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This will be a brief diary and I hope you will forgive me if I don't hang around after I hit the publish button.  I will return tomorrow.  Tonight I must cry and grieve.  

On Sunday my husband had a brain seizure and I called the ambulance to rush him into hospital.  The initial, tentative diagnosis was that he had 2 lesions on his brain and possibly brain cancer as well as lymphoma.  This on top of having an MRSA (and nearly losing a leg) last fall and then suffering from ulcerative colitis and recently being diagnosed with stage 4 cirrhosis of the liver.  This evening I learned he has AIDS.  

I am angry with him for risking so much and for changing our lives so drastically, yet I also still love him.  38 years counts for a lot.  Tonight I find I am full of such huge sadness.  I am not ashamed to learn that he has been leading a life separate and apart from what I have known - we humans all come into this world as imperfect, full of our own strengths and weakness and kinks and foibles but I am afraid that our friends might change towards us if they were to know the truth.  I feel bad for not trusting them.  I don't even want to tell my youngest son yet.  My eldest son was with me when I got the news and is being wonderful.  

I am frightened by what the future holds, what the short and long term prognosis is and at the thought of possibility losing him.  He is only 59.  If there is any among the DKos community who has had experience with something like this, I would love to hear from you.  

Sat Aug 03, 2013 at  6:19 AM PT: UPDATED:  Thank you all for your kindness and concern.  My husband is being transferred tomorrow to a nearby city where he will have a brain biopsy and his care transferred into the care of a team of specialists.  

I have already left a message for my hematologist but am not too concerned as she screened me for HIV about 18 months ago when I first started seeing her and, to be frank, there has been no activity which might cause me infection since then.  But I will have the test repeated to be sure.  

I guess I will be struggling between anger and grief for a good while, but am hopeful that I will be able to find humor and joy and let these predominate in the days to come.  

Blessings on you all.

Originally posted to CanadaGoose on Fri Aug 02, 2013 at 06:37 PM PDT.

Also republished by Kitchen Table Kibitzing.

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