From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
An Open Letter to The Youth of America
Dear The Youth,
Hey! Sup! Got a minute? Right---of course you don't. Well, we're the adults here so put the skateboard down, take your earbuds out, siddown and pay attention.
You may have noticed that the country you live in has turned into a bit of a mess. Not to put too fine a point on it, dudes and dudettes, but our government is frozen in carbonite, people are still losing their homes and selling their bling to get by, the planet's baking, we can't stop shooting each other, and nobody knows how to get anything done. To put it another way: we're running this place with all the finesse of your grandparents twerking on a tightrope while holding a beaker of nitroglycerin in each hand.
But not this youth. He's
destined for the House
tea party caucus.
But here's the good news: your mission in life will be to clean up our mess!
I know what you're saying. "Hey, we didn't crap out this shit. Why do we gotta clean it up?!" First, watch your language. Second, we planned it. Let us explain.
You see, in order to build character and resilience and valuable "life skills," we must tear you down and then give you the freedom to build yourselves up. That means breaking your spirit, paying you peanuts for your efforts, ignoring your concerns about stuff, and leaving this place worse than we found it. But when the time is right, we'll turn the wheel over to you (or, more accurately, you'll desperately grab the wheel from us) so you can fix everything! It's called "tough love," and we're doing it because we care. Quit slouching.
Now, we're not quite done fracking the creamy filling from your spongecake world yet. That will take a little more time. So keep on texting and whatnot for now, but be ready to take over when we give you the signal. The signal, by the way, will probably look like a bunch of grownups jumping off of bridges. Yes, you can help yourself to any beer you find in their refrigerators. We call dibs on the rum and vodka.
We know this must all seem supremely weird and inconvenient, but it's for your own good. If we don't trash the most powerful---some say "exceptional"---country on earth and reduce it to roving bands of shiny-object chasers, you'll spend your lives all healthy, prosperous and happy, and what fun is that?! Trust us...you'll thank us later for giving you this amazing opportunity to dig yourselves out of our hole.
Peace. Word. Get a haircut.
---The Adults Currently In Charge Of Things
P.S. We'll give you a head start with a free tip: invent a tree that sprouts "money fruit." We know you can do it!
P.P.S. Go [your team here]!!!
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Note: We're all just frogs in a pot waiting for the water to boil. Film at 11, which will be watched by a record-breaking audience of real frogs with smirks on their faces.
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2 days!!!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the
return of South Park:
14
Days 'til the
Northwest Chocolate Festival in Seattle:
2
Percent of the 1,004 401(k) participants in a Schwab survey who believe that 401(k)s are harder to understand than their health care benefits:
52%
Portion of Americans who believe it's sometimes necessary to give up some liberty in exchange for perceived security:
6-in-10
Portion of Americans who oppose the NSA's collection of phone and internet records:
6-in-10
(Source: AP-NORC poll)
Percent of men who say they married the person who gave them the best sex of their life:
68%
Percent of women who say the same thing:
45%
(Source:
Details)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 188 (including 6 Wild Weathers and 1 unwanted ingredient in holy water). Soul Protection Factor 14 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Baby. Puppy. Squee.
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CHEERS to Happy Get-along Time! The United Nations weapons inspectors' report has been completed, and it confirms that the missiles used in the sarin attack on the civilian population were definitely launched by dickheads. And as the right-wingers try to paint our president as weak and ineffective, his actual strength and effectiveness is pretty fucking obvious:
"You don't need to see my ID."
"I don't need to see your ID."
"I can go about my business."
"Go about your business, Obama."
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Beyond the chance of easing one of the world's most intractable military conflicts, the deal reached Saturday to eliminate Syria's stock of chemical weapons could lay the groundwork for a new relationship between the United States and Russia that goes beyond President Obama's "reset" effort, Kremlin adviser Sergei Karaganov said Saturday. […]
"The Syrian crisis demonstrated that the two countries can work together quite productively to avert and resolve this and any other conflicts in the region and elsewhere."
Cool. My partner keeps hogging the blankets. Come resolve this conflict at your earliest convenience. Key's under the howitzer in the front yard.
JEERS to the conclusion jumping Olympics competition. Some brief corrections this morning: There were multiple shooters = false. He had an assault rifle = false. The Seaside Heights/Seaside Park fire was the work of an arsonist = false. Everyone who signs up for health insurance via the Affordable Care Act will pay a fortune = False. In lieu of medals, there will instead be a facepalm ceremony.
CHEERS to #1. Sixty-five years ago, on September 18, 1948, Margaret Chase Smith from the GREAT STATE OF MAINE became the first woman elected to the United States Senate (without completing a term started by another senator) when she beat Democrat Adrian Scolten. It also made her the first woman to be both a U.S. representative and senator, and in 1964 she became the first woman to have her name placed in nomination for president. She came in second. Slacker.
