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HOUSE RULES

KISS Principle; If you can't be kind or helpful, STFU. I've tried the more polite phrasing of "If you can't be kind, begone" but a handful of people don't seem to understand the gentler phrasing.

I am falling apart because I never get better news. It's always something bad. I am spending half my time crying, and the other half  an emotional wreck. Dysfunctional family is not much help. Apparently my crying upsets them and the staff.  

So, unless you have a sadistic streak that takes some kind of pleasure in making someone who's already going through hell (for the second time; I lost my first husband to an undiagnosed heart problem), spare me you arrogant lectures on how I should be feeling and how much better you would handle--because you won't know how you'd handle till you're in the situation. And when you are getting half-truths from staff who seem to take it as a personal affront that you are asking them the same question two or three times, because they gave an answer that was geared to a ten year old and have made some doozies of mistakes so far--you would be angry too. I've been verring from a desire to scream at the staff and sobbing out of sheer terror all day.

And if you feel this isn't political enough for you, feel free not to read---and definitely do not post because I am well past being nice and you won't like what I say to you.

SIMPLE: If you can't be kind, begone. If you feel that you are so much better than I, don't sprain you shoulder patting yourself on the back--and sure as hell don't share your ignorant opinion with me, because I don't need any more stress or bullshit right now.

I woke up at 8 am. I think I got at most 5 hours sleep.  I kept waking up, which likely means the night terrors are in full force. I don't remember the dreams (I never do when it's night terrors), but I woke up every couple of hours.

SInce I was up that early, I called Faye and told her I needed to get to the hospital today. I didn't tell her I had a really, really bad feeling about it.  When we got there, Ben was upbeat (they put him on Zoloft and I want him off as soon as possible because the side effects are dreadful) because he thought he'd be going home today.

Our hopes were dashed.  Very badly dashed and I am frankly thinking LAWSUIT because some of the stuff I am finally hearing indicates a level of incompetence that to me is just unbelievable.  He is still on oxygen.  His oxygen saturation isn't good enough to go home. Her boss and the cardiologist were fine discharging him, but the O2 levels when he walks go way down. So she decided he might have a blood clot in his luings, which apparently the oh-so-brilliant top 5 cardio hospitals  in the country completely missed comp;etely.

I am the edn of my rope. I got very aggressive  with the PA.  I asked her why, when I asked the nurse about Deep Vein Thrombosis, said it was DVT, just a small superficial clot, othing to worry about.  Nicole the PA said all clots are DVT, w=hich the AMerican Heart Association website (and several others that were not designed for civilians but for medical people) say is not true.

So they did a CAT scan, and NOW he had DVT behind his knee and a  clot in his lung.  

WHY THE FRIGGIN' HELL did they not do that CAT Scan when they discovered the one in his knee AND they knew he was having real problems breathing (turns out it was pneumonia which nobody bothered to tell us)? This sounds to me like GROSS incompetence. If there is a step beyond gross incompetence.

I was very aggressive in my questioning of Nicole, and MiL was mortified by aggressiveness and stopped out, leaving me unsure if she was leaving me there. I embarrassed her because I wanted to know the damned truth and was willing to have a knock-down dragout fight to get the facts. Because what I have gotten so far is at best half truths.  And I am not passive aggressive. I WILL go to them at  to learn the complete whole truth (which goes over with Nicole like a lead balloon and makes Ben unhappy with me). But so far they have made what seemed to me to have made so many mistakes which could have cost him his life, that I honestly have lost all faith in ANYONE at that hospital.ANd I wish I were ip North where family is respected and they actually the time to tell you the truth and generally don't make errors like not checking for a second clot in the lungs when his breathing isn't improving.

I'd also be thrilled to have nurses who speak something resembling the English language. His nurse today had a Southern accent so thick as to be unintelligible--and I can understand broad Yorkshire, thick Glaswegian, and very heavy Northern Irish brogues (reviews on Netflix always whine that they can't understand Irish accents)

I finally called Ben to get the info (since calling the damned nurses seems to be utterly  useless), and heard about the blood clot. I have been crying non-stop and I no longer have any faith in this hospital or its staff. They've either been too incompetent to answer  or they give me half truths. I don't trust any of them.  I told him  in tears that I am so damned lonely and I don't even get a hug from his family--and he said I should ask for one. I don't think I am being passive aggressive when I told him that if his mother isn't willing to hug me without my having to ask for one, that hug is worthless. It's just another passive aggressive piece of her bullshit.I am pissed enough at all of this that I couldn't call her to tell her about the blood clot. I called Amy. Amy advised sweet-talking the staff, the good old southern way. I told her I am incapable of pretending to be nice and that I am a Yankee and Irish and we speak the truth, and that I can't do it because my true feelings show on my face. I asked her to tell her mother because I really just couldn't do it.

I have never felt this terrified or lonely in my life. He isn't getting better. And if they didn't have the minimal competence to put together "Hmm, one blood clot and days after surgery still having major issues breathing.  Maybe he MIGHT have clot in his lungs  and we check for that. " And maybe do something. Nope they let it go 4 days. To me that feels like medical practice.

Unfortunately the only way I can get up there is via Faye. And right now I am reaching the point of just finding her annoying , but beginning to  move into flatout "I am never speaking to her again".  She'll likely have to drive him to appointments. I don't feel I can be in the same car with her without either crying or screaming at there.

