Yes, I'm going to write this. Here.
I was raised a Christian. Protestant. Church of the Brethren. Peace church. No creeds. No doctrine. I still have lots of respect for what they stand for. They not only preach peace, but they work for it.
Who I am, to some extent, was formed in that institution. But my parents were "Sunday-Christians."
We didn't even say grace at home.
In 1990, I had been an engineer for around 4 years. When people would ask me "why engineering?" I would answer "to make money, so that I can be happy"
And I believed it.
I made lots of money. I wasn't happy.
So, I started searching. I got in with a bohemian group of poets, painters and musicians. Became lovers with one young woman, for about a year. April. She was a damn good poet.
We were walking around the Old Erie Street Bookstore one day and April picked up a book (which I am re-reading now) by Alan Watts, called"The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who Your Are" and handed it to me.
I bought it. Or, I should say "I purchased it. Then I read it. THEN I 'bought it' "
Here was a Brit who studied Zen, published a book on it, then left his teacher to get his Masters in Theology. Became an Episcopal priest. Then left his church.
Watts did not hide his dislike for religious outlooks that he decided were dour, guilt-ridden, or militantly proselytizing—no matter if they were found within Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, or Buddhism.
He repeatedly followed the path of a religious, only to stop and change course. He wrote many books throughout his life. I recommend them, for intellectual entertainment if nothing else. He had a way of telling the truth without making it into a dogma.
At the same time I was reading Watts, who was telling me not to be afraid to find out who "I" am. "I" (the ego) being ultimately an illusion........I picked out my own book at another bookstore. It is called "Think On These Things" by Jiddu Krishnamurti.
Krishnamurti (or "K") was found at an early age by the leaders of the Theosophy movement, and was told that he would be a world teacher and leader of their "Order of the Star". K accepted this role and became what he was destined to become. But, through this ordeal, he came to see what his particular religious institution was, which was greedy, petty, political, and ultimately.....................false.
Thus disillusioned, with one quiet speech, he gave it all up. He told his followers that he was dissolving the Order of the Star.
Imagine that: The LEADER of a RELIGION dissolving it, and leaving.
I maintain that truth is a pathless land, and you cannot approach it by any path whatsoever, by any religion, by any sect. That is my point of view, and I adhere to that absolutely and unconditionally. Truth, being limitless, unconditioned, unapproachable by any path whatsoever, cannot be organized; nor should any organization be formed to lead or coerce people along a particular path. ... This is no magnificent deed, because I do not want followers, and I mean this. The moment you follow someone you cease to follow Truth. I am not concerned whether you pay attention to what I say or not. I want to do a certain thing in the world and I am going to do it with unwavering concentration. I am concerning myself with only one essential thing: to set man free. I desire to free him from all cages, from all fears, and not to found religions, new sects, nor to establish new theories and new philosophies.
I read his book, which was more a set of questions, than answers. I didn't understand a word of it, but felt compelled to read on. Then I read other books of his, along with Joseph Campbell, etc.
I am not a follower of Krishnamurti. He was a doorway. I was reading his book "Flight of the Eagle" when I had my first........................experience.
I now call it my first spontaneous "meditation" for lack of better terminology.
I was laying on my bed in my room, in a house which I shared with three others, still an engineer, but searching for something more. I remember thinking "this can't be all there is." I was eating some Chinese food.
I was reading K's words, and at the end of a sentence, at the end of a paragraph, he stated "and then the mind becomes silent."
And mine did.
And along with a silent mind, came a complete absence of and concept of time. This feeling that time is a human construct, has never left me since.
Along with this silent mind, and obliteration of the concept of time, came an overwhelming (and very physical) bliss. The outline of my body dissolved completely (it's still gone). The "container" that I perceived to be "me" was gone. It all happened very quietly. I felt as if I was now merged with everything and everyone else. I remained in that "state" for a period of time, my last thought being "Did someone dose my dinner?!" I had been high on grass a few times before. I even did half a hit of acid about 6 years previous.
But they were not anything like this.
After this experience, I wanted to know what had happened to me. I read TONS of books, and found that lots of other people had had similar experiences. There's even a book by William James (brother of Henry) called "The Varieties of Religious Experience"
I read accounts of others who had remarkably similar experiences, and no longer felt alone, or like a weirdo.
Below is one such person's account, a J. A. Symonds:
"Suddenly," writes Symonds, "at church, or in company, or when I was reading, and always, I think, when my muscles were at rest, I felt the approach of the mood. Irresistibly it took possession of my mind and will, lasted what seemed an eternity, and disappeared in a series of rapid sensations which resembled the awakening from anaeligsthetic influence. One reason why I disliked this kind of trance was that I could not describe it to myself. I cannot even now find words to render it intelligible. It consisted in a gradual but swiftly progressive obliteration of space, time, sensation, and the multitudinous factors of experience which seem to qualify what we are pleased to call our Self. In proportion as these conditions of ordinary consciousness were subtracted, the sense of an underlying or essential consciousness acquired intensity. At last nothing remained but a pure, absolute, abstract Self. The universe became without form and void of content. But Self persisted, formidable in its vivid keenness, feeling the most poignant doubt about reality, ready, as it seemed, to find existence break as breaks a bubble round about it. And what then? The apprehension of a coming dissolution, the grim conviction that this state was the last state of the conscious Self, the sense that I had followed the last thread of being to the verge of the abyss, and had arrived at demonstration of eternal Maya or illusion, stirred or seemed to stir me up again. The return to ordinary conditions of sentient existence began by my first recovering the power of touch, and then by the gradual though rapid influx of familiar impressions and diurnal interests. At last I felt myself once more a human being.
Now. I was searching. I didn't know for what. After this experience I didn't know what had happened to me. I still don't really know. But my life has never been the same since. There was "before the experience" and "after the experience" in the history of my life.
23 years later, and I'm revealing all of this to y'all, because someone recently said to me "whatever you're here to do, get to it!!!" Relating this to y'all, was the first thing that popped into my head, so..............
Listen, I've read about all the major religions, and all of them have their truths. They all also have their ignorance, inanity, and superstitions. But they also all converge at their centers, to an unknowable truth.
The "pathless land" of which K speaks.
Chapter One of the Tao te Ching:
The tao that can be told
is not the eternal Tao......
And I guess I'm here to tell people who reject religion, not to reject your natural inclination as a human being, to keep searching...........
So much of what humanity is, are these kinds of experiences.
Sam Harris, atheist, speaks up on the subject:
"Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all."
- Neutral Milk Hotel
I invite you to share any experiences you've had......