From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Oh! More Things I Know:
> Conservatives pre-July 4th: "Obama killed all our freedoms!" Conservatives on July 4th: "This is a moment to reflect on all the freedoms we cherish in this country every day!" Conservatives post-July 4th: "Obama killed all our freedoms!"Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
> I don't stomp on bugs anymore. I just apologize to 'em for what we've done to their planet and toss 'em a pizza crust.
> It still seems unfair that the Wimbledon men's champion gets a big shiny gold trophy while the Wimbledon women's champion gets a silver hors d' oeuvres tray.> I got "a brief message" fundraising letter from Joe Biden in the mail yesterday. It's 35 pages long.Another thing I know: It's
Rep. and Senator-elect
Ed Markey's birthday!
> Whoever ends up replacing Antonin Scalia on the Supreme Court should be a petulant child so it's an even swap.
> It's ax murderer week on Jeopardy!
> If Mitt Romney had become president, the GOP would look at the June jobs report (+195,000) and hail him as the savior of the economy. But it's Obama, so...impeach.
> If Pope John Paul II can become a saint for performing the miracle of healing people without going to medical school, I should become a saint for performing the miracle of repairing an Ikea drawer without going mad.
> The live coverage of the laser-pointer-filled Tahrir Square demonstration is now the highest-rated TV program of all time among cats.
> Over the weekend I replaced the tetherball in our yard with a bowling ball and invited the neighbor kids to knock themselves out.
> My doctor said I need to watch my weight, so I installed a window in my belly.
> One difference between liberals and conservatives is, liberals correct their mistakes to keep up with reality while conservatives correct their reality to keep up with their mistakes.
> Promoting Ian Reifowitz, beach babe in fl, and ProgressiveLiberal to the front page instantly made Daily Kos---[Clickety clackety clickety clack…Ding!]---31.4 percent classier.
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, July 11, 2013
Note: What do you call it when a certain German composer is thinking about the good old days? A flashbach. ---Mgt.
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the next full moon, when you're required to look up and wink at Neil Armstrong: 11
Days 'til the 36th annual Prince Lot Hula Festival at Moanalua Gardens, Hawaii: 9
Increase in sales for June at GM, Ford and Chrysler, respectively: 6.5%, 13.4%, 8.2%
Increase in June sales of the Chevrolet Cruze compact car: 73.2%
(Source: USA Today)
Increase in sales at the Lark gift shop in Gettysburg, PA so far this year, the 150th anniversary of the Civil War battle there (Gettysburg, not the Lark gift shop): 670%
Estimated number of online product reviews by customers that are fake: 5%
(Source: MIT professors' study via the L.A. Times)
Percent of Americans who view Edward Snowden as a whistleblower vs. a traitor, respectively: 55%, 34%
(Source: Quinnipiac poll)
Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Hillary Clinton has become the functional equivilent of a national Rorschach test of our attitudes toward the changing role of women. All the doubt, guilt, anxiety, and confusion we feel are being projected onto Mrs. Clinton, who is being made to stand for everything from a role model for working mothers to some fang-dripping militant feminist.-
From my own brief acquaintance with Hillary Clinton, I'd say she's not only exceptionally bright, but also a kinder, funnier and nicer person than is generally perceived. As we all get to know her, I suspect much of the controversy will die away.
Puppy Pic of the Day: Saved!!!
CHEERS to second chances. Have you been following the craziness in the NYC mayoral and comptroller races, where fallen angels Anthony Weiner (penis pics) and Eliot Spitzer (prostitution) are hoping to rise again on a puffy cloud of redemption? Eyes belonging to the cynics were rolling early on, but never underestimate our national preference for forgiving and forgetting. As of now, Weiner is tied for the lead in his race and Spitzer is leading in his. If I had to play armchair psychologist, I'd wonder if maybe a big chunk of people are thinking, "Well, they got caught being really, really bad so they'll work hard to be really, really good." If that sounds even remotely plausible, I demand an honorary Ph.D.
JEERS to this week's International Roundup. The latest:
Egypt? Don't ask.Any questions?
Iraq? Don't ask.
Syria? Don't ask.
Israel/Palestine? Don't ask.
Iran? Don't ask.
