26/2013): I think this is a conundrum. ... If we have no laws on this, people take it to one extension further. Does it have to be humans?
What is it with these people and animals?!? Every time! This is the only issue as well where you go there! It's not like you go there with Obamacare. "Oh, thank you Mr. President. What's next? Are we going to give health care to turtles?"
It's only when you're talking about sex that your definitely-not-perverted brains go straight to animals. Look, Senator Paul, it seems like this is a personal fight for you. Perhaps — and I'm just guessing — you're in a relationship with an animal (audience laughter), and you fear that this court ruling is pushing you in a direction where you'll be pressured to get married. But relax. You don't need a piece of paper to define your love. As a wise man once said:
ERNIE ANASTOS (9/16/2009): Keep fucking that chicken.
(shocked audience laughter)
We'll be right back.
Video below the fold.
John started off the show with a
special cameo from Jon Stewart, via Skype.
John then looked at
Edward Snowden's current situation being in Moscow International Airport.
Meanwhile, Stephen talked about how Michael Bloomberg wants to
outlaw the sale of sparklers for the 4th of July, and he shows why Bloomberg has a point about safety.
Stephen then covered some
more gay issues that didn't involve the Supreme Court this week.
He then
lamented the immigration bill passing the Senate, and had a pre-recorded interview with Sen.
Chuck Schumer (D-NY) before the vote actually happened to talk about the bill.
John interviewed SCOTUSblog's
Tom Goldstein about the recent Supreme Court rulings on gay marriage, which went long. Here's the unedited interview in two parts.
Part 1
Part 2