And how the hell; can you sit in a car with someone who is sobbing (albeit silently ) the whole 40 minute trip home and not notice or say anything kind or comforting. I guess in her eyes I am too mean to the staff to deserve any comfort.  Any kindness beyond the merely physical.  And I am writing this AFTER taking a Valium/ I have been crying non-stop. And I am scared to my bones that he's gonna die (and Faye was happy when I told the PA that I am the one to be called in an emergency).

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Comment Preferences

  •  My dad had open heart surgery years ago and I (14+ / 0-)

    remember how scary it all was. I hope things improve for all of you. You are in my thoughts.

  •  This is infuriating. (21+ / 0-)

    This is completely infuriating.

    You and your husband deserve so much more than the dog and pony show this hospital is putting on.

    I'm so sorry.

    And what you're doing is exactly the right thing. You're keeping their feet to the fire and making sure they do what they're supposed to be going.

    They were ready to discharge him without doing basic due diligence?

    Unbelievable.

    An Fhirinn an aghaidh an t'Saoghail. (The truth against the world.) Is treasa tuath na tighearna. (The common people are mightier than the lords.)

    by OllieGarkey on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 03:54:45 PM PST

    •  The PA Nicole, whom I disliked from Day #1 (7+ / 0-)

      is the only one who bothered to check.  Ben doesn't much like her but as he put it he has to work her. SHe also lied to us from the beginning, claiming it's one of the 5. It doesn't make top 100. It makes the second tier. ANd it isn't the ?"Best hospital for cardio in GA" Emory is.  

      She will get a box of heart=shaped candy. And MAYBE Dyan who seems to be the competent nurse.

      But conidering his situation, they should have done the CAT Scan at least 4 days sooner. And Bem is pised at me for making a fuss and telling him when this is all over and I don't need her any more--he can visit her. I am at the popint of being so angry at her, I wouldn't care if I never saw her ever again.  I sat in the car with my face in my hands and didn't get a kind word fro,m her. Not oNe. Didn't hiug me. Nothing.   Even with Valium I cannot stop crying. ANd I have to wonder if they lie about their ranking, what else are they lying about????

      The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

      by irishwitch on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 05:28:14 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  you've more than earned (12+ / 0-)

    the right to scream at them - and at your MIL.
    Jeebus Ghu FSM, they sound like awful medical people.

    (When my father had his last stroke, we were lucky that one of his brothers was a doctor and could get the straight story from them, and then tell us. Otherwise I don't know how long it would have been before we got it.)

    (Is it time for the pitchforks and torches yet?)

    by PJEvans on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 04:05:18 PM PST

    •  Yes, I have heard that it is very helpful to have (9+ / 0-)

      a medical professional as intermediary.

      Irishwitch, all this stress cannot be good for YOUR ticker.  I hope you can take Valium or whatever you need to reduce your stress.  One thing that sometimes works for me is to take a huge deep breath, hold it a bit, and let it out as slowly as possible.  You can do this three times total (more and you might hyperventilate).

      Maybe you want to try to schedule a telephone call with the DOCTORS.  They will probably be much more well informed than the floor nurses, and they are trained at patient interaction.

      ...Son, those Elephants always look out for themselves. If you happen to get a crumb or two from their policies, it's a complete coincidence. -Malharden's Dad

      by slowbutsure on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 04:40:18 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  "*in* patient interaction". Good heavens, my (6+ / 0-)

        mother will haunt me tonight.

        And Ben may not be able to 'get' all the information he is given.  My Dad broke his arm recently.  He is very smart, but he misunderstood a lot of instructions - whether from shock or drug interactions or something else, I don't know.  When I pointed out that his beliefs did not make sense based on the written material they had sent home with him, he uncharacteristically stuck to his guns.

        Wish I was there to give you a great, big hug!  I am a Ramblin' Wreck from Georgia Tech.

        ...Son, those Elephants always look out for themselves. If you happen to get a crumb or two from their policies, it's a complete coincidence. -Malharden's Dad

        by slowbutsure on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 04:47:16 PM PST

        [ Parent ]

        •  Ben is in full control of his senses. (5+ / 0-)

          But they don't tell him stuff. MiL gets in a huff because I am not being nice tot he doctors and staff when I keep up a dogged barrage of questions till I actually get a complete answer. SHe is 78 and beleives any BS a doctor tells her.  And I  am su[pposed to kiss their ass. And after learning they flatout lied about the hospital being one of the top in the country--it's like #8 in overall care and about 5th in GA which  is NOT what they told us. They claiomed they much better than EMory which DOES make the top 100 nationawide--they don't crack the top 100 by ANY ranking.

          The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

          by irishwitch on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 05:35:29 PM PST

          [ Parent ]

      •  The DOCTORS are the ones who wanted to discharge (4+ / 0-)

        Him. The PA didn't like the way his O2 saturation went way down after a brief walk.   SHE insisted on the CAT Scan. I don't like her, but she may be the only competent person standing between him and death. They knew about one blood clot. They about the breathing (and only yesterday got around to telling him he had serious bronchitis or maybe pneumpnia).  So, now I can't talk to the doctors who make rounds and talk to families (Surgical Personality otherwise knows as Higjly Educated Asshole--I
        ve run into them before, and they hate me because I will continue asking questions until I get an honest answer).

        The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

        by irishwitch on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 05:32:16 PM PST

        [ Parent ]

  •  An independent patient advocate may help? (28+ / 0-)

    I know from personal experience that hospitals can be absolutely horrific places to actually heal. Patients need fierce advocates, and the best advocate is somebody with medical education and experience. Love just isn't enough.

