From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE
Time once again to play "History: Cruel…or Kind?"
Round 1:
Speaker of the House John Boehner says groups that support the tea party have lost all credibility.
History will be kind because it's about time a leader of the stern "daddy party" finally took his unruly brats behind the woodshed.
History will be cruel because when did tea party groups have any credibility to begin with? Billionaires recruiting yokels to astroturf America in pursuit of policies that promote austerity and the suppression of women, minorities, unions, voting rights and environmental protection aren't exactly on track to win any humanitarian awards, and anyone who thinks otherwise is snorting Koch.
Verdict: History will be CRUEL! Boehner had to go rogue because he wanted to avoid another GOP-crushing government shutdown. Come January his pointy stick will be back in its holster and the only things he'll be calling names are post offices.
Round 2:
A federal judge rules that the way the NSA sucks up telephone metadata is likely unconstitutional.
History will be kind because [Redacted]
History will be cruel because Smoking gun mushroom cloud oceans can't protect us if you're not with us you're against us bad judge hair on fire BUY GOLD!
Verdict: History will be CRUEL! KIND! And the glorious freedom-loving Rubik's Cube-solving NSA patriots did not hack this post and change it to make us…er, them look more favorable. It was John Miller from 60 Minutes! Blame him! He did it!
Round 3:
A senior Republican aide compares Paul Ryan to Jesus.
History will be kind because the comparison makes grown-up Jesus laugh.
History will be cruel because the comparison makes baby Jesus cry.
Verdict: History will be CRUEL! Unless "Jesus" is code for heartless weasel, Paul Ryan is not Jesus.
Thanks for playing. Free Samsonite luggage for everybody.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Note: Okay, okay. You can open one present early. I hope you like it---it's a sweater for your Kraken.
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9 days!!!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Oscar nominations come out:
30
Days 'til the
San Diego Tango Festival:
9
Percent of Republicans who view their own party unfavorably compared to 13% of Democrats:
20%
(Source: Bloomberg National poll)
Percent change in the average Libyan household's income in the past year:
+61%
Percent change in the average Egyptian household's income in the past year:
-11%
(Source: Harper's Index)
Value of U.S. imports of Christmas tree ornaments from China between January and September 2013:
$1 billion
Value of the artificial Christmas trees imported from China:
$93 million
(Source: Common Dreams)
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
This news of the new budget deal and arbitrary procedural rule changing in the US Senate seems to be collectively about the worst thing ever to happen in the entire history of law and government in the USA!!! Truly may it be said that the country is now to be crucified on a cross of corn (subsidies)!!! May God have pity upon the nation.
---Hkiernan at Red State
All together now: 1…2…3…
Classy!!!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: They're reading our MINDS, man!
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CHEERS to economic green shoots. The government is refusing to include an extension of long-term unemployment benefits in its decidedly un-grand bargain of a budget. That means a whole lot of lifelines are going to get severed just after Christmas and assure this turd a place in the U.S. budget Hall of Suck. (And no, Nancy Pelosi, I won't learn to embrace it.) So while that crap sandwich festers---the Senate will fling it on the floor today and roll around in it for awhile---there are some encouraging economic headlines making the rounds:
Employers list more jobs
Much smaller U.S. deficit signals improving economy
Retail sales see solid increase in November
Stocks rise along with confidence in economy
GM to Invest $1.2 Billion to Upgrade 5 Midwest Factories
November employment report continues recovery
Ain't much, but better than nothin'. And in other news, "Ain't much, but better than nothin'" has been designated the official replacement for "e pluribus unum" on all our money.
JEERS to this breaking news:
When you think about it---I mean
really think about it---aren’t we
all just Wal-Mart shoppers glued to toilets? This is why you read C&J: the depth.
CHEERS to the original airhead. On this date in 1903, Orville Wright made the first controlled, sustained flight in a power-driven airplane at Kitty Hawk on North Carolina's Outer Banks:
"Hey! Turn off that
fuckin' cellphone!"
Because the Wrights wanted a strong wind for their next test flight, they waited until the early morning of December 17 to signal the station. At the time of the flight, there was a 23–27 mile-an-hour wind, and it was bitterly cold. Soon, Surfmen Daniels, Dough, and Adam D. Etheridge arrived on the scene.
