A young man, about whom my husband and I care deeply, is spiraling downward, out of control. We thought he was our future son-in-law and we are deeply saddened that there is nothing we can do to help him. All we can do is comfort and support our daughter following the collapse of a five-year relationship. I truly believe this involves undiagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder and, because I am not a family member, I am helpless to help.
After our daughter left for college, we relocated from Texas to Illinois. After graduation, she moved in with us while job hunting. She got a job and, as soon as she could save a little money, she moved into the city. A friend introduced her to this young man and, after a short period of time, they started dating. They immediately felt they had a lot in common since he had also moved from Texas to Illinois.
He is extremely intelligent and had been offered half tuition scholarships at two top-notch out-of-state universities. But instead, he stayed in Texas. As a freshman he lived in a dorm but after that he moved back in with his parents and later dropped out of college. He moved to Chicago, had a series of jobs and was selling gym memberships when they met. After dating a short time, he moved in. When they started talking about their future together, our daughter suggested to him that he needed to consider returning to college and getting his undergraduate degree.
They packed up, returned to Texas and he re-enrolled as a fulltime student. But, he also took on a fulltime evening job at a restaurant. It wasn’t long before he started missing classes and turning in late assignments. Our daughter would wake him before she left for work, but he would go back to sleep. She would go to the apartment during her “lunch” and make sure he was awake so he would make his afternoon classes. I attributed his behavior to his having taken on too much. He had told our daughter that he had moved from Texas because of family conflict. We now know the source of that conflict was this same type of behavior before he dropped out.
At the end of the last spring semester, things got worse. He said that he had never had the true college experience and that he needed some “me” time. She agreed to give him “some space” during the summer. He didn’t take any classes during the summer. He started going out after work with co-workers, sometimes drinking too much and passing out at a (male) co-worker’s place. Then, about 10 days ago, he didn’t even tell her that he would be going out after work. He didn’t answer her calls or text messages. At about 6:30 a.m. he gave the co-worker the code to his phone so the co-worker could send her a text message that he was safe and where he was. That afternoon she got a call from the restaurant asking where he was since he was already 45 minutes late for work. She told the caller that she was at work and didn’t know if he was at home. After she finished work, she sent him a message that he needed to come home after work because they needed to talk. When they did talk, she told him that for months he hadn’t been treating her with the respect she deserved and she thought that they needed some time apart. Since he had family in town, he should be the one to leave. He admitted that she deserved better treatment, packed a few things and left. There was a little communication during the next week, but not much. At her suggestion, they met last Friday for coffee and he dropped the bombshell that he didn’t see himself coming back. She is hurt and confused, but she is also very concerned about his safety because of the escalating drinking.
Comments he has repeatedly made about himself during the last few months –
• He doesn’t know what’s wrong.
• He doesn’t know why he is depressed.
• He doesn’t know where he is going.
• He doesn’t know what to do with his life.
• He’s lazy.
• He’s stupid.
• He’s a jerk.
• His behavior isn’t fair to her.
As I was given more details, I came to the conclusion that he has undiagnosed Adult Attention Deficit Disorder (a/k/a ADHD – Primarily Inattentive Type). I have personal experience with someone diagnosed as ADD as an adolescent. My daughter had already come to the same conclusion because she has a close friend who wasn’t diagnosed until she was junior or senior in college after exhibiting similar problems. A co-worker suggested that I go to the website for CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention –Deficit / Hyperactivity Disorder) to learn more about adults with ADD. Here are some quotes from their site and the National Resource Center on AD|HD site to which CHADD links:
ADHD is a lifelong disorder. Sure, the symptoms can change with age, but for many people the disorder can continue to create great difficulty when it’s not treated. Many people with undiagnosed and untreated ADHD encounter formidable obstacles at home, in relationships, and in the workplace.
Good relationships take a lot of work, whether they are with a spouse, a significant other, a child, or a friend. When one of the people involved has ADHD, there can be additional challenges. Impulsiveness and forgetfulness can be major hindrances to building trusting relationships. And if you are like most people with ADHD, you have received many negative messages about your behavior, and your sense of self-worth may have been adversely affected.
The lives of most adults with ADHD are complicated by overlapping symptoms of such conditions as anxiety, depression, or substance use.
Growing up with undiagnosed ADHD can have devastating effects, with adults often thinking of themselves as “lazy,” “crazy,” or “stupid.” As a result, proper diagnosis can be profoundly healing, putting present difficulties into perspective and making sense of lifelong symptoms.
Research has demonstrated that ADHD has a very strong neurobiological basis. Although precise causes have not yet been identified, there is little question that heredity makes the largest contribution to the expression of the disorder in the population.
In instances where heredity does not seem to be a factor, difficulties during pregnancy, prenatal exposure to alcohol and tobacco, premature delivery, significantly low birth weight, excessively high body lead levels, and postnatal injury to the prefrontal regions of the brain have all been found to contribute to the risk for ADHD to varying degrees.
Whether they get back together or not, I really don't want to see this sweet young man lost to depression and alcohol.