    Here's a few resources:

    Patient Advocate Foundation
    One-on-one assistance with a professional case manager to help patients, caregivers or providers resolve healthcare issues. Case Managers are available to assist patients, caregivers and their providers who face debilitating, chronic or life threatening disease.
    Call toll free at 1-800-532-5274 (Se habla Español)
    Email case management staff at help@patientadvocate.org
    Why It's Wise to Use a Health Advocate By Carolyn M. Clancy, M.D.

    I don't know the ages involved here, but the National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers has some great resources for all ages, too.

    Find a Care Manager

    A Geriatric Care Manager is a health and human services specialist who acts as a guide and advocate for families who are caring for older relatives or disabled adults. The Geriatric Care Manager is educated and experienced in any of several fields related to care management, including, but not limited to nursing, gerontology, social work, or psychology, with a specialized focus on issues related to aging and elder care.

    Check out my progressive tshirts & gear: DemSwag.com or my hand-drawn reproduction of Rachel's Excelsior Poster from Friends available on cards, stickers, curtains etc.

    by Eileen B on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 04:06:55 PM PST

    •  Agree about patient advocate (22+ / 0-)

      I have been following your diaries without comment and can understand your alarm.  Your husband's case seems to have gone downhill from the get-go.  You seem to be burning yourself out with the staff.  Let someone else carry the fight for a while so you can regroup.

      Don't look back, something may be gaining on you. - L. "Satchel" Paige

      by arlene on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 04:16:22 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  I odn't trust anyone else. (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        Cassandra Waites

        NONE of his family have the guts to ak questions. They just sit there and nod. They are no help.  So if ANYONE is gonna help it's gotta be me. I have met ONE patient advocate who was worht a damn. Most see theior job as defending the hospital and telling you why you are being mean and wrong.  That happened to me in a Navy hospital with Dental.  Ben literally grabbed the little jerk who had told me how nasty I was to the dentist be daring to ask for a second opiniopn siunce I would answer no questions. Ben literally reached down and opicked the guy up by his shirt.  The entire Dental staff got fired--partly because Ben called head of Medical and dental in ALL the base hospitals--and partly because the dental dick yelled at a Captain's wife. They were booted out and the dental dick who wasn't real active duty justy someone doing his Reserve year, got tol that he was on a plane the next day. He'd muster out in Treasure Ireland and they'd send his shit to him. He wanted to go fulltime active--and he was told not only no, but hell no.

        The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

        by irishwitch on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 05:45:54 PM PST

        [ Parent ]

        •  You're talking about a patient advocate that (8+ / 0-)

          works for the hospital -- you're right, they're useless. They're only there to prevent you from suing the hospital.

          You need an independent patient advocate! The only responsibility of an independent patient advocate is to help the patient navigate the health care system and fight for the PATIENT.

          Your stress is extraordinary. An independent advocate will reduce your stress and fight like hell for Ben.

          Check out my progressive tshirts & gear: DemSwag.com or my hand-drawn reproduction of Rachel's Excelsior Poster from Friends available on cards, stickers, curtains etc.

          by Eileen B on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 06:01:22 PM PST

          [ Parent ]

          •  They cost money. (2+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            Cassandra Waites, Ahianne

            We don't have any. Really--foreclosure and bankrupt already.

            And I strongly suspect this hospita;l woul;dn't handle someone from outiside standing up for me. Hell, they don't like me even asking hard questions.

            If this were the NE, I'd do it--but the SOuth expects families to just accept anything they say. they get pissed off if you askl questions, and generally are angry if you complain. Only reason the sitter who se idea of tak9ing care of Dad  got fired was they'd other complaints. Ditto the nruse.  But I am not finding this unit all that great and they don't much care ofr stressed out wives (especially ones who haven't there all day every day) who aren't sweet and SOuthern.  I'll try your suggestion but if I am really, really lucky, ther MIGHT enough to have food for me and the cats for the mont.  The "big" check--his pension won't be deposited till the 1st and that pays msot of the bills. SO there is lots more going on than just the hsopita;l telling lies any half competent person could fin out were leis in--oh it took me 30 minutes.  

            The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

            by irishwitch on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 06:55:32 PM PST

            [ Parent ]

            •  No, they don't cost money. (10+ / 0-)

              This organization provides free advocates:

              Patient Advocate Foundation

              One-on-one assistance with a professional case manager to help patients, caregivers or providers resolve healthcare issues. Case Managers are available to assist patients, caregivers and their providers who face debilitating, chronic or life threatening disease.

              Call toll free at 1-800-532-5274 (Se habla Español)

              Email case management staff at help@patientadvocate.org
              I'm telling you, I've been where you are caring for loved ones in the hospital that screws up their care. I also get how "the south" treats women. I've been there, too.

              You are the best advocate for your husband, but you're not a doctor. You didn't know to ask them to look for additional clots. A qualified, independent patient advocate does know these things. They are mostly doctors and nurses themselves, who got fed up with hospital bullshit and switched teams to genuinely help patients.

              IMO, part of being the best supporter you can be for Ben? It's enlisting more resources of genuine support. You need allies. It seems like you don't have any allies at all? That sucks a lot, yes, but now is the time to find some allies. Your husband's health could depend on it. :(

              Don't let those bastards win. Stack the deck for Ben.

