As many of you are aware the GOP aka The Insane Clown Posse recently passed a new bill which would fund the government thru Dec. 15. This bill contains a number of elements that people couldn't believe. A one-year delay of Obamacare; a full repeal of the law’s tax on medical devices. New contraception coverage opt-outs!
Ronald Reagan on Mt. Rushmore.
The construction of a High Speed Rail train line. Going to Mexico. ONE WAY.
All Federal job applications will now include quizzes on NASCAR history. (Calm down. It will be mostly multiple choice. There will only be one essay question. )
Twerking is now a felony offense. Punishable by lethal injunction.
MSNBC must change their motto from “Lean Forward” to “Kneel Down and Kiss the Pubes of our Dark Lord SATAN!!!” (Note: We are willing to negotiate on the number of exclamation marks. See? FLEXIBILITY.)
Ronald Reagan on the $1000 bill.
All applicants for welfare, EBT and SNAP must demonstrate the ability to do 15 pull-ups, 10 one-hand pushups and run a half-marathon. (So as not to be accused of waging a “War on Women” high heels will be worn. By EVERYONE. Gender Equality!)
Speaking of broads, Sarah Palin will immediately be installed as the new Secretary of Education. The Department of Education will not be moved to Wasilla, AK, however, an office will be built in Wasilla so that the new Secretary may telecommute. Michelle Bachmann will be installed as the even newer Secretary of Education six months from now Deputy Secretary.
All public high schools will have their cafeterias replaced with Chick-Fil-As
ABC will immediately cancel “Modern Family” and replace it with the good wholesome family fun of "The George Zimmerman Show"
Weirdness is now a felony offense. (Sorry, Austin but you forced our hand.)
Voters in New York, Illinois, Massachusetts, Maryland and New Jersey will, in addition to showing three forms of goverment-issed ID at the polls, also be required to write a summarization of any novel by Leo Tolstoy of their choice. The 15-minute time limit will be strictly observed. Pens will not be provided.
Tim Tebow will immediately be installed as the starting QB for the team that wins the NFC Championship in January.
The Uniform Code of Military Justice will be replaced by a transcript of Jack Nicholson's "You Can't Handle The Truth"-speech from A Few Good Men.
Egypt will finally reveal just how they built those F$!@#%&* pyramids!
There will now be a $150,000 luxury tax on 1972 Volkswagen vans.
Ronald Reagan will be canonized as a saint.
The Appetite for Destruction-era lineup of Guns n Roses MUST reform now.
There will be a new superhero movie: GALTMAN. It will be provided a budget of $110M minimum and Joss Whedon will be assigned to direct and threatened with incarceration in Gitmo if he refuses.
Wayne LaPierre will be installed as the new Programming Executive of PBS
Jamie Dimon will be given Diplomatic Immunity.
All Abortion clinics must provide enough roof space to double as a emergency runway in case a 747 passenger jet in distress needs to make an emergency landing. This will, of course, require at least one full time air traffic controller to be on duty at all times.
Starting today it's The United States of Reaganica. Also, Canada is now a state.
However, they ARE willing to make some concessions. No doubt to make it appear that they're not total ogres.