From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
I can never remember where the asterisks go with that word. Am I close?
Tonight's C&J is a 2013 flashback. Of course you think you don’t want to read it because year-enders are lazy and ubiquitous and do we really want to relive the past? And yet, out of the same curiosity that makes you slow down and rubberneck when you pass by a shopping cart accident, you'll click "Continue Reading" and find yourself sucked into a swirl of funny, tart and googly crap formatted in a way that will---[pauses to copy and paste from the Merck Hype Cliché Manual, 22nd Edition]---"Make your spirit soar, your senses tingle, and your hope for humanity climb the highest mountain for only three easy payments of $9.95."
The January Pootie Rebellion was resolved
peacefully with a single ball of yarn.
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If there was one thread that wound its way through January, February, March and April, it was this: for the good of the country, Republicans need to spend some serious "me time" on an ice floe far, far away. No matter how hard they didn't try to rebrand their sorry selves, they couldn’t stop their internal compasses from pointing in the direction of the 1890s. All hail the modern Gilded Age.
On the dark side of the ledger, a huge blizzard got its blizzard on, bombs went off in Boston, we lost Ebert, and sequester madness went mad. On the bright side, we got Obama sworn in for a second term, a happy hippie pope popped out of the Sistine Chapel smokestack while the mean old old pope still had a pulse, Ruth Bader Ginsburg coined the phrase "skim milk marriage," and Mississippi finally filed the paperwork to make its ratification of the 13th Amendment official. (Of course, that didn't stop Republicans from labeling everything from Obamacare to the new Twinkies as slavery.)
I promise: by the time you finish skimming the words and nudie pics below, you'll feel like you did when you started, except some time will have passed. It's like magic, some people say.
Your wormhole to the past opens up below the fold... [Swoosh!!] Right now! [Gong!!]
Note: Part 2 and 3 of our 2013 lookback will appear here Monday and Tuesday morning. That'll give you the weekend to carbo-load.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Puppy's first snow romp
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C&J 2013 Flashback: January
Chief Justice Roberts administers the oath of office to President Obama during the inaugural
swearing-in ceremony at the Capitol in Washington, D.C., Jan. 21, 2013. Michelle Obama
holds a Bible that belonged to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., and the Lincoln Bible, which
was used at President Obama’s 2009 inaugural ceremony.
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Fresh jobs numbers from the Labor department. The bad news: the rate at which people are unemployed is still stuck at 7.8 percent. The good news: one of the unemployed is still Mitt Romney.
President Obama gets back to work after spending vacation time in Hawaii. Or as Rush Limbaugh calls it, shoving his anti-mainland agenda down our throats.
U.S. Chamber of Commerce President Tom Donohue gives his annual policy address, starting with a moment of silence for all the innocent billionaire victims of the estate tax increase.
By the Numbers
Number of Friday the 13ths in 2013: 2 (Sept., Dec.)
Percentage of homicides by firearm in Japan, the U.K., Germany and the U.S., respectively: 2%, 6%, 26%, 67%
(Source: U.N. Office on Drugs and Crime via USA Today)
Number of the last 10 presidents who raised the debt ceiling as many times as Ronald Reagan, at 18: 0
(Source: USA Today)
Percent of Americans who believe abortion should be legal: 54%
Percent who oppose the overturning of Roe v. Wade: 70%
(Source: NBC News/WSJ poll)
Percent of Americans who favored a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants in the summer of 2010 and now, respectively: 50%, 62%
(Source: AP-GfK poll)
Rasmussen polling says that the tea party has lost two-thirds of its members since the height of their billionaire-funded hissy fit in 2010. Stocks in the tri-corn hat sector plunge to fresh lows.
The 113th "Do Nothingerest" Congress convenes. On the one hand, they'll ignore jobs, climate change, immigration, infrastructure improvements, gun violence and civil rights. On the other hand, they'll hack away at women's rights, voter rights, Obamacare and Sandy disaster relief. On the other other hand:
Joe Lieberman: Out. Chris Murphy: In!
