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Speaker of the House, John Boehner (R-OH MY GOD) just left the podium after giving remarks to the press, concerning talks he's had with his "colleagues" in the U.S. House about the current government crises.

Using a state-of-the-art Android app, which bases its output on skin-tone, breathing irregularities and rectal temperature, we have translated his remarks for the viewers, below:

"Our leadership team met with our members today"


"Uh, it's chaos.  There, I said it."

"Trying to find a way forward in a bipartisan way."


"Screw the Democrats, I can't even get MY people to listen to me any more."

"There are a lot of opinions about what direction to go,"


"Um, not only aren't our ducks in a row, we've apparently misplaced the ducks."

"There have been no decisions about what exactly we will do."


"I have not yet been informed of my position on this matter."

"But we're gonna continue to work with our members on both sides of the aisle"


"Well, we've locked the Democratic caucus in the House gym and seated the GOP on both sides of the aisle, so I could say this with a straight face."

To try to make sure that there's no issue of default, and to get our government reopened."


"I resign my speakership, effective immediately."

Hat-tip to Meri at TPM for the "I have not yet been informed of my position on this matter." line, which inspired this diary.

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