The room is decorated with giant teacups and a leftover MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner. John Boehner gathers his troops around as media stenographers take notes.
Marlin Stutzman: We're not going to be disrespected! We have to get something out of this! And I don't even know what that is!
John Boehner: I don't know either. What's our list of demands?
Eric Cantor: We've really tried, and the President just won't negotiate! Originally we asked that the repeal of Obamacare be retroactive, so that people who'd gotten health care in the meantime would have to be re-infected or have their limbs re-broken and any inflamed appendices put back in. But we've gone down to just asking that Obamacare be made illegal from here on, so those who've already had surgery can keep their stitches in while they're being arrested for it.
Random CNN person: And the President won't even meet you halfway and agree to start smoking again?
Paul Ryan: No! And we've also dropped the demand that installing Mitt Romney as President be made retroactive via the invention of time travel. Now we're just asking that Mitt and I be sworn in as of today.
Louie Gohmert: He just laughed!
Random Fox person: Did you include a demand for him to convert to Christianity and retroactively change his birthplace to Kenya?
Steve King: We could add that.
Ron Paul: Here's the list so far:
1. The Supreme Court is to be privatized and contracted out to the Koch brothers.Michele Bachmann: That's been tested, and it works really well on women.
2. All health care plans to eliminate contraception and replace it with posters of Rush Limbaugh.
3. Anyone using food stamps will be required to kneel and beg forgiveness before purchasing food.Darrell Issa: What about retroactively making me Governor of California?
4. Hillary Clinton to resign - that one has to be retroactive, obviously, since she's already out of office - and she must legally change her name to "Benghazi."
John Boehner: Oh, give it up, Darrell, you tried that one ten years ago. You get to do unlimited investigations on everything, including why California's BART workers aren't being forced to carry you around on their shoulders.
5. An upgraded wife for the Speaker.John Boehner: Oh, heh heh, that one wasn't supposed to be on the list. It's a leftover from when Newt was the speaker.
Random print journalist, possibly the last one left: It seems like all of this could be solved if they'd just agree to a "No federal funds for people we think are icky" law.
Virginia Foxx: And yet he refuses to negotiate!
Tom Friedman: The next six months of the shutdown will be crucial.
Friedman is swallowed by his mustache.
Peter King: Clearly there's only one solution. We must repeal the outcome of the Civil War and declare the Confederacy the winner.
Mysterious African-American interloper with large ears and fake-looking beard: Not good enough. The only solution is for us to go Galt - then they'll realize how much they miss us!
With wild cheers, the Republicans go racing off into the night, followed by the stenographers.
The interloper pulls out a weird-looking chessboard.
Interloper: How many dimensions was this supposed to have, again?