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"Time for some late night snark problems." "Got it."

"This week in his inaugural address, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spoke of wanting to bring the people of New Jersey together. He wanted to bring them together by having them all try to merge into one lane."
---Jay Leno

Jim DeMint's new book cover 2014
Ladies: when Jim DeMint's new
romance novel comes out, please
try to control your libidos.
"If you're planning to drive across the river and cross the George Washington Bridge to attend the Super Bowl, you'd better leave now."
---David Letterman

"On Friday, Russian President Vladimir Putin said gay people at the Olympics should not fear for their safety despite the country's anti-gay laws. He said they should fear for their safety because they're in Russia."
---Jimmy Fallon

"Well, there's a 2014 Olympic tourism motto: Russia---Where the Police Don't Always Help the People Beating You."
---Jon Stewart

"Yes, bring back firing squads. With so much gun violence in America, shouldn't we shoot at least one person who deserves it? … And don't worry that it's cruel and unusual punishment. Because if we're cruel often enough, it won't seem unusual."
---Stephen Colbert

And one year ago:
“President Obama’s inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady’s home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with Republicans.”
---Jimmy Fallon
This has been a weird week. People keep handing me subpoenas in my sleep. For the record, I know nothing! (Well, except that one thing. Thank god the subpoenas aren't about that.)

Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 24, 2014

Note: If you throw popcorn at us, we promise we won't shoot you. We will, however, sue you for every dime you have and then go after your nickels and pennies.  Your soul won’t make out very well, either, buster.  Still feel like throwing popcorn at us?  ---Sisters of Questionable Mercy


Low Country Oyster Festival logo  South Carolina
2 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Obama's State of the Union speech: 4
Days 'til the Low Country Oyster Festival in Mount Pleasant, South Carolina: 2
Date by which Treasury Secretary Jack Lew says Congress should raise the debt ceiling: 2/7/14
Drop in jobless claims over the last month: 3,750
(Source: Labor Dept.)
Approx. amount that Virginia ex-governor Bob McDonnell's thousands of supporters have contributed to his legal defense fund since July: $2,000
(Source: The Washington Post)
Number of background checks on intelligence workers that private contractor USIS is accused of faking in order to bilk taxpayers out of tens of millions of dollars: 665,000
(Source: NBC News)
Percent chance that wives are to supposed to play second-fiddle to their husbands: 100%
(Source: Republican Congressman Steve Pearce)


NEW! Michele Bachmann Departure Countdown

Congressional Tea Party Caucus founder and crazy congresswoman Michele Bachmann and her googly eyes leave Congress in 344 days.


Puppy Pic of the Day:  Back from Afghanistan.


CHEERS to confirming the obvious.  An independent commission studying voter stuff has concluded that widespread voter fraud in America exists only in the fevered Republican imagination:

Nelson Mandela casting his first vote, 1994.
FRAUD! Nelson Mandela
voting for Barack Obama!
Voter fraud is "rare" and mostly occurs by absentee ballot, concluded a report Wednesday by the Presidential Commission on Election Administration. … It is backed by other studies showing that fraud occurs but is extremely uncommon. A Justice Department study found that between 2002 and 2005, just 40 voters (out of 197 million votes cast for federal candidates) were indicted for voter fraud, and just 26 resulted in convictions or guilty pleas.

"That's my conclusion too," wrote election scholar Rick Hasen, commenting on the commission's finding about the rarity of fraud, "but it is not the typical line of hard line Republicans like [Kansas Secretary of State] Kris Kobach."

Republicans responded by insisting that this is exactly the kind of voter fraud study that proves voter fraud studies are rife with voter fraud study fraud.  Next week they'll introduce a bill that requires anyone wishing to study voter fraud to have a proper Republican photo ID.  And a durable voter fraud study shredder.

