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You work all day making money to buy things so you can stay alive to work all day making money to buy things so you can stay alive to wo...

Morning people are aliens in disguise. There's no other way to explain how someone can wake up without immediately hating the very core of existence.

Think about this: There's no proof that Jesus actually existed, but every person on the planet knows the number of years since his "birth."

If guns didn't exist we'd still be walking around with swords and shit. Breaks my heart that I'll never smite a motherfucker with a shield.

Saying "no" to drugs is stupid. Drugs don't have ears and I'm like pretty sure they don't understand the concept of words.

World: In 2010 you became the only country in the world who hadn't switched over to the metric system. Well?
America: sips beer Well what?

Somewhere along the way, we managed to piss off moths to the point where they're like "Fuck it, let's just eat their clothes."

Telling me I'm scared of my own shadow isn't an insult. Anyone who's smoked enough weed knows that shadows aren't fucking around.

Satan: You can erase me with a thought but you don't
God: So
Satan: You need me
God: leans and whispers Hold me
Satan: Not this shit again

Pointing out the logical inconsistencies in a crazy person's argument is like playing chess with someone who makes up their own rules.

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