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Last night, Stephen Colbert laid waste as only he could at the House Republicans for stripping food stamps completely out of the farm bill they passed.

You see, I'm not a guy who just buys whatever the latest hype is.  No, I'm waiting for the next hype to come out, because that's gonna be great — I hear it has Bluetooth.  So naturally, I also reject the lamestream media hype that the Republican-controlled House of Representatives cannot get anything done.
STEVE BENEN (6/20/2013): Congress really can't pass much of anything.

BILL RICHARDSON (7/15/2013): The Congress is totally dysfunctional.

SEN. CHRIS MURPHY, D-CT (6/21/2013): The House has become a pretty dysfunctional place. ... Right now the right-wing Tea Party crowd in the House Republican caucus seems to be running the place.

BILL O'REILLY (7/10/2013): The situation on Capitol Hill is dire.  Congress doesn't know anything, and it can't get anything done.

Bill, I am disappointed.  How can the House be expected to get anything done when many of the bills they vote on don't even repeal Obamacare?  (audience laughter)

For instance, take the immigration reform bill.  It is going nowhere in the House of Representatives because it is full of problems.  Sure, it massively increases security on the Mexican border, but as Virginia Representative and Nordstrom makeup counter victim Bob Goodlatte (R) points out, the bill "overlooked the need for border agents in the 'interior of our country'".  (audience laughter)

Yes.  Yes, thank you!  Our interior borders are defenseless!  (audience cheering and applause)  Congressman, they are applauding for you.

When will we build the border wall with Florida?  (massive audience cheering and applause)  We cannot let those maniacs into our country!  It is legal to shoot each other down there!  (picture of George Zimmerman)

And last week, just last week, the House of Representatives proved that they are not do-nothings, by done-didding something.  They passed the farm bill.  Now, that might not sound like much — traditionally, the farm bill is a routine piece of legislation which provides government subsidies for farmers, while also setting aside money for food stamps.  It's a win-win.  Help for the folks who grow the corn, and help for folks who live on nothing but corn syrup.

Now, the House had not passed a farm bill in two years because 60 House Republicans demanded deep cuts in food stamps.  But last week, House Republicans agreed to an historic compromise on food stamps by eliminating the food stamps.  Jim?

HARI SREENIVASAN, PBS (7/11/2013): The U.S. House narrowly passed a scaled down farm bill today after dropping food stamps from the measure.  Texas Republican Pete Sessions and others said today food stamps can wait, but farm programs cannot.
Yes, farm programs cannot wait.  We need to grow the food that people can no longer afford to buy.  (audience laughter)  You see, Republicans showed that they are willing to compromise, by eliminating the part of the bill they refuse to compromise on.  It's just like a cardiologist who's having problems with the patient's heart.  Instead of getting bogged down in complicated procedures, he simply removes the heart.  Problem solved.  (audience laughter and applause)  The best part, that patient no longer needs food stamps.

And without this government handout, he is motivated to work.  It keeps him hungry for success, and of course food.  Now, the GOP breakthrough did not satisfy mainstream media stomach grumblers, like CBS' senior root vegetable Bob Schieffer.

BOB SCHIEFFER (7/14/2013): You pass a farm bill in the House, it gives billions of dollars, much of it to large corporations that own farms.  It's almost like welfare for the wealthy.  But you don't include a dollar for hungry people for food stamps.  What kind of a message is that?
I'll take that one, Bob.  It is a principled conservative message based on the old adage: Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.  Take away his food stamps, and he'll found FishCo., a multinational seafood conglomerate that gets a massive subsidy in the next farm bill.  (audience cheering and applause)

Besides, folks, let's be clear.  Republicans are not ogres.  Although, if we can find a cheap way to grind bones into bread, they're willing to listen.  They just understand that providing subsistence nutrition traps people in a state of poverty, and that's not right.  Is it, Republican Congressman Mike Kelly?

REP. MIKE KELLY, R-PA (7/14/2013): That's not right.  That's not American.  That's not the way we worked in the past.  And that's not what our future should hope for.  It should be one of blue skies and strong winds at our back, and a nation that has everything that God could possibly provide for us here.  We have tillable soil and potable water.  As far as providing food for people, my goodness, we shouldn't be vulnerable in this country any place.
(incredulous audience laughter)

Yes, we don't need food stamps!  America's blessed with blue skies and strong winds and tillable soil and potable water.  Not to mention elbow soil and drumstick wrappers with some chocolate nuts stuck on them.  Then there's that old man in the park who just gives away bread crumbs!  My goodness, how hard could it be to elbow a pigeon out of the way and peck your way to a full stomach?  (audience cheering and applause)

Plus, food stamps just turns being poor into some sort of poörgåsbord.  Who wouldn't want to stay home and not work when you can rake in an average of $134 a month for food?  That's almost one $5 footlong a day.  3 inches for breakfast, 4 inches for lunch, 5 inches for dinner, and for dessert, the plastic bag.  (audience cheering and applause)

And don't worry, folks.  Do not worry.  House Republicans are absolutely gonna pass funding for food stamps at some point.  And when they don't, if people are still hungry, we'll just combine the food stamp program with the immigration program, and let poor people eat Mexicans.  (audience laughter)  The best part is, they are a healthy snack, because they pick their own vegetables.  (wild audience laughter)  We'll be right back.

Video below the fold.

Stephen also talked about the controversial Rolling Stone cover featuring Dzhokhar Tsarnaev.
Meanwhile, John Oliver talked about the New York City Comptroller race, which is national news now that Eliot Spitzer is running in it, with Sam Bee explaining how this is good news for children.
Lewis Black then had an awesome segment of New Yorkers telling Texas to go fuck themselves.
Meanwhile on Tuesday night, Stephen started off with the media frenzy over Kate Middleton's pregnancy before looking at how the media was expecting race riots after the Zimmerman verdict that never materialized.
He then looked at a new study that shows people can't really multitask.
John started by revealing the cause of Monday night's blackout.
He then talked about the nuclear option in the Senate with Jason Jones.
He then had the latest news on Kate Middleton's pregnancy.

Stephen had on Tumblr founder David Karp on Tuesday night, and then Jerry Seinfeld on Wednesday night, who got two segments.  John talked with actress Helen Mirren on Tuesday night, and Reza Aslan on Wednesday night to talk about his new book Zealot the real Jesus Christ, which went long.  Here's the unedited interview in 3 parts, which is definitely worth watching in full.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Originally posted to BruinKid on Thu Jul 18, 2013 at 05:00 AM PDT.

Also republished by Electronic America: Progressives Film, music & Arts Group.

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