Scott Brown: Out. Elizabeth Warren: In!
Allen West: Out. Patrick Murphy: In!
Olympia Snowe: Out. Angus "Mustache of Independence" King: In!
Joe Walsh: Out. Tammy Duckworth: In!
Ben Nelson: Out!
Alan Grayson, Mazei Horono, Tammy Baldwin and Martin Heinrich: In!
For those of you keeping score, we have 53 Dems and 2 Dem-caucusing independents in the Senate, and 200 Dems in the House. And they all report for their first day of the session with shiny new air horns.
President Barack Obama signs executive orders initiating 23 separate executive actions
after announcing new measures to help prevent gun violence, Jan. 16, 2013.
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Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner informs Congress that we have, at most, six weeks to raise the debt ceiling. Or as Congress calls it: five weeks, 6 days, 23 hours and 59 minutes to fart around.
The President and Vice President unveil a series of sensible and popular executive orders designed to reduce gun violence over time. The National Rifle Association responds by dredging for quick bottom-feeder cash with an ad exploiting Obama kids Sasha and Malia, which prompts the White House to respond by calling it repugnant and cowardly, which prompts the head of the National Repugnant Cowards Association to demand an apology from the White House for comparing the NRCA to the NRA.
Satan worshippers stage a rally in support of Florida Governor Rick Scott. My reaction: scary, creepy, weird! And I believe the same thing about the Satan worshippers, too.
Thoughts on the 2013 Inauguration
> Weather Forecast for D.C.: Sun and clouds with a 30 percent chance of an afternoon shower and a 100% chance of sore feet. High: 44. Low: the Republican party's approval rating.
> Myrlie Evers-Williams' invocation is, by my calculation, a thousand million times better than Rick Warren's was in 2009. Probably more, but my calculator exploded.
Clip of President Obama's second inaugural address: "We the people declare today that the most evident of truths, that all of us are created equal, is the star that guides us still; just as it guided our forebears through Seneca Falls and Selma and Stonewall."
Jon Stewart: I believe that's the first time a president has name-checked a gay bar at his inauguration since Rutherford B. Hayes reminisced about working at The Loaded Musket.
---The Daily Show
> George H.W. Bush doesn't attend because he's still recuperating from an illness. George W. Bush doesn't attend because he's still George W. Bush.
> Hey, how come Obamacare didn't get repealed on Day One??? Oh, right---that was the other guy's promise.
Senator John Kerry aces his Secretary of State confirmation. There's a big difference between being Secretary of State and a Senator. One involves working with unruly blowhards with weird accents and huge egos from strange places who are hellbent on getting the most booty for the least effort, and the other involves doing the same thing except you're Secretary of State.
Late Night Snark
"Folks, once Jack Lew becomes Secretary of the Treasury, this pubic hair masquerading as an autograph will appear on all our money, making our currency a laughingstock! Our money should have nothing ridiculous on it…just old men in wigs and pyramids with eyes."
---Stephen Colbert
"Chuck Hagel is the new Secretary of Defense nominee. They're saying that he may be reluctant to send troops into a war zone needlessly. What kind of a nutjob is this guy?"
---David Letterman
“President Obama’s inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady’s home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with Republicans.”
---Jimmy Fallon
James Carville and Mary Matalin get booted from CNN. Apparently, viewers switched channels whenever the pair started talking because they couldn't understand what he was saying and they could understand what she was saying.
Rep. Darrell Issa announces preliminary hearings on the impeachment of President Obama. The official charge: "Something…anything!"
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February
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President Barack Obama visits a pre-kindergarten classroom at the College Heights Early
Childhood Learning Center in Decatur, Ga., Feb. 14, 2013.
Punxsutawney Pothead comes out of his hole and predicts "whatever Phil said, man."
President Obama attends the Democratic Senate caucus retreat in Annapolis. First order of business: agreeing to rename future retreats something other than a retreat.
Harry Reid announces a handshake deal with Mitch McConnell to not do any more handshake deals, which McConnell promptly breaks by agreeing to a handshake deal with Harry Reid to continue doing handshake deals.