              Check out my progressive tshirts & gear: DemSwag.com or my hand-drawn reproduction of Rachel's Excelsior Poster from Friends available on cards, stickers, curtains etc.

              by Eileen B on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 08:03:57 PM PST

              [ Parent ]

    •  57 is not geriatric. Geez am onlyn 64. (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      Cassandra Waites

      They're just a bunch of passive aggressives whoa re used to never being questioned. They get angry if you question aggressively.

      Let me see: didn't tell us Ben had had pneumopnis.  Didin't catch the breathing problem when he already had ONE bloodclot. Didn't the CAT scan like they shopuld have consdiering their symptoms.

      And flatout lied about how good they are. They're top5. They're even top 100.  I no longer beleive a damned word they say. They've told me one too many half truths.

      And a patient advicate down here is gonna be from the area--and the is gonna fislike me because I don't play the game you
      re supposed to. It's not a game I u derstand. And half the time I cna't uinderstand what the staff is saying--noty he medical jargon, their accents. Jeez, I cna navigate Belfat and Derry Northrn Irish accents, I can gret Bropad Yorkshire and Glaswegian, and even East London and Cockney--but I feel like I am watching Honey BooBoo (which I don't watch but the ads are sometimes inflicted on me) and I need subtitles.

      The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

      by irishwitch on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 05:41:06 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  Dear irishwitch my heart goes out to you. Marshal (10+ / 0-)

    all the strength and healing forces at your command and, if you must fight, fight very very smart. Best wishes and much love to you and your husband in this desperate time.

    Dance lightly upon the Earth, Sing her songs with wild abandon, Smile upon all forms of Life ...and be well.

    by LinSea on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 04:08:49 PM PST

  •  Gods. Good luck and good health (9+ / 0-)

    to you and Ben. May all wind up going well. May you get what you need.

  •  DVT's (15+ / 0-)

    Hospital incompetence in Nov 2012 after an angiogram caused what they called  MASSIVE clotting from my knee to my pelvis in my right leg.

    Scary shit. But, I still got the leg! And none of the clots moved. Thank goodness. They kept telling me to COME IN IMMEDIATELY if I had trouble breathing......OY.

    Two months of watching and waiting. And they kept having to remove me off the rat poison cause they also screwed up my Femoral Artery and couldn't stop the bleeding there. So. Bad situations.
    Surgery and five hospital stays. The food is like reconstituted dog kibble. Blech.

    Its frightening, but now as long as its being treated....

    Hospitals suck, and the people that work in them often forget that they are there to help people.

    I know....Right?

    I just finished an 8 hr shift, on my feet. Leg hurts like crap. I usually picture the Dr that did this finding squirrel poop in his shoes. That helps. :)

    Thinking of you hon. Blessed Be.

    "As the days go by, we face the increasing inevitability that we are alone in a godless, uninhabited, hostile and meaningless universe. Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?" - Holly, Red Dwarf

    by pale cold on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 04:12:08 PM PST

    •  Right now I don't beleive a think they say. (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      cai, pale cold

      They lied about the hospital ranking. It's #6 in GA. It sure as hell isn't number 5 nationwide in cardio surgery. It doesn't even crack the top 100. They're second tier--and they leid about it to us.  If the PA (whom i don't m,uch like and haven't  since Day 1 when I met her)hadn't gotten the CAT,. they'd have discharged hhim topday withg a blood clot in his lung, which is very often  fatal.

      The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

      by irishwitch on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 05:52:50 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

    •  Pale (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      pale cold

      I hope you get better soon. Sounds like you went thru hell You are right, DVT is very scary.
      We're they negligent during the angio?  
      I have worked at hospitals most of my life, and you are also right that folks pretend you don't excist.
      I constantly told my coworkers that when you go in to a patient's room, you problems stop at their door.
      I have seen people talking about their problems when working with patients and not even acknowledging that the patient isn't in the same room.
      When I broke my jaw, they kept trying to take my temp orally and brought me solid food.
      I hope things get better for you soon.

      Of all the preposterous assumptions of humanity, nothing exceeds the critisism made by the habits of the poor by the well housed, well fed elites.

      by snoopydawg on Wed Jan 29, 2014 at 12:09:10 AM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  Thanks Snoopy (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        snoopydawg

        Physically, I'm much improved. Just weird itching inside my leg and pain some/ most days. My doctor said there will be no Hallelujah moment. It will get better, or it wont.

        They crushed the veins in my leg, and the cath was put into the artery wrong.

        Most of the negligence was afterwards though, they are very cavalier with people's lives.

        Anyhoo. The worst part of all of it is what happened to my family and my marriage directly because of this stuff.

        Pain in the leg is the least of  the pain I figured out. :)

        "As the days go by, we face the increasing inevitability that we are alone in a godless, uninhabited, hostile and meaningless universe. Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?" - Holly, Red Dwarf

        by pale cold on Wed Jan 29, 2014 at 05:30:11 AM PST

        [ Parent ]

  •  groan...... (6+ / 0-)

    Just a few words here:

    1. The news sucks.  BIG time.

    2. I'm sorry you are facing it and am doing what little I can about it.

    3. You are most emphatically NOT to blame for your rage at the situation you're in.

    4. You and Ben alike WILL emerge from this.

    5. I still have your back and still have you in my thoughts and prayers.

    I'm sorry I cannot suggest anything which might help; do please remember that you are handling this as I would handle it -- or if anything, better than I would. Other commenters have made some suggestions, but ever do keep in mind that it is you who get to decide here.

