Thursday is my Dad's birthday. He would have been 95. Instead he died at 80 of a sudden heart attack. He was planting a bush and keeled over and was dead before he hit the ground. I was the only girl among four boys. Dad loved sports and I was a tomboy and loved throwing footballs with him. I think of him every day. The last few years has felt like death after death.
A special welcome to anyone who is new to The Grieving Room. We meet every Monday evening. Whether your loss is recent or many years ago, whether you have lost a person or a pet, or even if the person you are "mourning" is still alive ("pre-grief" can be a very lonely and confusing time) you can come to this diary and process your grieving in whatever way works for you. Share whatever you need to share. We can't solve each other's problems, but we can be a sounding board and a place of connection.
I was caregiver for my Mom for six years. She passed away in her sleep in 2010. She died around 3:00AM. Her cat Pixie stayed with the body until my brother Mike came home 12 hours later to discover the body. Mike was supposed to have joined us here in North Carolina. Instead the demons from Vietnam finally caught up with him and killed him. In April I lost the only good thing to come out of an abusive marriage, my cat Merlin.
When I was caregiver for my Mom one of the things that helped me through was music. I had just discovered the music of Josh Groban and listened to him frequently. He has such a beautiful voice and I found listening to him calming. After losing Mom in 2010 I turned more and more to music to help me through the sorrow. One song in particular helped me. It was on Josh Groban’s debut album and was written by Richard Marx and Linda Thompson. The song is called To Where You Are.
Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear
I frequently dream of Mom and Dad who we lost in 1999. In my dreams they are alive and young and well. Lately I dream of my brother Mike who we lost in 2012. In the dreams I am the only one who knows he is going to die.
Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above
When Dad died Mom said that her faith got her through. While I believe in a higher spirit I was no longer comfortable in her Catholic Church although I did go to Church with her since she didn’t like to go alone. An incident shortly after Dad died convinced me that he was still looking after me. I was stopped in a turn lane waiting for the turn arrow. There was a car in front of me and freeway traffic to the side. I suddenly saw a car in my rear view mirror swerve into the turn lane at a very high speed. There was no way I could get out of his way. He suddenly saw me in front of him and turned sharply and went onto the median. I could see him next to me shaking as I was shaking too. I knew that my Dad had a hand in preventing the accident.
Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are
I miss my Dad’s wonderful smile. I have a lot of pictures of him around my place but I miss seeing the smile live. There is so much that I want to tell him. He loved my artwork and would have been thrilled at the way I have grown as a graphic artist. The last picture he saw was Gathering Moonlight and he loved it. He loved my cooking. I would cook for them when we visited. One day we were in the grocery store and he introduce me to his friends. He said, "This is my daughter Michele. She is the finest cook I have ever known." Dad had a chance to eat in some of the best restaurants in the country so that was high praise indeed. My cookbook is going to be dedicated to him.
Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen
I cherish the dreams with Mom and Dad. I wish the dreams of Mike were not so upsetting. I dream of Merlin frequently. He was a cat of pure love. He was also the world's biggest mama's boy. One evening I was downstairs talking to my Mom and Merlin wanted me to be upstairs with him. He got on his back legs and put his front paws on my rear end and pushed trying to get me to move upstairs. It cracked my Mom up.
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me from up above
I learned so much from my Mom and Dad. As I was live blogging during Curiosity’s landing on Mars I was thinking of my Dad. He was the one who turned me onto the wonders of outer space. He and I watched anything to do with space. It was a bond between us. I'll never forget the two of us watching the first moon landing. Dad was a dreamer and so am I. I am definitely his daughter.
And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave
Dad was a physicist and mathematician. He was also very religious and used to joke with me that by now my guardian angel had probably had multiple nervous breakdowns trying to keep me safe.
Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
The day after Mom died I went for a walk and suddenly decided I had to point the camera at the sky. When I came home I knew why when I saw the picture. I can’t prove Mom and Dad are watching over me but my heart tells me it is so. I know they loved me and I loved them. I know that our love will never die and that is the most important thing.
Mom and Dad as I see them in my dreams.
Mike with his grandson, Tristen.
Merlin
Gathering Moonlight
Sun through the clouds.