By the Numbers
Percent of Democratic voters who said they had to wait in line at least 30 minutes before they could vote in November: 18%
Percent of Republicans who said they had to wait that long: 9%
(Source: NYT/CBS News poll)
Percent of registered voters who believe that same-sex marriage is a Constitutional right: 75%
Percent who believe it will be legal nationwide in the next 5-10 years: 83%
(Source: Respect for Marriage survey)
Percent who believe the Republican and Democratic parties, respectively, are not open to change: 56%, 38%
(Source: Pew Research Center poll)
In Leicester England it's discovered that someone buried the bones of Richard III under a parking lot. "Hey, don’t look at me," said the dog.
On Valentine's Day, the NRA reminds America that the only way to stop a bad Cupid with an arrow is a good Cupid with a shotgun.
Due to the sequester, the two scoops of raisins in Kellogg's Raisin Bran have been reduced to three raisins, a peach pit and part of a hubcap.
The Great Blizzard of Aught Thirteen pounds its way into the history books over a weekend. (Portland Maine gets 32 inches.) The take-away message from this calamity is obvious: Republicans will do anything to stop Saturday mail delivery.
Third anniversary of "Let's Move!" First Lady Michelle Obama and celebrity chef Rachael
Ray hug students during a visit at Eastside and Northside Elementary Schools in Clinton,
Miss., Feb. 27, 2013, to highlight the new healthy school lunches now being served across
the nation. Mrs. Obama and Ray highlighted Mississippi because the state’s childhood
obesity rates have declined by 13% among elementary school students in recent years.
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A Pope abdicates for the first time in 600 years. Reason Benedict XVI's departure: he's old and crotchety and shit. When they hold the election to pick a new pope, the black cardinals will be forced to wait in line for eight hours. The white cardinals: ten minutes.
A mid-winter climate-change rally in Washington D.C. draws an astonishing 40,000+ people, putting pressure on President Obama to say no to the Keystone tar-sands pipeline and ramp up our clean energy program until an asteroid destroys us all.
148 years after the fact, Mississippi finally files paperwork to make its ratification of the 13th Amendment official. Number of people who buy the limited-edition specialty license plates reading "Mississippi---the Last to Ratify the Amendment Outlawing Slavery State": Zero.
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March
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President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama host a Passover Seder Dinner
in the Old Family Dining Room of the White House, March 25, 2013.
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House Republicans cancel a vote on a resolution condemning themselves for cutting their pay and benefits as part of the sequester after realizing that they didn’t cut their pay and benefits as part of the sequester.
Former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor appears on The Daily Show to explain how handing the presidency to George W. Bush in 2000 turned out to be a super-awesome thing for the country. So it's basically six minutes of silence.
Republican governors and Republican-led state legislatures across America call for laws making life more difficult for women, blacks, Hispanics, gays, sick people, the unemployed, teachers, first responders, minority voters and city governments. After lunch they hold a rally condemning the federal government for being too intrusive.
By the Numbers
Percent of female CEOs at Fortune 500 companies in, respectively, 2003 and 2013: 1.4%, 4.2%
(Source: Time)
Minimum amount of time that taxpayers will be paying costs associated with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan: 100 years
Number of people still receiving veterans benefits tied to the Spanish-American War: 10
(Source: AP analysis)
Age of the universe based on new calculations: 13.8 billion years
(Source: Kavli Institute of Cosmology at the University of Cambridge)
Percent of Americans who believe preserving Medicare and Social Security is more important than reducing the deficit: 55%
(Source: Pew poll)
Minimum number of people who will gather on the south lawn for the 135th White House Easter Egg Roll: 35,000
President Obama announces more energy-related nominees to his second-term cabinet: Gina McCarthy as EPA administrator, Ernest Moniz from MIT as Energy secretary and Sally Jewell As Interior Secretary. Senate Republicans said they'd move as quickly as possible to block the nominations, but could make no guarantees since their blocking calendar was chock-full of pending blocks. A Democratic move to unblock the blocks is blocked, but then Republicans experience a premature block which sets off a chain-reaction of blocks after which they find themselves blocked by their own blocks and it's a big mess. Also too Benghazi.