    Please continue to maintain yourself. For your own sake, for Ben's sake, and for our sake as well.

    love -- Sean

    Anarchism is anti-capitalist, and advocates egalitarianism, mutual aid, and reciprocity, and goes back centuries. -- DailyKos User ZhenRen

    by thanatokephaloides on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 04:32:27 PM PST

  •  Sending a huge hug and blessings - (14+ / 0-)

    I know it's not the same through the Virtual World, but here is a hug, anyway: {{{IW}}}
    And I know about the Irish in action, as my MIL, born and raised in County Galway, is a fierce protector of her family. (Also, thank goodness, very good at hugs as needed.)

    It sounds as if the nurses are somewhere between uninformed and unhelpful. One might say between clueless and hostile, but I'd hate to say that myself without direct observations. this is really too bad, as a smart nurse can be a huge help to patients. If you can find such a person and figure out when she is on and ask if you can speak with her directly, that might help.

    I have found quite often that the only person who can really give complete and correct information is the doctor. It can be hard to catch them, but if you know when they are doing rounds, you might be able to be there and meet them with your husband and get the information and ask questions directly. Usually they show up first thing in the morning, especially if it's a teaching hospital, and then late in the day, if they are conscientious or if the patient seems to need an extra look-in. I know this is hard with only the MIL for transportation; maybe a friend could help? Or maybe you could ask to be called and conference in then?

    And the suggestion of a patient advocate is a great one! We have such people at our hospital, and they are quite a help. If your "top 5" hospital doesn't have one, you might suggest that they consider adding this, as all the really top hospitals do this now.

    My heart goes out to both of you, though, and I hope that he improves quickly and you can rest better. When something supposed to be routine does not go well, it is so terribly stressful! Holding you both in the Light, as Friends say (and even the staff and MIL, as it seems that they might need a little providential nudge, or maybe a big push, in this case.)

    •  Great ideas Laurel. (5+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      Sylv, LinSea, cai, linkage, chimene

      Brought To You By That Crazed Sociologist/Media Fanatic rebel ga Be The Change You Want To See In The World! Gandhi

      by rebel ga on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 04:53:36 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  It towuld be if I beleived I could trust her. (3+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        linkage, Cassandra Waites, chimene

        I have dealt with patient advocates in the past.  Every single one has beem a waste of oxygen. Their job is not to thelp patients or famileis, it's just to get you to go away. I could tell you a couple of horror stories--but I'll spare you them Suffice it to say that I had an abcess (a big one) and the damned resident didn't even bother to give me novocaine before he cut not deep enough to get it right. I went tot he clinci as ordered. He was just  as obnoxious as he had been when he didn't ven use novocaine, just told me to scream if I wanted. He sacrewed up.  I filed a complaint with patient advocate. SHe told me to sit down and shut up and be greateul he bothered with me. Had the same thing happen at one Navy hospital too

         I had to go back to the clinic for employees, and when the real doctor saw my arm, he outswore a master chief in ther Navy. He asked why 10 days later it wasn't really draining. I explained what he hadn't done: check how deep the infection went, with this doctor did. He asked the surse was this how it happened. She told I was, if anything, downplaying and that she had lit into him once I was gone. He asked had I filed a complaint with advocate.  I said yes and told him "helpful" she was.  He had tor eopen the wou d, and 35 years later I still ahve an ugly 2 inch scar that wouldn't have been bad had the iudiot done hsi jjobThis doctor knw who wiorked that day, and he said he suspected this intern was gonna wash out if he had anything to say about, and he was planning om ringing the chimes of the so-called advocate.

        They work for the hospital, not the patient.

        The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

        by irishwitch on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 06:08:39 PM PST

        [ Parent ]

    •  I have never set eyes on the doctor. Id have to (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      Cassandra Waites, chimene

      to get up at 5 am to have a chance to see them. ANd I trust them about as far as I can throw his mother. They were discharging him w ithoput actually checking his lungs for another clot even though his breathing is as  bnas as when he came down from ICU and the already knew about the leg clot.

      Plus they are SOuthern. doctors (and men for that matter) with the exception of our GP, do not handle angry intelligent women actually question their judgment and their lack of communication. I don't like the PA at all but at ;east SHE discovered the clot.

      AS for Top5--it's not even Top 5 in GA. It doesn't crack the Top 100 nationally it's second tier--and that may be overestimating. I checked 5 diffferent ranking. Just another little fib they told--they also claiemd they were much better than EMory when I asked. Guess what? EMORY is top 100 and the best for this GA. Hell they are lsited as #8 for just plain hospitals in GA. I don't trust this hospital and if he dies, I am gonna sue for a lot of cash and their balls.

      A patient advocate, I have learned the hard way,. NEVER takes the family's part. Their job is to just calm you down. I've had this happen TWICE.

      The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

      by irishwitch on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 06:00:58 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  Wish you had better docs and nurses! (0+ / 0-)

        Gosh, that really is a dismal set of people and circumstances to be facing in a serious medical care situation! I'm so sorry you don't have a better set of allies there, who would be fighting the illness instead of fighting you.

        I know that good patient advocates exist - I've had help from some - but you have to have a smart hospital and docs, who define the advocate's job not as silencing the patient or family, but as figuring out if there is something wrong and helping to get it fixed. In the long run, that helps the hospital and doctors as well as the patient and family.

