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We know every sperm is sacred. Just look at this biblical text:

…And Judah said to Onan, Go in to your brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to your brother.

And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in to his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.

And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: why he slew him also.

So the penalty for masturbation according to biblical law is death. I'm sure the judicial system in Texas is well practiced in handing out said sentence. Wastrels murdering millions of sperm for their own pleasure must be punished. Severely.

Ejaculation in your sleep is no excuse. If your thoughts are so impure that you dream of ejaculating at night you deserve the same punishment as if you had been fapping for hours over your favorite pornography.

The anti-choice bill in Texas currently being debated is a great start, but we need to go right to the source: the horrible murder of sperm that occurs during male masturbation.

Some activists would have you believe these are just clumps of cells, but anyone who looks at semen under a microscope can tell you that individual sperm demonstrate purposeful movements.

Did you know that we have no actual study that proves sperm can't feel pain when unnecessarily ejaculated? It's true! For all we know, these are living organisms that endure excruciating nerve stimulation when exposed outside of the male reproductive system.

There is a list of actions at the link above detailing the depth Texas will go to in order to save these person's bodily fluids. I would like to add that monitors should be installed in every restroom, strip club, peep show, sex shop, and rest area to ensure that these sperm are not blatantly and wontonly destroyed in a moment of weakness.

Blue balls

Originally posted to Sex, Body, and Gender on Thu Jul 04, 2013 at 09:48 AM PDT.

Also republished by Abortion and Pro Choice.

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