CHEERS to local government well governed.  A couple years ago, folks here in Portland decided that, after a century of having a ceremonial mayor appointed to a one-year term by the City Council, we wanted to go back to having an elected mayor who would actually have some time and power to enact an agenda.  We put Democrat Michael Brennan in office, and this week he delivered his latest state of the city address:

Portland Mayor Michael Brennan (D)
Brennan with
role model.
Brennan laid out some of the initiatives he plans to move forward with in 2014 to make Portland a better place, giving an outline during his second state of the city address on Wednesday.

The mayor said he plans to create groups to look at income disparity, substance use and abuse, grow the economy and institute a city-wide minimum wage and enact a moratorium on new charter schools.

Meanwhile, our Teapublican governor Paul LePage will give his state of the state address February 4th.  His agenda is expected to include more money for the rich, less money for the poor, a charter school on every block, and a new infrastructure project that mostly involves building a wall around Portland.

CHEERS to meeting the press. Fifty-three years ago tomorrow, in 1961, President Kennedy gave the first press conference that was broadcast live on TV. Not having done it before, the early moments were a bit awkward:

"I want to assure you that I will, with great vigah, endeavuh to ahnsuh your questions thoroughly and completely.  Just not in the bahthroom while I am taking my, uh, showuh.  But since you're heauh, pahss me the Irish Shpring…"
Things went better when they moved it to the press room.

Krueger Beer...the first beer to be sold in cans.
Not exactly Duff, but not bad.
CHEERS to the suds of our lives. On January 24, 1935, canned beer made its debut in Richmond, Virginia:
In partnership with the American Can Company, the Gottfried Krueger Brewing Company delivered 2,000 cans of Krueger's Finest Beer and Krueger's Cream Ale to faithful Krueger drinkers in Richmond, Virginia. Ninety-one percent of the drinkers approved of the canned beer, driving Krueger to give the green light to further production.
Which reminds me: I just finished reading Atlas Chugged, and I've taken its message to heart.  Tonight I'll ditch the rum and Coke and "go malt."

Singer Justin Bieber watches players during the first half of Game 7 in their NBA basketball Eastern Conference finals playoff series between the Miami Heat and the Indiana Pacers, Monday, June 3, 2013 in Miami. (AP Photo/Lynne Sladky)
A spoiled brat
and lawbreaker.
CHEERS to busting that noisemaking little snot.  Did you hear that the boy wonder, who rose to stardom on a sea of screaming fans and sold-out live appearances, just got busted?  Like so many other "living idols," he thought he was invincible, and that there would be no penalty for his increasingly bizarre and outrageous behavior.  And when he finally had his inevitable run-in with the law, the skinny poster child for wretched excess batted his eyelashes and reacted with an arrogant, "What the [expletive] did I do wrong?"  Of course, his rabid, Kool-Aid-drinking fan base, not caring a whit about his multiple lovers and narcissistic jerkitude, rushed to the pipsqueak's defense on social media, crying, "Leave him aloooone!  He's my everything!!!"  I'm referring, of course, to Dinesh D'Souza, who just got indicted by a federal grand jury for campaign-contribution fraud.  We hear Michelle Malkin is inconsolable.

CHEERS to good eatin’.  On this date in 1922, Christian Nelson of Iowa patented Eskimo Pie.  But not before first cracking open a nice chianti and some fava beans.  [Thupthupthup!!!]

Young Howard Dean shirtless
Howard Dean recreates this famous
pose tonight on HBO's "Real Time."
CHEERS to home vegetation.  Here are some of the haps on the teevee this weekend.  Bill Maher kicks things off tonight on HBO's Real Time, with Howard Dean, Willie Nelson, Carly "Demon Sheep" Fiorina, Josh Barro and Erin Brockovich.  New DVD releases include Oscar nominees Blue Jasmine and Captain Phillips, but I intend to revel in the greatness of Danny Trejo inj Machete Kills.  The always awesome Jonah Hill hosts SNL.  The NBA schedule is here and the NHL schedule is here.  (No more NFL games until the Frostbite Bowl next weekend.)  On Bill Moyers & Company, part three of Bill's interview with astrophysicist and Cosmos reboot host Neil deGrasse Tyson.  Sunday night Downton Abbey will compete for eyeballs with the Grammys.  And here's your Sunday morning lineup, which will spend
90 percent of its time talking about Justin Bieber arrest in his Boogerghini:
Meet the Press: The Senate's most diligent plagiarist, Rand Paul (R-KY); Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL); Congressman Keith Ellison (D-MN); former DHS head and current ghoul-for-hire at children's birthday and Halloween parties Michael Chertoff; roundtable with Rep. Loretta Sanchez (D-CA), former FCC Chairman Michael Powell, Chuck Todd, Mike Murphy and Carolyn Ryan (NYT).