        Sure hope that your husband will come into the care of a doctor who is not only smart, but wise. A wise doctor - or nurse - would be grateful for your passionate advocacy on your husband's behalf, and would be cheered to know that her patient would be discharged into the care of someone who cares so much and works so hard to help. I know such doctors exist - my parents' doctors, most of my colleagues - and they can lighten the burden of serious illness, instead of making it worse.

        Wish there were something practical I could do to help, to get you guys out of the anti-matter version of "best healthcare practices", but will continue "holding in the Light" as Friends say. Just know there are lots of caregivers who know how hard your job is, and who hope with all our hearts that the story will have a good ending, with a good recovery from here on out.

  •  Hugs and prayers going out to you. (4+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    marina, LinSea, irishwitch, chimene

    I wish I was there to hug you in person.

    "For we, the people, understand that our country cannot succeed when a shrinking few do very well and a growing many barely make it." - President Barack Obama, Second Inaugural Address, January 21, 2013.

    by surfermom on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 04:47:22 PM PST

  •  Exactly IrishWitch (5+ / 0-)
    WHY THE FRIGGIN' HELL did they not do that CAT Scan when they discovered the one in his knee AND they knew he was having real problems breathing!
    This could be medical malpractice. If you are going to sue, you need to contact a lawyer immediately.

    And they're giving him a harsh drug like zoloft, because? Rhetorical question. I don't see why they should be giving him zoloft at all.

    zoloft side affects

    Hang in there IrishWitch. I'm sure; even with the incompetent treatment he's getting that Ben will recover and be fine.

    I'm still praying for you both

    Brought To You By That Crazed Sociologist/Media Fanatic rebel ga Be The Change You Want To See In The World! Gandhi

    by rebel ga on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 04:48:44 PM PST

    •  I looked up Zoloft in the PDR (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      buddabelly, chimene

      and several medi al websites--I nevver use WebMD becasue it is well-nigh useless. I told Ben I wanted him off as as posible because it can kill you.

      The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

      by irishwitch on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 06:10:25 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  Why would they put him on an SSRI at this point? (4+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        Sylv, worldlotus, chimene, asym

        He won't be in the hospital long enough to titrate the dose to his needs if he needs an anti-depressant.

        That seems like an odd choice if he wasn't on a antidepressant already......

        If he's on any length of time you must taper down or it can be a real pita....never just stop an SSRI of any name....

        Vaya con Dios Don Alejo
        I want to die a slave to principles. Not to men.
        Emiliano Zapata

        by buddabelly on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 07:20:25 PM PST

        [ Parent ]

      •  Can't figure why they'd put him on an SSRI either (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        Sylv

        especially when there must be several other meds they have to juggle. Psychotropic drugs are tricky to work out at the best of times, so why are they messing with this?

        To be fair to Zoloft (or the generic, sertraline, which I've taken for years), when it's the right fit for a brain it can make a hell of a positive difference. But if he wasn't, you know, dangerously depressed, then putting him on any psychotropic right now seems nuts. And if he's been on them for a while already, they'll need to titrate them down, you don't want to stop cold turkey (more because it could be quite unpleasant than because it would be dangerous).

        I'm just pissed off if someone gives a useful pharmaceutical (for some of us, not everyone) a bad name by using it stupidly.

  •  Like Laurel said, you need an advocate. (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    LinSea, greengemini, chimene

    Hospitals always have a Sociologist on staff, to help patients and their families.

    I would ask to see one IW. They can help you with a lot.

    Also doesn't Ben's dr talk to you regularly, discussing his condition? The dr, should be available to speak to you upon request.

    Brought To You By That Crazed Sociologist/Media Fanatic rebel ga Be The Change You Want To See In The World! Gandhi

    by rebel ga on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 04:56:26 PM PST

    •  I have dealt with what passed for an advocate here (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      chimene

      SHe was utterly useless and couldn't have cared less. They work for the hsopital, not the petient.

      I have nevvver even met Ben's doctors --they come in at 6:30 or 7 am--it's 45 minute trip there.  And they don't much care to talk to families. They're chestcutters, period.

      Plus after all the leis the hospital has told me, c;laiming to be best in GA (not even clsoe) and the top 5 nationally (barely in the next 200, BARELY).  ANd thsoe docs are the oens whoi didn't check for ling clot.   So mo, I am hlaf afraid I will show up at the hospital with Ben's transition rapier and perform some open heart surgery on them without benefit of anaesthesia./

      I've had ewnough experience with NEGA to know that the "help" they give isn't worth shit--espcailly after my experience with DAD.

      The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

      by irishwitch on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 06:15:03 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  That's awful. Sorry to hear no help available. (0+ / 0-)

        Good thing you're a tough lady. You are your own advocate for Ben.

        The blood clots are bad and should have been found immediately.

        You are so correct about that. But they should have them pretty much cleared up by now?

        And they've also been giving Ben the worst medications. I never heard of giving anyone anything that would cause hallucinations. I guess that should have been a clue for me to see what a bad hospital it is.

        Nowadays, (no matter how bad their doctors, etc are), people recover from open heart surgery very quickly.

        In my hometown, Bayonne NJ the hospital is like this one.

        I had my gallbladder out.

        Was alone. The nurses just threw me into the bed afterwards.

        I have neck and back injuries, they were supposed to be aware of. And I couldn't move to a comfortable position.

        After about an hour of begging, they gave me water. I took a couple of sips and spilled some. I mentioned it to one of them and they moved my table away so I couldn't reach the water any more.