Wilbur and Orville flipped a coin to see who would fly first. At 10:35 a.m., as the plane left the ground, Daniels, using Orville's camera, took a photograph of the first plane in flight with Orville at the controls and Wilbur alongside.
The jalopy-of-the-skies was in the air for less than a minute. It would've been longer but they realized they forgot to load the beverage cart.
CHEERS to marching in lockstep. Remember those red state governors who tried to defy a Pentagon order mandating recognition of the same-sex spouses of National Guardsmen and women? Remember how those governors cried STATES RIGHTS and blustered about how the mean old pentagon couldn't boss them around? Well, funny story: they all
folded like a cheap suit:
Hagel SMASH red
state governors!"
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All eligible service members, dependents and retirees---including same-sex couples---are now able to obtain Defense Department identification cards in every state, Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel announced [Dec. 13]. “All military spouses and families sacrifice on behalf of our country,” Hagel said in a statement. “They deserve our respect and the benefits they are entitled to under the law. I will continue to work to ensure our men and women in uniform, as well as their families, have full and equal access to the benefits they deserve."
The governors surrendered on the deck of a battleship, and got to keep their swords. Let freedom reign.
CHEERS to that little scamp on popemobile wheels. Happy birthday, Pope Francis! He's 77 today. True fact: Francis has won four C&J "Who won the week" polls since August:
"Ya say it's ya b'b'b buhhhhthday!"
August 2 The Pope, for his remark on gays that produced the quote of the week: "Who am I to judge?"
September 20 Pope Francis, for insisting that the Catholic church needs to lay off its bizarre fixation on gays, abortion and contraception
November 29 Pope Francis, for issuing a papal manifesto that calls for an end to trickle-down economics and the 'new tyranny' of income inequality
December 13 Pope Francis: Time's Person of the Year
I hope he likes the holy water super-soaker we got him. With a range of 500 yards, now
everybody can be blessed!
JEERS to lame attempts at swaying the tin-foil hat crowd. On this date in 1969, the U.S. Air Force closed its Project "Blue Book" by concluding there was no evidence of extraterrestrial spaceships behind the thousands of UFO sightings they'd investigated. It might have been more credible if the spokesperson delivering the news hadn't been speaking out of both sides of his tentacles.
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Five years ago in C&J: December 17, 2008
JEERS to the Ponzi scheme felt 'round the world. Just what we need on top of the Giant Iraq War Swindle and the Giant Wall Street Bailout Swindle: an asshole running a massive money-sucking racket that could've been stopped much sooner had federal investigators been---oh, what's the word?---investigating. So you might say that Bernard "madoff" with a bunch of money. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! Trust me...that joke killed when I did it in front of the dog.
JEERS to striking out. Human shoe magnet George W. Bush spoke to graduates at Texas A&M University last Friday. He said that character and conscience were more important than popularity, adding, "And since I don't have any of those things, I had to confirm it on the Wikipedia. See, that's learnin', kids. It's a kind of learnin' I call 'Wiki learnin.' It's Wiki 'cause it's quickie. Quickie Wiki, see? HehHehHeh..." Five weeks to go, folks. Just five weeks.
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And just one more…
JEERS to Mr. Death's year-end visit. I don’t know what it is about December, but the grim reaper always seems to enjoy taking some of our icons away from us before the last grains of sand exit the top half of the hourglass. This month: Nelson Mandela. Joan Fontaine. Billy Jack (Tom Laughlin). Ray Price. And Peter O'Toole. Sad that they're gone, but they left their mark before they went, that's for sure. I do wish the Academy would've awarded a tie in 1962 for both Gregory Peck's Atticus Finch (who won) and O'Toole's T.E. Lawrence. Then again, Peck never made a Late Night entrance on camelback:
So there.
Have a nice Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
When Scherer asked point blank if "Bill in Portland Maine" was a real person, or a computer-operated robot voice, he replied enthusiastically that he was real, with a charming laugh. But then he failed several other tests. When asked “What vegetable is found in tomato soup?” he said he did not understand the question.
---Time
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