John McCain is not booked on any
Sunday shows, so poor Cindy will have
to take him shopping with her.
This Week: White House press secretary Jay Carney previews President Obama’s State of the Union address (I hope he remembers to yell "Spoiler alert!"); Rep. Peter King (R-NY) on how everyone going to Sochi is going to die; Director Greg Whiteley on his Mitt Romney documentary Yacht of Fools; roundtable with Van Jones, Rick Santorum, Cokie Roberts, Matt Bai, and filling ABC's mandatory Fox News chair…Greta Van Susteren.

Face the Nation: Ted Cruz, the do-nothingest figure in Congress, has been booked to discuss "what he thinks Congress can accomplish in 2014" (Shall we all facepalm together?); Sen. Chuckles the Schumer (D-NY); Rep. Michael McCall (R-TX); Billy Jean King and Brian Boitano show off the Kevlar long johns they'll be wearing in Sochi; a supremely awful roundtable with Bill Kristol, Bob Woodward, Bill Daley and Peggy Noonan.

CNN's State of the Union: Rand Paul's interview is cut short when his libido spirals out of control; Russian Ambassador to the U.S. Sergey Kislyak assures Candy Crowley that all gays who come to Sochi will be treated equally by having the same chance of getting blown up or shot by terrorists as straight people who come to Sochi.

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: White House senior adviser Dan Pfeiffer; Mitch McTurtle…er, McConnell (R-KY); roundtable with Brit Hume, George Will (as usual, nestled in Roger Ailes's papoose), Julie Pace and Evan Bayh (whose dad, former Senator Birch Bayh, turned 86 this week). Chris Wallace's Power Player of the Week: Dynamo.

Happy viewing!


Five years ago in C&J: January 24, 2009

JEERS to an inauspicious end.  What a cluster-you-know-what.  Caroline Kennedy is out of the running to be Hillary's interim replacement as Senator from New York (congrats to Kirsten Gillibrand for getting Governor Paterson's nod), but questions linger about what exactly happened that caused her lose out so, um...weirdly.  Fortunately, C&J stashed a hidden microphone in the room where Paterson made the decision:

"One potatuh, two potatuh, three potatuh four.  Five potatuh six potatuh, seven potatuh more.  My momma told me to pick the very best one and you... are... not... it!"
Politics.  It's a tough racket.  [1/24/14 Update: Kennedy is now Ambassador to Japan, and Gillibrand has become a progressive firebrand.  I love happy endings.]


And just one more…

CHEERS to my 15 minutes of fame on the tweet machine.  Yesterday Mike Huckabee claimed that Democrats have brainwashed women into believing that “they are helpless without Uncle Sugar coming in and providing them a prescription each month for birth control because they cannot control their libido…without the help of government.”  For shits and giggles I created a silly little hashtag on Twitter, #LibidoMovieLines, and thought up a few.  ("I'm as mad as hell and my libido's not gonna take this anymore!" "We're gonna need a bigger libido," "Carpe diem. Seize the day. Make your libidos extraordinary.")  And then, out of the blue, my hashtag exploded on a rocketship twitter ride to the near-the-top.  For a while there it was even more popular than #DeportBieber:

Now, before you accuse me of shameless bragging, let me say this: Roget's thesaurus says you can also accuse me of boasting, crowing, gloating, grandstanding, hotdogging, showboating and swaggering.  Oh, and also tooting my own horn.  Which, coincidentally, goes "Tweet!"

Have a great weekend.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?



Who won the week?

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