        Finally; after about another hour, a Nurse's Aid I knew since she was a teenager came in. Fixed my pillows and me in a comfortable position and gave me a pitcher of ice water.

        The next morning a woman comes in and mops the hospital room floor.

        Only she left it so wet that when I got up I slipped and almost fell.

        That would have been great with my bad back and neck and just having surgery. I was lucky, I maintained my balance. Barely.

        And after I came out of surgery, (still in recovery-it's same day surgery but I had no one at home to take care of me so dr said they should keep me overnight), two aids came over to the gurney and told me hurry up, get up, you have to go home on the last (medical) bus. I just looked at them and passed out again. They were trying to send me home without pain meds?

        I've had lots of rotten drs and hospital stays.

        I didn't know many hospitals were as bad as mine.

        At least in NJ we do have many hospitals to choose from.

        I was just unfortunate enough to live in my town.

        I'm praying for you and Ben Irish Witch. Keep after them. Ben has a great advocate, You!

        Brought To You By That Crazed Sociologist/Media Fanatic rebel ga Be The Change You Want To See In The World! Gandhi

        by rebel ga on Thu Jan 30, 2014 at 02:14:21 AM PST

        [ Parent ]

    •  Do you have Barbara the chaplain on speed-dial? (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      Sylv, rebel ga

      She sounds like a gem and would probably be happy to have you call her. And in addition to emotional support, she might have some good insights on how to work the system to get what Ben needs -- and whether there is some group of volunteers that provides transportation to and from the hospital for family members, so you could get there without dealing with MIL. Just a thought, trying to help not criticize.

  •  You may be justified in your view of your MIL, (10+ / 0-)

    but when it comes to hugs, different people are just different.  I have friends who don't really want to give/get hugs -- from anyone.  I have others who hug freely.  And some people just cannot stand to be touched sometimes.  So she may not know if you want a hug, or know how to offer.

    It doesn't make it easier or less lonely for you, but sometimes we attribute intent incorrectly.

    I understand being upset with the nurses for not communicating with you; that is valid.  But it's not their responsibility to catch things like more blood clots, or to recommend CT scans.  Even experienced nurses, who might have ideas, may not relationships with doctors such that they're allowed to suggest anything without being yelled at.  Again, this does not excuse not communicating with you accurately, but they can't control the course of his care.

    Is there any possibility that you could stay at the hospital with him?  Many hospitals have couches in their rooms now, making it possible for a spouse to stay over.

    I understand if your health doesn't allow it, but if it would, maybe it would help you keep on top of the staff there.

    Just spitballing here... do you know any medical professionals as friends or family?  If you asked them to, some of them might be able to come and help you talk to the medical staff.  I'm not saying you're doing it wrong, but sometimes doctors or nurses get better answer from hospital staff, because staff understands that other medical professionals will be able to follow fine distinctions.

    © cai Visit 350.org to join the fight against global warming.

    by cai on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 04:58:46 PM PST

    •  The only MD I trust in the entire state (3+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      linkage, Cassandra Waites, chimene

      is my GP.

      ANd my MiL is very Huggy. SHe just doesn't understand me and won't even make the slightest effort to try. SHe knows he and I both hate thios place so as far as she's concerned I am rude. mean, im[polite---despite after being my tongue so ma y times over the insults I've dea't with from her nasty, mean granddaughters.  I sat in the car and cried. NOT ONE WORD og kindness from her. Apparently my crying wasn't worth her notice.

      I wish I were wrong, but I've been married to Ben for 25 years. He knows precisely how passive aggressive she is.  I know flatout thst she has never said "I love you" to me. The msot she's ever been able to say through gritted teeth is "Thank you for loving my son."  I used to love her. I now see her exactl;y who she is--and it sure ios someonewho doesn't much like me. She took Dad's part when he was being abusive to me verbally and physically. I tried telling her that the social worker at the ALzheimer's Association had done an in-depth interwview and that Dad was verbnally and emotionally abisive to me, had been all my life--and her response was "I don't beleive that sweet old man could hurt anyone's feeliongs."  So I backed Ben;'s ordering her out the house because every time she came, he was 200% meaner to me. SO yeah, I know her, I know what she thinks of me--and she didn't hug me becasue she, at this poinmtcan't stand me becuase I am not behaving like a proper SOuthern lady.  SO I wish I were interpreting is wrong--but no, I amnot.

      I only wish I hadn't kept up drivin g instead of letting Ben drive all the time. Because I will get back in synch and I don't plan on having much to do with her.  He can visit. I will stay home.

      The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

      by irishwitch on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 06:24:36 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  I'm sorry you have that added stress. (2+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        linkage, chimene

        And that she can't look past her own ideal of manners to see that you are doing your best for Ben.  My goodness, to hear tell she reminds me of Mrs. Bridge in the eponymous novel, a woman too repressed to yell for help when she was in mortal danger.

        Animals are good, though -- they don't give a rat's about manners.  

        I hope you can learn to drive again; it would give you back some sense of autonomy.

        © cai Visit 350.org to join the fight against global warming.

        by cai on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 06:32:48 PM PST

        [ Parent ]

      •  If you trust your GP (4+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        Sylv, greengemini, Eileen B, chimene

        Then get on the phone tomorrow and ask her (or him) for assistance.

        Really you are just going around and around in your stew over whether or not the hospital accurately told you where they are ranked in some listing.  That doesn't matter one damned bit.  What would you have done if they had said they ranked dead last?

