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When I went to bed on Saturday night, I was so thrilled at the thought of crawling into my inviting-looking bed that I actually took a picture of the damn thing because it looked like something you'd see in a Better Homes & Garden magazine:

Less than 24 hours later, this is where I spent 13 of the most terrifying hours of my life, and it's all because of Obama:

So, here's what happened. On Sunday night, I started getting excruciating pains in my abdomen. It was the sixth time it had happened so I was prepared for what to expect over the next 6 to 10 hours. Being a citizen of the internet, I already knew that this was the fluoride in my body finally being activated by Obama's HAARP machines in order to brainwash me into supporting the Grand Bargain we all know is coming because reasons.

I called a friend to tell them that I was Obama's latest target in his War on Liberals, but because The Great Authoritarian himself had my phone tapped, The Authorities were already on their way to my dorm room.

They took me away from my room in a black van with tinted out windows while playing Al Green's "Let's Stay Together" so I couldn't hear them discuss where they were taking me or what they were going to do with me.

They dragged me out of the van and into the Dark Room of Authoritarianism that had all sorts of torture devices hanging on the wall. It was clearly a power-play to remind me who was in charge -- The Big O. They jabbed my arm with needles and forcibly took blood from my body (as authorized in Obama's War on Personal Freedom) and left this little plastic thing in they called an "IV." I know it was really a mind-control device, but they just called it an IV because that's what they want you to think.

They left me alone in a frigid room with nothing but a small teevee that was stuck on the Islam and Capitulation Channel in order to try and recruit me for His cause. It didn't work. I stayed strong.

8 hours later, they dragged me across the "hospital" (which was a funny way to pronounce "Obama's Torture Chambers") and put this horrible gel on my abdomen in a laughable attempt to make my organs talk. They used a handheld drone to shoot "soundwaves" (read: Grand Bargain propaganda) into my insides to cause them to revolt. The torture tech made a tisking sound when she saw the images (my organs are stronger than they appear) and they wheeled me back to the Dark Room of Authoritarianism.

About two hours later, they arrived.

The Death Panel.

It was surprisingly diverse -- there was a small Asian lady, a very nice African-American lady who was the leader of the Death Panel as she did all the talking, a white woman, and a jittery Jewish man who was only there because of AIPAC's very obvious ownership of the Federal government.

For 10 minutes I tried to convince the polite lady not to kill me, but my Death Panel wasn't having any of it. They told me to submit to some sort of operation (which is how they insert the Obamacare Microchips to get you to "volunteer" for His Authoritarian Army) or else they'd drone me in class one day. I sweet-talked them into delaying the operation for at least a week to let me take my exams without worrying about drones or microchips or anything.

They released me on my own. I'm feeling good. I'm still a little exhausted from the whole ordeal, but I'm sure nothing will go wrong in the meantime -- the black SUV outside will keep me safe.

EDIT: How could I have forgotten this? Duh!

Again, I'd like to publicly thank everyone who helped distract me while I was in the hopsickle the other day. For the past few months, I've been having extreme bouts of abdominal pain, and Sunday night was the last straw and I called an ambulance. They eventually discovered several small gallstones which will require a cholecystectomy at some point in the near future. It's small dice. I'll be fine. I just have to remember not to piss off my death panel.

If you ever have sharp abdominal pains, go get it checked out. This isn't something you want to mess around with.

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