Start your sentence with “Hypothetically speaking…” and you have a free pass to say whatever you want. Yup, even shit about donkey dicks.
When people are acting happy, I remind them they'll never go on a magic carpet ride. That slaps a little reality back into them.
When someone says they don't give a fuck, tell them they have food in their teeth and watch them immediately give a fuck.
I'd worry that a jury of my peers would conclude, perhaps not inaccurately, that I'd gotten away with more than enough shit already
No one truly loves you. Purely loves you. No one. But don't worry. No one truly loves them either. So it’s cool.
We're just a collection of atoms and molecules, coming together in perfect harmony to grant us sentience so we can wonder why women are mad.
Most funding into genetics comes from Tim Burton and his dream of combining Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter.
“What’s he doing?”
“He’s been staring at it for hours.”
“Are you okay?”
man slowly looks up from compass
“West. Call me Kanye West.”
Generally, I'm as surprised as you by the things I say here.