I had a dream the other day that Jesus appeared at the 2014 Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC). Did you know that CPAC actually stands for Caucasian People Acting Crappy?
Michelle Bachmann, not fully realizing she is no longer relevant, was introducing Eric Cantor as “a Jewish man with some really good ideas” when there was a flash of blinding white light and a herald of trumpets.
When everyone’s vision returned, a decidedly Semitic-looking young man in a seamless white robe with a red sash was standing at the podium.
Michelle Bachmann leaned toward Eric Cantor and whispered, “Where did the hippie come from?”
The man at the podium turned to Ms. Bachmann and said, so only she could hear, “I am Jesus, and I can fix those eyes. Find me after I’m done. Oh, and maybe we can work on expelling a few demons while we are at it; you’re a mess.”
The CPAC audience reaction was varied. Many people were asking each other where the hippie came from. There were loud boos and angry shouts…some in the auditorium seemed to recognize the Lord, some were crying, some were praising, and many were running for the exits.
Jesus didn’t need a microphone. When he spoke, everyone in the auditorium heard him in their heads, “How in the world could you screw up something as simple as love thy neighbor as thy self?”
“Seriously,” Jesus continued, “There isn’t any wiggle room in there that I can see… Love thy neighbor as thy self. Unless you are all a bunch of self-loathing idiots, you have completely missed the point.”
“If you think neighbors means just the people in the houses and apartments on either side of your home, you must be smoking something.”
More people started heading for the exits. More people started crying. Newt Gingrich passed a note to his wife asking for a divorce.
“I say feed the hungry, and you people cut food stamps and WIC. Brilliant…you act like it’s always Opposite Day. I say shelter the homeless, and you just tell them to take a bath and get a job. I say to care for the sick, and you try to defund and repeal Obamacare or any other attempt to make health care affordable.”
“People, people, people…sometimes I wish we were still in smiting mode. I could smite the crap out of a few of you. I’d like to give some of you a half-mile head start and then start chucking lightning bolts at your asses, but…we don’t smite any longer.”
“While we are on the topic of weather-related smiting…we do not send tornadoes, floods, hurricanes, or earthquakes as punishment for some cockamamie sins you folks dreamed up…AND…for my sake, leave the gay people alone.”
“One guy with an unrequited man crush writes one verse in the oldest half of the Bible, and you folks lose your minds…It’s an abomination, you shriek…look…Dad invented gay people when he invented leather freaks and vacuum pump freaks. I add this as personal aside…not an order, mind you…I wish the folks that get it on in mascot suits would give it a rest, but Dad invented consenting adults and free will.”
“I came here today because so many of you are doing really sick crap and attributing your motivation to my or Dad’s will…cut this crap out. Do want you will, but don’t try to hide behind me when you do it.”
“Before I leave you today, I’ll repeat two of my greatest hits…Love thy neighbor as thy self…and…What you do to the least of my children, you do unto me…Peace…Out”
Jesus disappeared into the same blinding light in which he appeared…the hall was silent for nearly two minutes before someone in the back of the auditorium screamed, “Socialist!”
The place went crazy.
P. S. – I got a message today from someone on Daily Kos asking after me because I haven’t posted since early August. That felt really good…it kind of bumped me out of a rut into which I had fallen.
In case anyone else wants to know…
I got a new day job about August 1. It’s hard to participate in KOS and Firedoglake from work because I'm really busy and people are watching...the new job is stuff I'm good at...it's way closer to home (no freeway driving)...it's more money...I'm remodeling a room at home...I don't get all the sleep I need.
I am trying to carve out time to write posts, but I think age may be creeping up on me...it takes tons of energy to keep up with the kids at work.
I work with a real Obama hater, so I have kept my hand in pissing off conservatives. It's a good thing my coworker and I are friends. The other day I told him that Hannity was ancient Greek for "lying motherf**ker."
Be well.