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Late night snark may be sinful. But who am I to judge?

"Sunday, on his way home from Brazil, Pope Francis said it was not his job to judge gays. He said that's what the Tony Awards are for."
---Jay Leno

Chamber (empty) of the U.S. House
America's national morgue
"Okay, let’s just be honest now. The House is clearly where things go to die. It's where parents are going to start telling their kids their aging pets went. 'Oh, Fluffy's fine, darling. She just got stuck in committee.'"
---John Oliver
"Today Illinois became the 20th state to legalize marijuana. The state also changed its name to Chillinois."
---Conan O'Brien
"CNN is offering Do's and Don'ts for summertime sex. First Don't: watch CNN."
---Stephen Colbert
"Anthony Weiner's campaign manager quit. He says he's applying for a much less stressful job that has a better chance of success. He's trying to get Paula Deen elected president of BET."
---Craig Ferguson
"Some jackass vandalized the Lincoln Memorial. Who hates the Lincoln Memorial? Democrats love it because it honors the man who freed the slaves. And Republicans love it because it just sits there and does nothing. If it could cry and chain smoke, it would be John Boehner."
---Bill Maher
And a quick reminder: The Netroots Nation team is now accepting submissions for their annual auction, which starts August 15th. Please go through your prized possessions and donate one or more by clicking on this here link. Or you can also click on this here link instead, but they're both the same link so take your pick. We're all about options here.

Okay then. Your west coast-friendly edition of  Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, August 2, 2013

Note: Whoever can guess what the mystery meat is in the C&J cafeteria tonight by taste alone gets a free ride to the ER.  ---Chef Jeff


By the Numbers:
Days 'til I get dirty looks for pointing out that Labor Day is only 31 days away: 0
Days 'til the Fiesta Coloniale Italiana in San Francisco: 15
Percent of petitions for the Supreme Court to hear a case that have been granted in the last three years: 1%
Percent of petitions submitted by the U.S. Chamber of Commerce that were granted: 32%
(Source: Harper's Index)
Number of states, including yesterday's newbie Illinois, where medical marijuana is legal: 20
(Source: Think Progress)
Copies of the Boston bomber cover issue of Rolling Stone that were sold the week of its release, more than double the sales from the same period last year: 13,232
(Source: Mediaite)
Cost of the new "best ever" Google Nexus 7 small Android tablet: $230


Puppy Pic of the Day:  By request, C&J's lab mix Haley (left), who engaged in some shameless PDA last weekend with a total stranger.  Please note her eco-friendly white coat, which reflects the sun's rays safely back into the atmosphere, saving the equivalent of 30,000 barrels of oil per year:

Haley (left) and a yellow lab.  Haley belongs to Bill in Portland Maine and Common Sense Mainer.
(Photo courtesy of Michael's niece, Bethany.)


Employment graph updated for July, 2013 numbers.  162,000 jobs...7.4% unemployment rate.
CHEERS and JEERS to two sides of the same employment report.  The July numbers from the Bureau of Workin' Stiffs came out this morning.  Our side proclaims, "162,000 thousand new jobs!  Three years of uninterrupted job growth!  The unemployment rate dropped to 7.4 percent!  Without the Republican sequester the numbers would be better!"  The other side snarls, "Previous unemployment reports were revised down!  Unemployment still sucks at 7.4 percent!  Without the Democratic sequester the numbers would be better!"  But at least both sides agree: "At least we ain't Yurp!"  Kum By yah, yo.

CHEERS to the Old Man.  On Sunday's date 52 years ago:

Mr. and Mrs. Barack H. Obama
6085 Kalanianaole Hwy., son, Aug. 4
---Honolulu Advertiser, 1961
Remember during the '08 campaign when the traditional media tried spinning the line that Obama was too young and wet-behind-the-huge-ears to be president?  I laughed, knowing that his accomplished POTUSmates in the 40-something club include Teddy Roosevelt, James K. Polk, John F. Kennedy, and Bill Clinton. (Pay no attention to the inept drunk Franklin Pierce behind the curtain.)  Besides, a quick check of the highlights of his birth year, 1961, is enough to make your bones feel a bit creaky:
Barack Obama as a child on a tricycle
It ain't the years, kid.
It's the mileage.
> None of the James Bond movies had been released
> West Side Story won the Oscar for Best Picture
> John F. Kennedy was sworn in as the 35th president---Obama is #44
> The Dow Jones Industrials reached a high of...734!!!
> Median price of a new home: $17,200
> Harper Lee won a Pulitzer for To Kill A Mockingbird
> Elvis's Blue Hawaii started its 20-week run at the top of the charts.
> The price of a gallon of gas was 31 cents.
> Sun Myung Moon could only scrounge up 36 couples to mass-marry.
Certain policy and strategy differences aside (Summers at the fed? Really???), I really like the ever-optimistic Obama, and I'm ready to be adopted as soon as the First Family submits the paperwork.  So Happy 52nd Birthday two days early, Mr. President…and many blessings on your camels.

JEERS to getting picked over.  Yesterday we were whisked by a taxi with no shocks to our dentist in a non-descript dungeon room.  The hygienist stuck a grappling hook into my gums and followed up with a miniature sandblaster that made the same screeching sound as nails on a chalkboard and made my gums bleed.  Then she took pictures of my bleeding gums and displayed them on an IMAX screen that was simulcast in the parking lot.  Then the dentist came in and was told: "I'm concerned---his gums are bleeding."  Well, thank you Florence Fucking Nightingale.  Final verdict: I need crowns, a night guard, more periodontal sandblasting, a plutonium-powered toothbrush that weighs six pounds, and $500 for damaging their grappling hook.  Or as my dentist said under his breath: "I need a new Mercedes."

