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I’ll tell you what’s ruining America. Smart people. They’re what’s causing all our problems. Just think for a minute. Well, OK, “think” is a little much. Turn on your hate juices and let your guts churn for a minute or two here. Who dreamed up this global warming stuff? Right. Smart people. Goddam scientists and whatnot. There would be no global warming nonsense if it weren’t for those busybody smart people.

And the health care mess. That’s totally the fault of the smart people. I mean, if all those smart people hadn’t gotten involved, there wouldn’t be any health care to speak of in the first place, let alone a government trying to shove it down our throats. You cut yourself, you chew some leaves and paste them over the cut, right? Don’t need some complicated government program for that.

Teaching evolution? Special rights for homosexuals? Separation of Church and State? Right. Smart people again. You’re starting to get the picture, aren’t you?

Here are the steps you can take to help fight smart people.

First, home school your kids. In addition, if you use the Bible as your only textbook, you can pretty much guarantee your kids will never turn into Smart People.

Second, try to help other people avoid turning their kids into Smart People. Always vote against school referendums, and vote for the most conservative candidates for the local school board.

Third, always remember that rich people and corporations are your friends. They, too, want to keep the government from interfering in your life and trying to better your conditions. That is one reason why private schools are best for all children: They are run by corporations, and they are specially designed to prevent their students from turning into Smart People.

A daily dose of at least two hours of Rush Limbaugh will help you avoid becoming a Smart Person, particularly if you add at least a weekly dose of Glenn Beck.

You must always be on guard against being infected by Smart thinking.

Here is a quick little test you can take to keep tabs on yourself. Just circle the number from 1 to 5 depending on how much you agree or disagree:

1) Fox News is fair and balanced. Disagree..1..2..3..4..5..Agree
2) God wants Ted Cruz to be President. Disagree..1..2..3..4..5..Agree
3) In the old days, people rode dinosaurs. Disagree..1..2..3..4..5..Agree

Add up the numbers you circled. Any score less than 12 means that you are in danger of catching Smartness and need to listen to Gordon Liddy in addition to Rush. If your score gets as low as 10, you should immediately contact your sponsor in the Tea Party and arrange to receive an immediate infusion of irrational rage.

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