Skip to main content

We know every sperm is sacred. Just look at this biblical text:

…And Judah said to Onan, Go in to your brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to your brother.

And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in to his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.

And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: why he slew him also.

So the penalty for masturbation according to biblical law is death. I'm sure the judicial system in Texas is well practiced in handing out said sentence. Wastrels murdering millions of sperm for their own pleasure must be punished. Severely.

Ejaculation in your sleep is no excuse. If your thoughts are so impure that you dream of ejaculating at night you deserve the same punishment as if you had been fapping for hours over your favorite pornography.

The anti-choice bill in Texas currently being debated is a great start, but we need to go right to the source: the horrible murder of sperm that occurs during male masturbation.

Some activists would have you believe these are just clumps of cells, but anyone who looks at semen under a microscope can tell you that individual sperm demonstrate purposeful movements.

Did you know that we have no actual study that proves sperm can't feel pain when unnecessarily ejaculated? It's true! For all we know, these are living organisms that endure excruciating nerve stimulation when exposed outside of the male reproductive system.

There is a list of actions at the link above detailing the depth Texas will go to in order to save these person's bodily fluids. I would like to add that monitors should be installed in every restroom, strip club, peep show, sex shop, and rest area to ensure that these sperm are not blatantly and wontonly destroyed in a moment of weakness.

Blue balls

Originally posted to Sex, Body, and Gender on Thu Jul 04, 2013 at 09:48 AM PDT.

Also republished by Abortion and Pro Choice.

EMAIL TO A FRIEND X
Your Email has been sent.
You must add at least one tag to this diary before publishing it.

Add keywords that describe this diary. Separate multiple keywords with commas.
Tagging tips - Search For Tags - Browse For Tags

?

More Tagging tips:

A tag is a way to search for this diary. If someone is searching for "Barack Obama," is this a diary they'd be trying to find?

Use a person's full name, without any title. Senator Obama may become President Obama, and Michelle Obama might run for office.

If your diary covers an election or elected official, use election tags, which are generally the state abbreviation followed by the office. CA-01 is the first district House seat. CA-Sen covers both senate races. NY-GOV covers the New York governor's race.

Tags do not compound: that is, "education reform" is a completely different tag from "education". A tag like "reform" alone is probably not meaningful.

Consider if one or more of these tags fits your diary: Civil Rights, Community, Congress, Culture, Economy, Education, Elections, Energy, Environment, Health Care, International, Labor, Law, Media, Meta, National Security, Science, Transportation, or White House. If your diary is specific to a state, consider adding the state (California, Texas, etc). Keep in mind, though, that there are many wonderful and important diaries that don't fit in any of these tags. Don't worry if yours doesn't.

You can add a private note to this diary when hotlisting it:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from your hotlist?
Are you sure you want to remove your recommendation? You can only recommend a diary once, so you will not be able to re-recommend it afterwards.
Rescue this diary, and add a note:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from Rescue?
Choose where to republish this diary. The diary will be added to the queue for that group. Publish it from the queue to make it appear.

You must be a member of a group to use this feature.

Add a quick update to your diary without changing the diary itself:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary?
(The diary will be removed from the site and returned to your drafts for further editing.)
(The diary will be removed.)
Are you sure you want to save these changes to the published diary?

Comment Preferences

Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

Click here for the mobile view of the site