Woman dancing with the devil
Republicans in the
NC House celebrate.
JEERS to a twisted orgy of madness.  After running their majority steamroller over women's rights, voter rights, students, minorities, the unemployed, the sick and, for good measure, the state's justice system, North Carolina Republicans celebrated by dancing a jig on the House floor.  From The National Memo (aka the LOLGOP folks on twitter):
“It was the final death knell to the progress made by years of social justice and civil rights advancements,” writes SadTimesinNC, who posted the video filmed by Carol Edward on CNN’s iReport.  Republicans have turned North Carolina into a laughingstock and they’re dancing for joy.
They'll spend their recess kicking puppies, stealing candy from babies and short-sheeting the beds down at the nursing home.  Just to keep in practice until the next session.

CHEERS to a class act.  Happy birthday to Peter O'Toole, who turns 81 today.  I was bummed when he announced his retirement from acting last year, but he sure leaves behind a wealth of performances that never fail to mesmerize.  And extra mojo for being able to make me laugh without even getting out of his chair:

In the DVD player this weekend: his performance as a litigant in the famous Supreme Court case Lawrence v. Arabia.  (The scene where he charges at Scalia on camelback is priceless.)

U.S. Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA) holds the gavel during the final session of the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte, North Carolina September 6, 2012.      REUTERS/Jason Reed (UNITED STATES  - Tags: POLITICS ELECTIONS TPX IMAGES OF THE DAY)
Barney Frank, seen here holding John
Boehner's teeny tiny gavel, joins Bill
Maher on HBO's Real Time tonight.
CHEERS to home vegetation.  If you're planning to couch surf this weekend, here are some suggestions from your humble online servant.  (It's me! Billy!)  On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher gets in one more show before his mid-season break---he's joined by Barney Frank, Josh Barro, Jay Z, comedian Larry Miller, and Alexis Goldstein of The Nation.  New DVD releases include the sequel to the better-than-expected G.I. Joe.  The baseball schedule is here.  (The Red Sox will de-fang the Diamondbacks Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!)  On 60 Minutes: counterinsurgency tactics and the relief ship Africa Mercy.  And the weekend wraps up with HBO's The Newsroom, (which I'm happy to say is zippier and more newsroomier in its second season), but not before The Discovery Channel kicks off...wait for it...SHARK WEEK CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH!!!

And here's your Sunday morning lineup, now with C&J's EXCLUSIVE "Fresh Face Index."  Let's see if the producers made any bold and daring booking choices this week:

Meet the Press: Sens. Dick Durbin (D-IL) and Saxby Chambliss (R-GA); Rudy Giuliani; Dan Balz of The Washington Post hawks a book about the 2012 election.  Fresh Face Index: 0

This Week: Joint Chiefs of Staff General Martin Dempsey; roundtable with Matt Dowd, George Will, Jeff Zeleny, Soledad O'Brien, Neera Tanden.  Fresh Face Index: 0

Face the Nation: Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY); world's fastest marathon runner and clean dish cleaner Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI); roundtable with Peggy Noonan, David Sanger (NYT), Dan Balz (WaPo), Barton Gellman (WaPo) and John Dickerson (CBS).  Fresh Face Index: 0

CNN's State of the Union: Sarah Thomas, who may become the NFL's first female officiating referee.  Fresh Face Index: 1 (Thomas)

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Former CIA director General Michael Hayden (who, we hear, sleeps in four-star jammies); Rep. Justin Amash (R-MI); House majority leader Eric Cantor (R-VA); roundtable with Juan Williams, Jim DeMint, Howard Kurtz and Bill Kristol.  Fresh Face Index: 1 (Amash's criticism of the NSA is refreshing.)

Fresh Face Index for all five shows: 2.  But plenty of rotten faces, so, hey, it all works out.  Happy viewing!


Five years ago in C&J: August 2, 2008

JEERS to that wretched stench.  Yesterday George W. Bush flew into southern Maine for a visit to Mummy and Daddy's Kennebunkport compound.  Almost immediately after he arrived, the area was hit by a major storm with deadly lightning, thunder, hailstones, flooding and 60mph winds.  Gee, I didn’t know he was bringing Cheney with him.


And just one more…

CHEERS to the birth of a legend.  And here we are in August, 2013.  Afghanistan?  Clusterfuck.  Economy?  Clusterfuck.  Energy policy, immigration reform, unemployment, personal income, retirement plans?  Still a cluster-you-know-what.  Well, I have something to snap us out of them clusterfuck blues.  Thanks to wayback-machine technology, we take you to tomorrow's date in 2006, when life was simple, cherub-faced children played stickball in the streets, and Daddy came home to find his slippers, pipe, newspaper and supper waiting for him as the aroma of jasmine wafted on the warm summer breeze. Oh, and this was at the top of the DKos charts:

Angry guy
(Artist's rendering)
Since I can't delete my account myself, my only recourse is to be as abrasive and disruptive as I can be UNTIL MY ACCOUNT GETS DELETED. As long as my account remains here, I do not feel comfortable leaving. Is it really such a tough request to delete my account so I can go? Just what kind of website lets you join up but won't let you leave? One that regards people as little more than statistics, that's what. How like the Democratic Party for Kos to view his site's members as little more than statistics.


And, for a brief moment, unicorns romp once again in the Fields of Orange.

Have a great weekend!  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?



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