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I see a lot of crazy stuff out on the roadways any more. You may think your state has the worst drivers in the country, but I travel all over and I see it everywhere I go.

Mind you I'm biased. As a middle-aged male it's my sworn duty to teach everyone else how to drive. Or as George Carlin once put it "Anyone going slower than me is a stupid idiot and anyone going faster than me is a raging maniac".

You may even see yourself in here. I'm at least two of these depending on which car I'm driving.

So in no particular order, here's a handy guide to what to watch out for out there.


1. The macho trucker

Not actual size
If you haven't seen this guy yet, you will. About 2 inches off your rear bumper. Screw safety, his F350 Super Duty makes him invulnerable (or so he thinks). Besides, he's in a hurry. A big hurry. Who cares if you're already going 75 in a 65? It's not fast enough damn it and he's not shy about letting you know it.

Best not to provoke him. These days there's a good chance he's carrying a gun.

2. The Hot Head

You don't want to know what he's saying.
Usually male, but not not always. He's angry. Real angry. About what, nobody really knows. Best not to find out. Give them a wide berth and try not to make eye contact.

3. The Multi-Tasker

The poster child for self-driving cars
These come in all flavors, but most seem to be young women. She can do it all - put on makeup, talk on the phone, drink coffee. She can do everything except drive.

4. The Prius Driver

I love this ad
Don't get me wrong, the Prius is a great car. The people that drive them are generally good people and they mean well. They're just too busy saving the planet to use their turn signals or look where they're going.

5. The Passive-Aggressive Minivan Driver

He doesn't look happy.
I like minivans. They're roomy, comfortable and almost invisible to state troopers. Who's the cop going to pick out of the crowd, the blue Sienna or the red Mustang with the hood scoop and spoilers?

That being said, some men seem to get upset when they get stuck driving the minivan. It seemingly makes them feel emasculated and they have to take it out on the rest of us. Best to avoid.

6. The Boy Racer

Take that tires!
Back in my day he probably drove a V8 powered Chevy Nova or Dodge Dart. Today he's more likely to be found in a hot Subaru WRX or a heavily modified Honda Civic. I'd have been this guy but my first car was a 73 Bug, and there's only so much trouble you can get into in a 73 Bug (believe me I tried).

Best to get out of his way and let the cops and/or EMTs deal with him.

7. Das Auto

You don't want to know how much it costs
Let's face it. The "Ultimate Driving Machine" just isn't much fun at US speed limits. Big German sedans are made to go fast and their drivers would prefer you get out of their way and let them do so. I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm sometimes this guy when I'm driving my Audi. Sorry.

8. The distracted SUV driver

I'm not even sure how you could do this
She really didn't mean to hit you. She was just too busy dealing with her kids in the back seat. Frequently found in mall parking lots. Approach with extreme caution.

9. The cool guy

He's cool
I'm sure you've seen him. He likes to sit waaaaaaaay back. So far back you can hardly see him. He probably can't see you either, not that he cares. Usually drives with one hand draped casually on top of the steering wheel. He's much too cool for turn signals, or to even turn his head when changing lanes - which he seems to do quite frequently.

10. The beater

He'll call your bluff because he's got nothing to lose. There's not much that you can do to his car that hasn't already been done. This is me when I'm driving my '94 Buick airport car. Watch out for: leaking fluids, loose steering, poor brakes, parts falling off.

My airport car. The good thing about the color is it hides the rust.
11. The senior citizen
Me in 20 years
They were once a good driver, sometime around the Eisenhower administration. Unfortunately the eyesight and reflexes just aren't what they used to be. Often cautious to a fault. You'll likely find them doing 50, in the middle lane of the interstate, with traffic desperately trying to get around them. Watch out for slowing to a near stop before making a turn.

12. New York Cab Driver

Be afraid. Be very afraid.
'nuff said.

I hope you found this mildly amusing. I'm sure I left a few out so feel free to add your own.

And please be careful out there.

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