Despite some mechanical glitches, the SpaceX Dragon cargo shuttle docks safely with the International Space Station. The bad news: the only thing inside was a box of ladies' hats. The good news: if they can scounge up some mint juleps they're all set for the Kentucky Derby.
Venezuela leader Hugo Chavez dies at 58. He was a button-pusher, once saying at the U.N. about George W. Bush: "The devil came here yesterday. And it smells of sulfur still today." The future of the country in his wake remains a bunch of upside-down question marks.
President Barack Obama views the area near the Treasury during a walking tour
of the ancient city of Petra in Jordan, March 23, 2013.
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Due to the sequester, two of the four out of five dentists surveyed who recommend sugarless gum to their patients who chew gum are fired. They each receive two weeks of severance Trident.
Nelson Mandela is released from the hospital. Doctors say it was nothing more than a mild case of being 94.
President Obama attends the Gridiron Dinner
"I can offer you an easy way of remembering the new team. If Ted Cruz calls somebody a communist, then you know they're in my cabinet."
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"I'm sure that you've noticed that there's somebody very special in my life who is missing tonight---somebody who's always got my back, stands with me no matter what and gives me hope no matter how dark things seem. So tonight I want to publicly thank my rock, my foundation---thank you, Nate Silver.
St. Patrick's Day remains second to Cinco de Mayo among the drunkest holidays of the year, and third to National Bring Your Child To Work Day.
Joe Biden and families of the Newtown victims urge Congress to find the courage to pass stronger anti-gun-massacre laws. Congress leaps into action, forming committees, drafting briefs and preparing to vote on measures that will authorize them to look up the word courage in a dictionary. Republicans filibuster when Harry Reid demands they use the Merriam-Webster version instead of the Big Dikshunary of Wurds authorized by the Texas School Board. Then they go on vacation for two weeks.
Pope Francis begins his reign. In keeping with his reputation as an informal Catholic, he sleeps in 'til noon, pulls on a pair of sweatpants and a "Party Like It's 1499" t-shirt, takes a few hits on an incense bong, downs a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, rides his skateboard to the office, gives everybody high fives and invites busloads of poor people in for a fish fry and games of beanie frisbee.
Late Night Snark
"Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio of Argentina has been named the new Pope. After the new Pope was chosen, he was brought to a place in the Vatican called "The Room of Tears." Or as I call that: the gym."
---Jimmy Fallon
"He's a troll. He's saying [the Voting Rights Act is a 'perpetuation of racial entitlement'] for effect. He knows it's offensive, and he knows it's going to get a gasp from the courtroom and he loves it. He's like the guy on your blog comment thread who's using the N-word. He's that kind of guy."
---Rachel Maddow describing Justice Antonin Scalia on The Daily Show
"Sarah Palin is getting ready for the big CPAC thing by writing words on her hand like OBAMA BAD. NO LIKE. And Rick Perry is getting ready by writing RICK PERRY."
---Bill Maher
President Obama travels to Israel and drives Republicans here crazy by being popular, serious and photogenic. He tours the Israel Museum to see the Dead Sea Scrolls. To give you an idea of how ancient they are, archaeologists say they pre-date the current Republican party platform by a week.
A day after tackling arguments in the Prop. 8 case, the Supreme Court tackles arguments in the "Defense of Marriage Act" case. Eighty-year-old justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg provides the money quote:
"It's as Justice Kennedy said, 1,100 statutes, and it affects every area of life. And so he was really diminishing what the state has said is marriage. You're saying, no, [the] state said two kinds of marriage: the full marriage, and then this sort of skim-milk marriage." (Laughter.)
Says Stephen Colbert later that evening: "Yes---skim milk marriage. I have always suspected that skim milk was gay. I mean, for god's sake, it's got "
homogenized" right on the carton. And please: don’t call me a bigot just because I'm lactose intolerant."
