Skip to main content

Last night, Stephen Colbert led off by mocking the do-nothing 113th Congress.

And you know where things are always happening, Washington, D.C., where Congress only has 10 work days left, so you know there's going to be a flurry of activity as they pack for vacation.  Because, folks, this Congress has earned a very special distinction.
THOMAS ROBERTS (12/3/2013): The 113th Congress is about to go down as the least productive in our American history.

CHRIS JANSING (12/3/2013): If you can believe it, only 55 bills have been signed into law this year.  That makes this the least productive Congress ever.

CHRIS HAYES (12/4/2013): The least productive Congress in the history of the American republic.

ALAN COLMES (8/8/2013): It literally is a do-nothing Congress.

Oh that's not fair!  They're doing something.  They're getting into the Guinness Book of World Records!  And folks, that makes it twice if you count John Boehner's fingernails.

Now sure, the 113th hasn't passed the bills every Congress does, like a highway bill, or a defense bill, or a farm bill, or a budget.  But, I mean, what do we need a budget for?  Clearly not for highways, defense, or food.  Besides, Congress did pass a bill ensuring that people can fish near dams on the Cumberland River, and they also passed deep cuts in food stamps for the poor, which is good solid governing, because the poor don't need food stamps anymore, now that they can fish near dams on the Cumberland River.  Remember the old saying, "Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.  Take away his food stamps, maybe he won't."  (audience laughter)

And folks, I am so excited to have others report that there's been an even bigger bipartisan achievement.

FOX32 (11/18/2013): Congress is about to shell out $55 million dollars to pay for retirement benefits for a group of chimpanzees.  The 300 chimps are part of a research testing facility, who are being sent to a habitat in Louisiana to live out the rest of their lives.  The money will be used to provide the animals with housing, food, and medical care.
That's right, the government is paying for research chimps to retire to Louisiana.  Because not even psychologically scarred apes want to live in Florida.  (wild audience laughter and applause)  Big Sunshine State fans tonight.

Nation, this is great news, because it means Congress can agree on a social safety net, as long as it's not for human beings.  And if they're willing to reward research chimps with cushy retirement, I see no reason why we shouldn't just offer the same deal to our elderly, as long as we can use them for medical experiments first.

Face it, come on, face it, they already swallow whatever pills you put in the tray.  And since we won't need chimps for research anymore, we can have them do all the things Congress refuses to pay people to do.  Like rebuilding our bridges, or paving our highways.  I mean, it would be so much better!  Because a chimp on a tricycle is funny, but a chimp on a steamroller?  Hilarious!

And come to think of it, why don't we just put the chimps in Congress?

(wild audience cheering and applause)

After all, they've got a lot of experience... they've got the experience you need — they jerk off in public and throw shit at each other.  (wild audience laughter and applause)

Video below the fold.

Stephen then had a Tip/Wag segment looking at the RNC's tweet about Rosa Parks "ending racism".
He then looked at the new libertarian wet-dream fantasy of a Freedom Ship for the mega-wealthy.  What could possibly go wrong?
Meanwhile, Jon looked at how the big banks and other corporations are allowed to get away with ridiculous cases of massive fraud with a mere slap on the wrist in easily payable fines, and talked with Sam Bee about why cable news and even print journalism have kept quiet on these kinds of stories.
Stephen talked with the Equal Justice Initiative's Bryan Stevenson, and Jon talked with documentary filmmaker Jehane Noujaim about what's happening in Egypt, which went long.  Here's the unedited interview in two parts.
Part 1
Part 2

Originally posted to BruinKid on Thu Dec 05, 2013 at 05:00 AM PST.

Also republished by Electronic America: Progressives Film, music & Arts Group.

Your Email has been sent.
You must add at least one tag to this diary before publishing it.

Add keywords that describe this diary. Separate multiple keywords with commas.
Tagging tips - Search For Tags - Browse For Tags


More Tagging tips:

A tag is a way to search for this diary. If someone is searching for "Barack Obama," is this a diary they'd be trying to find?

Use a person's full name, without any title. Senator Obama may become President Obama, and Michelle Obama might run for office.

If your diary covers an election or elected official, use election tags, which are generally the state abbreviation followed by the office. CA-01 is the first district House seat. CA-Sen covers both senate races. NY-GOV covers the New York governor's race.

Tags do not compound: that is, "education reform" is a completely different tag from "education". A tag like "reform" alone is probably not meaningful.

Consider if one or more of these tags fits your diary: Civil Rights, Community, Congress, Culture, Economy, Education, Elections, Energy, Environment, Health Care, International, Labor, Law, Media, Meta, National Security, Science, Transportation, or White House. If your diary is specific to a state, consider adding the state (California, Texas, etc). Keep in mind, though, that there are many wonderful and important diaries that don't fit in any of these tags. Don't worry if yours doesn't.

You can add a private note to this diary when hotlisting it:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from your hotlist?
Are you sure you want to remove your recommendation? You can only recommend a diary once, so you will not be able to re-recommend it afterwards.
Rescue this diary, and add a note:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from Rescue?
Choose where to republish this diary. The diary will be added to the queue for that group. Publish it from the queue to make it appear.

You must be a member of a group to use this feature.

Add a quick update to your diary without changing the diary itself:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary?
(The diary will be removed from the site and returned to your drafts for further editing.)
(The diary will be removed.)
Are you sure you want to save these changes to the published diary?

Comment Preferences

Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

Click here for the mobile view of the site