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Brothers, neighbors, countrymen, I come before you with a TRUE and REAL plan to FIX OUR COUNTRY. This plan is DESIGNED to fight the OBAMATISTS who THREATEN our WAY OF LIFE and bring SOCIALISM to our DOORSTEP. With this ONE SIMPLE PLAN we can FIX OUR ECONOMY and bring the SWEET SOUND OF FREEDOM back to this GREAT COUNTRY. AND ALSO BENGHAZI.

Please READ WITH ME while I lay out this NEW CONSERVATIVE VISION for OUR FUTURE. I am posting it HERE, on the GREAT ORANGE SATAN OF LIBERAL ATHIEST SOCIALISMISM, because I'm pretty sure it will REALLY PISS THEM OFF.

AND ALSO BENGHAZI!

BELOW you will find my SIMPLE, STRAIGHTFORWARD, EIGHT POINT PLAN to FIX AMERICA:

1. CAPITALIZE MORE. Friends, it's a well-known, but under-reported FACT that CAPITAL LETTERS ARE MORE EXPENSIVE. If you CAPITALIZE more often it INCREASES DEMAND, which causes ENTREPRENEURS to INCREASE PRODUCTION to INCREASE SUPPLY. These CAPITALIZED FONTS have been known to TRICKLE DOWN into other parts of GRAMMAR, ESPECIALLY IN THE USE OF EXCAMATION POINTS!!!!

THEY DON'T CALL IT CAPITALISM FOR NOTHING!

AND ALSO BENGHAZI!

2. GIVE MORE MONEY TO RICH PEOPLE. Honestly, this one is SO OBVIOUS that I don't know WHY IT HAS NEVER BEEN TRIED BEFORE IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. When rich people have money they BUY EXPENSIVE THINGS. Buying expensive things makes people want to MAKE EXPENSIVE THINGS, because EXPENSIVE THINGS are EXPENSIVE so PROFIT. Also rich people hire POOR PEOPLE and occasionally PAY THEM MONEY OCCASIONALLY, which we can TAX.

Tax the POOR, obviously. Let's not get excited.

AND ALSO BENGHAZI!

3. BUILD MORE JAILS. This is one of the MOST IMPORTANT PARTS OF MY PLAN. JAILS mean JOBS for PEOPLE WHO RUN JAILS. Guards, administrators, wardens, salesmen, lobbyists--there's an ENTIRE ECONOMIC INFRASTRUCTURE AROUND JAILS and it generates MONEY. Also, people who don't have a job can be PUT IN JAIL which allows them to CONTRIBUTE TO OUR ECONOMY by GIVING JAILS SOMETHING TO DO. I mean, it's so simple it's genius. We might actually reach a JAIL NIRVANA where everyone is either IN JAIL or WORKING FOR A JAIL.

AND ALSO BENGHAZI!

4. MORE WARS. Not BIG wars, but lots of SMALL ONES. The MILITARY INDUSTRIAL CONGRESS is VERY POWERFUL and MAKES A LOT OF MONEY. People who MAKE LOTS OF MONEY are FUNDAMENTALLY GOOD. We can employ a LOT OF PEOPLE by making BOMBS AND GUNS AND SHIPS AND PLANES but if we don't use those BOMBS AND GUNS AND SHIPS AND PLANES at some point then we'll never need to build MORE. Also, in the event we can't build JAILS fast enough we can turn the unemployed into SOLDIERS and SEND THEM OFF TO DO THE WAR THING.

AND ALSO BENGHAZI!

5. DEMONIZE LIBERALS. Friends, you HAVE NO IDEA exactly how PROFITABLE it is to DEMONIZE LIBERALS. There's no other way to put it: MAKING THE LEFT LOOK SINISTER CREATES JOBS. Also, it makes it harder for DEMOCRATS to GET THINGS DONE, which is GOOD FOR OUR COUNTRY.

AND ALSO BENGHAZI!

6. DISMANTLE HEALTH CARE. HEALTH CARE is UNAMERICAN. It's a simple fact that EXPENSIVE THINGS ARE GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY, and unregulated health care is SO FREAKING EXPENSIVE it will RESTORE OUR ECONOMY OVERNIGHT. Nobody works harder than the TERMINALLY ILL, especially when they have a FAMILY TO SUPPORT, especially when that family CANNOT SURVIVE WITHOUT THEM.

AND ALSO BENGHAZI!

7. RETURN TO THE GOLD STANDARD. Friends, the simple truth of the matter is that GOLD IS YELLOW and as we know YELLOW IS THE MOST EXPENSIVE COLOR IN THE WORLD and EXPENSIVE THINGS ARE BETTER THAN CHEAP THINGS. If we return to the GOLD STANDARD then FORT KNOX WILL BE AWESOME AGAIN and I think we're all behind that.

AND ALSO BENGHAZI!

8. AND ALSO BENGHAZI!

Friends, BENGHAZI BENGHAZI WHAT DID THEY KNOW AND WHEN DID THEY KNOW IT AND DID THEY HAVE AN OBAMAPHONE WHEN IT HAPPENED?

AND ALSO BENGHAZI!!!!!

So there you have it. In EIGHT SIMPLE STEPS we can MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! I hope I HAVE YOUR SUPPORT in the coming months as I UNVEIL THIS PLAN TO THE WORLD!

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