President Obama establishes five new national monuments: the Charles Young Buffalo Soldiers National Monument in Ohio...the Harriet Tubman Underground Railroad National Monument in Maryland...the First State National Monument in Delaware…San Juan Islands National Monument in Washington…and Río Grande del Norte National Monument in New Mexico. Says Obama: “These sites honor the pioneering heroes, spectacular landscapes and rich history that have shaped our extraordinary country." Says Republicans: "Drill there, drill now!!!"
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April
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First Lady Michelle Obama plants seeds with students during the spring White House
Kitchen Garden event on the South Lawn of the White House, April 4, 2013.
As part of his policy of making the Catholic church less stuffy, Pope Francis issues edict allowing the faithful to wear beer hats during mass.
Exxon-Mobil assures everyone that they are dealing with its Arkansas tar-sands pipeline rupture using the most scientifically-advanced paper-towel technology. They would also like you to forget that it ever happened.
The NRA, unveils its plan for making schools safer from gun violence: put armed guards and armed teachers in every school in America. As usual, Wayne LaPierre doesn't bother to issue a paper or online version of the report. He just machine-guns the text onto the side of a barn.
By the Numbers:
Percent of the Daily Kos community that gives President Obama an overall grade of "A," "B," and "F," respectively, for his first term: 36%, 48%, 1%
(Source: 10,205 Kossacks)
Percent of U.S. adults who think marijuana should be legalized, up from 41% in 2010: 52%
(Source Pew Research poll)
Senator Mitch McConnell's approval rating among Kentucky voters according to the latest PPP poll: 36%
Number of the top 20 officials in the Republican National Committee who are not white: 0
(Source: NBC News)
Percent chance that, as far as Red Sox slugger David "Big Papi" Ortiz is concerned, Boston is "our fucking city": 100%
(Source: David Ortiz)
Percent of registered voters who favor and oppose, respectively, expanded background checks on gun purchasers: 82%, 17%
(Source: Fox News Poll)
Roger Ebert dies at 70. His last blog post, in which he announces his cancer has come back, also indicates he had ambitious plans for his future. His opening paragraph, however, becomes his final farewell:
Thank you. Forty-six years ago on April 3, 1967, I became the film critic for the Chicago Sun-Times. Some of you have read my reviews and columns and even written to me since that time. Others were introduced to my film criticism through the television show, my books, the website, the film festival, or the Ebert Club and newsletter. However you came to know me, I'm glad you did and thank you for being the best readers any film critic could ask for.
The "Rule of Threes" strikes again as Ebert departs with Annette Funicello and Margaret Thatcher.
The sequester becomes a victim of the sequester and gets sequestered, but due to the sequester the sequester's sequester is also sequestered.
Dr. Jill Biden signs a pair of her running shoes during a flight to Boston, Mass.,
April 24, 2013. The Bidens attended a memorial service for MIT Officer Sean
Collier. Dr. Biden also visited Copley Square in Boston, where she placed her
running shoes and a bouquet of flowers at a memorial honoring victims.
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People are all excited about the new season of "Game of Thrones" on HBO. Others remain more partial to "Game of Throw Rugs" on Bravo.
Former President Jimmy Carter appears on The Daily Show. He is given 8 minutes of airtime to build a house. After completing it, he uses his remaining 3 minutes to build a tool shed.
The new moon darkens the night sky. Republicans immediately blame Solyndra.
Senator Ted Cruz suffers a brief moment of lucidity. It quickly passes.
Late Night Snark
"What did you have for dinner tonight? The president had a green salad, steak, sautéed vegetables and twelve Republicans."
---Lawrence O'Donnell
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"Whoever did this obviously did not know shit about the people of Boston. Because nothing these terrorists do is going to shake them. For Pete's sake, Boston was founded by the pilgrims, a people so tough they had to buckle their goddamn hats on! It is the cradle of the American Revolution; a city that withstood an 86-year losing streak; a city that made it through the Big Dig, a construction project that backed up traffic for sixteen years---I mean, there are commuters just getting home now!"