CHEERS and JEERS to moolah matters. I admit I don’t know a portfolio thingamabob or a fiduciary whirligig from a hole in the ground, so I rely on headlines to keep me just informed enough on how things are going economically to keep me from panicking and fleeing to my secret underwater safe room. (Pay no attention to that hatch in our basement floor---it leads to nowhere, I tell you!) Here's a few recent ones---as usual, there are some green shoots but also plenty of brown weeds:
We couldn't afford a real sack
of money, so this is actually a
sack full of fish heads instead.
> Wholesale prices stay same…
> …excluding food, energy costs
> Consumer confidence falls to lowest level since April
> Stocks rise as [Larry] Summers withdraws Fed chair bid
> America's super wealthy see their fortunes grow
> Gap in employment rates between rich, poor grows
> Home care workers win minimum wage protection
> Deficits: better now, worse later
> Airline stocks fly high in 2013
> Holiday sales headed for the slow lane
> Builder confidence steady
> L.L. Bean has best spring-summer since 2008
> Gold's worst days are coming
Oh, and also this:
Versace's Miami mansion sells for $41.5M. I sure hope my check clears.
Issue #1
CHEERS to learning something new every day. On September 18, 1851,
The New York Times came out with its
first issue, published by Henry Jarvis Raymond and George Jones who said: "We intend to issue it every morning (Sundays excepted) for an indefinite number of years to come." And while doing a little research I discovered that: Times Square is named after the paper, the
Times got its first telephone number in 1886 and it was "John 470," and the first New Year's Eve ball drops were done from their 42nd Street headquarters starting in 1907 (Really Truly!!!). Now I'm scared, because whenever something trivial enters my brain it means something important gets kicked out. Which probably explains why I just got a sudden urge to gnaw the lead paint off my toys and stick a fork in a light socket.. This is why I keep my neurologist on speed-dial.
JEERS to the poorest richest nation on Earth. The Census Bureau released its annual poverty report yesterday, and a staggering 15 percent of us are at or below the poverty line, including 22 percent of our nation's kids. Democrats are appalled by the numbers and want to take strong steps to reduce poverty in America, like increasing the minimum wage, preserving the food stamp program, extending unemployment insurance, and creating robust public works programs to improve the jobs picture. Republicans, on the other hand, say they've got their own foolproof plan for shrinking the numbers to zero: eliminate the Census Bureau's annual poverty report.
CHEERS to notable promotions. On September 18 in the year 335, Dalmatius was raised to the rank of Caesar by his uncle Constantine I. Historians believe Constantine had a bad case of the flu at the time. When asked out of concern what his temperature was, he responded: "101, Dalmatius."
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Five years ago in C&J: September 18, 2008
JEERS to the word "Sell." I don’t need to tell you what happened yesterday on Wall Street. But I will anyway. All the very serious financial witch doctors swarmed Wall Street after Ben Bernanke dumped out a box of chicken bones and saw storm clouds. What happened next was no surprise: CRASH! (Or, to use George W. Bush's word: ADJUSTMENT!) There's only one thing our political class can do to ignore this situation with the proper gravitas. And that, of course, is to start two weeks of immediate debate on a constitutional amendment to ban flag burning. To the parapets!
CHEERS to Conan O'Bama. Yesterday Barack made a funny at John McCain's expense:
"This is somebody who’s been in Congress for twenty-six years, who put seven of the most powerful Washington lobbyists in charge of his campaign. And now he tells us that he’s the one who’s gonna’ to take on the old boys network. The old boys network? In the McCain campaign that’s called a staff meeting."
McCain responded: "We know we are but what are you? No, wait. We know we are but who are we...? Dammit, how does that go again? Someone throw some coal into the Google!" (I hear he invented that, too.)
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the Swiss Army lobster. I don't know what they're putting in the water down in Hyannis, Massachusetts, but I think humanity may be in trouble:
"I find your lack of faith
in The Force disturbing."
The 4-pound lobster, which has five claws in a handlike pattern on its left side and a normal claw on its right, would seem to be at an advantage if lobsters ever do go to war.
David Libby, who works at the aquarium as a marine scientist for the Department of Marine Resources and who has 40 years of experience working with animals of the ocean---which he said “apparently is not long enough”---said Lola is a first. “Sometimes the genes will just get a little mixed and it will grow a funny claw,” he said. “But I’ve never seen anything like this.”
Lola the six-clawed lobster has been given a home at the Aquarium in the teeny tiny lazy postcard-worthy coastal town of Boothbay Harbor, Maine. Paging Stephen King: I think the plot of your next horror novel just fell right into your lap.
Have a Wednesday that slices your week cleanly in two. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Bill in Portland Maine is Officially Out There
---Scientific American
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