Afghanistan? Don't ask.
Europe's economy? Don't ask.
The train crash site in Quebec? Don't ask.
CHEERS to "#6." On July 11, 1767, John Quincy Adams---who, despite historian Michele Bachmann's claim, was not a founding father---was born in Braintree, Massachusetts. His presidency was, oh, let's call it a mixed bag. But intellectually he was one of the sharpest pencils in the box, and he followed his White House stint with a remarkable tenure in the House. Adams was also fanatical about that socialist Marxist concept known as "physical fitness," although it once got him in hot (read: cold) water. From Cormac O'Brien's book Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents:
of John Quincy Adams.
While president, he set time aside virtually every day for a swim in the Potomac---a preoccupation that nearly killed him when, upon rowing with a servant to the far shore with the intent of swimming back, a storm brewed. After their flimsy canoe filled with water and sank, the two only barely made it to the far shore. The servant set off in search of clothing, and JQA waited patiently, sitting naked on the riverbank.In a strange way, that sounds like modern-day America: we're all sitting around naked on the riverbank, waiting for the Confidence Fairy to bring us our clothes so we can get back to work. Pay your respects here. But not too loud---his dad's sleeping three feet away and he gets cranky when you darn kids show up with your hippie hair and boom-boom music.
JEERS to Great Moments in Grammar Greatness! Today's gem comes to you courtesy of professional grifter Sarah Palin who, when asked if she would consider running for the U.S. Senate, said:
“I’ve considered it, because people have requested me considering it.”Palin is currently working on a book designed as a bulwark against the War on Christmas. It comes out in November. The same month that her editor enters rehab.
CHEERS to the Bambino's beginnings. On this date in 1914, Babe Ruth debuted in the majors as a pitcher with the Boston Red Sox, and they ROCKED!!! Then they sold him to the (obligatory adjective alert: fucking) Yankees five years later, after which the "Curse of the Bambino" left the Sox Series-less for 86 years because they SUCKED!!! Then they won the Series in 2004 and again in 2007 and they ROCKED!!! Then last year they SUCKED OH MY GOD HOW THEY SUCKED!!! But so far this season they've ROCKED!!! So, anyway. That happened.
HOLY MAMA to livin' large. I was so pissed when I heard that China had scooped us on yet another major achievement…
Chengdu in southwest China is now home to what Chinese officials are calling "the largest building in the world." … [T]he standalone building measures 500 meters long, 1640 feet wide and 328 feet high. It's large enough to hold 20 Sydney Opera Houses and, with about 5.5 million square feet of floor space, has three times the square footage of the Pentagon in Washington, D.C.But, being the doe-eyed optimist I am, I thought of a way to join the celebration without compromising my allegiance to my country: My planet has the largest building in the galaxy! My planet has the largest building in the galaxy! Okay…break out the bubbly.
Five years ago in C&J: July 11, 2008
JEERS to blowing smoke up our ass. For those of you who want an update on the doings at the G-8 summit, I have good news and bad news. Good news: Bush is out of the country. Bad news: this is what their new to-do list for dealing with the third planet from the sun---the one with the fever---looks like (completed steps are crossed off).
2006If all goes well they'll agree to "cut one test emission" by 2049 if they can agree on which cow's ass to cork. [7/11/13 Update: At this year's G-8, they said screw it and drove a Hummer around in circles for three days. It made them happy. Carsick, but happy.]
Agree to "agree" that global emissions may exist.
Agree to "consider" cutting global emissions by 2050.
Agree to "solidify" that commitment.
2009 Agree to "revisit" the solidification of the consideration.
2010 Agree to "adopt" the solidified consideration.
2011 Agree to "pause" in case anyone needs to tinkle.
2012 Agree to start all over since it's been so long since we considered, solidified or adopted anything.
And just one more…
JEERS to "Second Amendment remedies." 209 years ago, Treasury Secretary, Founding Father and Boy Wonder Alexander Hamilton got knocked off during a duel in Weehawken, New Jersey, directly across from Manhattan. I bring this date up not to harp on the silliness of duels, but as a perfectly valid excuse to play this advertising-hall-of-fame commercial with the killer setup one more time:
Have a great Thursday! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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