---Stephen Colbert
Clip of Matt Lauer on the Today show: Inside the [George W. Bush Library and Museum is] a treasure trove of over 43,000 artifacts from the Bush presidency.
Jon Stewart: So it's basically the Hard Rock Café of catastrophic policy decisions.
---The Daily Show
A NASA telescope spots a trio of planets that are in the so-called "habitable zone." They're pristine, their climate is just right, and the lands and seas haven't been ravaged by the fossil fuel industry and unfettered industrialization. Say the Koch brothers: "That's okay---we can fix that."
By a vote of 331-225, France's national Assembly votes to grant marriage rights to same-sex couples---the 14th country to make it official. And thanks to votes in the Rhode Island legislature, gay marriage is legal in every state in New England. Not that we're bragging. Well…maybe a little.
Where things stand in the world
Boston: quickly getting back to normal.
West, Texas: post-fertilizer-plant explosion, slowly getting back to normal.
Immigration reform: slowly getting somewhere.
Gun reform: quickly getting nowhere.
Jobs: stuck in idle.
CNN: stuck in reverse.
Sun: rising.
Gold: falling.
All of our living presidents gather in Texas to smile, shake hands and be bored inside a Ministry of Propaganda building devoted to whitewashing the legacy of one of the worst presidents in our nation's history. (Hint: rhymes with Beorge W. Gush.) Among the items you won't find on display is a newspaper with a giant above-the-fold headline:
BUSH NABS BIN LADEN.
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And finally---your #1 picks in our Friday "Who won the week?" polls:
Jan. 4 Chris Christie, Chuck Schumer and other northeast Republicans and Democrats, for unloading on John Boehner after he blew off the Superstorm Sandy relief vote
Jan. 11 Gabby Giffords and Mark Kelly, for taking a leading role in the effort to curb gun violence; and Joe Biden, whose anti-gun-violence task force is running ahead of schedule
Jan. 18 President Obama: announces (with Biden) new gun control measures and rides into second term with decent approval ratings and ambitious agenda
Jan. 25 Hillary Clinton, for standing up to the GOP bullies on the House Foreign Affairs and Senate Foreign Relations Committees that grilled her on Benghazi
Feb. 1 The D.C. marchers, Gabby Giffords, Mark Kelly, law enforcement officials and Newtown residents who spoke out for stronger gun-safety laws
Feb. 8 NBC News's Michael Isikoff, whose reporting opened a nationwide discussion of the government's drone-strike program
Feb. 15 President Obama: memorable State of the Union address followed by multi-state barnstorming
Feb. 22 'Mother Jones' reporter David Corn, who won a Polk Award for breaking the story (with assist from James Carter) about Mitt Romney's 47% speech
March 1 Elizabeth Warren, for making Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke squirm in front of the Senate Banking Committee over the banks' 'Too big to fail' status
March 8 Rep. John Lewis and others who commemorated the 1965 Selma to Montgomery marches…and Montgomery police chief Kevin Murphy, who officially apologized for the police brutality committed on the Freedom Riders
March 15 Scott Prouty, the bartender who shot the 47 percent video and came forward to tell his story Wednesday night on The Ed Show
March 22 President Obama: rock star treatment during Middle East trip, nominates Thomas Perez for Labor Secretary, drives right-wingers CRAZY by taking 30 seconds to reveal his NCAA bracket
March 29 Justices Elena Kagan, Sonia Sotomayor and Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who owned the proceedings during the Supreme Court hearings on Prop. 8 and DOMA
April 5 The Connecticut House and Senate, for passing a tough new responsible-gun-ownership bill, and Governor Malloy for signing it
April 12 Senator Elizabeth Warren, who verbally took apart federal regulators in a Banking Committee hearing for shielding big banks over their illegal foreclosure activities
April 19 None, due to Boston bombings
April 26 University of Massachusetts-Amherst student Thomas Herndon, who found the rookie mistakes in the oft-cited austerity-pushing Reinhart/Rogoff economic study
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