        If you're not happy with the care he's getting at NEGA, then arrange an ambulance transfer to somewhere else.  Your GP may have some suggestions and since you say she/he understands you - and since you use the plural possesive presumably Ben, as well - having her as an advocate and explainer will be a big help.

        I am keeping you and Ben in my thoughts. And I hope that you can get some rest.

        Araguato

        •  Actually it fucking DOES matter. (1+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          chimene

          THey LIED.  And this, sadly, is the hospital Tricare Prime will cover.  I
          d have put him in the car and gotten the hell out of Dodge. But they LIED>  I am noit stewing. I am angry and I ma angry about the leis and I ma angry aboput the damned incompetence of the supposedly great doctors.  I ahve a right to be angry, ANd plain and simple, if they lied about the ranking, I cannot beleive a damned thing they say.  ANd if you are incapable of understanding that......

           GP is blessedly male.

          I have yet to meet a SOuthern female in medicine I have liked worth 2 cents. The doctors everyone hates becasue they're "abrupt and they're mean" (translation : they tell you the truth) I have gotten along well with--the female gun?  I owuldn't trecommend her to someone who hadn't a lobotomy.
          Some of us are dirtpoor. ANd my GP isn't open tomorow,

          The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

          by irishwitch on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 06:48:28 PM PST

          [ Parent ]

          •  OK, so you're stuck with the hospital (5+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            greengemini, Sylv, chimene, cap76, Ahianne

            if that's what your insurance covers.

            But this is the Northeast Georgia Medical center, right?

            They seem on my Google search to have some good grades from Health Grades in Cardiology:

            http://www.nghs.com/...

            I'm not looking for a dispute, and I have no idea what they said, or you heard, but this doesn't look on paper like a crummy, incompetent, hospital that can't care adequately for your husband. And again, if this is the only hospital you have access to, then it's a moot point what their ranking is since you can't choose another, right?

            And keep in mind that recovery from something as serious as this always comes with ups and downs.  Remember I mentioned that my husband was in cardiac intensive care for three weeks, not in the hospital for three weeks, in the CICU for three weeks.  That didn't happen because he (or  I) liked the place - it was because he didn't have a smooth recovery, there were major problems and issues. But he did recover, please hold on to that thought when you fall into the abyss of fear.

            Even if your GP doesn't see patients on Wednesday, he very likely has an answering service and since he knows you and you have faith in him, call tomorrow and say it's urgent that you speak with him, and why.  (If you say it's an emergency, the answering service will just tell you to go to an ER, which won't do the trick.)

            Really, from where I'm sitting, you seem completely overwhelmed by this, and I am worried about both you and Ben.  (Don't give a rats' * about your MiL - sucks to her!)  

            But you need to be seen by your own doc, as soon as possible because your health seems at risk. (And also to enlist his advice and advocacy for Ben.)

            You need sleep.

            You need to figure out a way to come and go at the hospital that doesn't involve MiL.

            You may need to figure out if you can stay at the hospital more in order to get a handle on things and clarify some of the messy parts.  So that means you may need help with feeding your cats at home when you are at the hospital.

            You have my - and dozens of other Kospeople's - heart-felt good wishes and concern, but there is little we can do beyond that.  And I don't think venting and cyberhugs, alone, will help you climb out of this crisis.  You need practical help.

            Have you got friends or family outside of the area that could (with your permission) start to help you find a solution to the transportation issue, find some cat care, help you find a patient and care-giver's advocate, etc.? I'm pretty sure that some of these resources could be organized or at least sorted through long-distance, via phone or internet.

            Many solutions to these problems may be less than perfectly satisfactory or completely to your liking, but at this point it seems more important to get some help, rather than have none.

            I am, as always, thinking of you and ready to Kosmail if there is anything you can think of that I can do. (But I hope by now you have staggered to bed and are tucked up with pooties.)

            Araguato

  •  still praying for you both (5+ / 0-)

    I have no words or wisdom for you, although I too had a terrible experience with the nurses when I had colon cancer surgery a few years ago.  Not at Gwinnett Medical, but the same incompetence and lack of concern.  

    I don't know if there's anything that I can do for you on a practical level because I do  have a full time job in Atlanta, but if there's any practical help I could give you say over the weekend or something????

      still sending you light, love and Sacred Energy

    sometimes the dragon wins

    by kathy in ga on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 05:02:51 PM PST

    •  This is NE GA Medical Center (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      linkage, chimene

      They lied about their ranking--I guess they don't realize some of us r4ead above an 8th grade level and know how to google. Their claim to be  i of the top five in cardio?  Lies. They don't even make the top 100--and they aren't even the besty (despite their claim) in GA.  They scrape the bottom of the second 100--whuich means they're okat--but not where I owuld ahve wanted him.

      Plus if they could miss a blood clot on the lungs--what the hell eslse did they get wrong.

      The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

      by irishwitch on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 06:27:17 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  Actually (4+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        chimene, Araguato, cap76, Sylv

        Maybe what they meant to say was the top 5 percent - in 2009, anyway:

        HealthGrades study finds Northeast Georgia Medical Center is one of only nine hospitals in the nation to rank #1 in all four cardiac categories

        For the fourth year in a row (2006-2009), Northeast Georgia Medical Center (NGMC) has ranked #1 in Georgia and in the top 5% in the nation for cardiac care, according to the 11th annual HealthGrades Hospital Quality in America Study. Specifically, for 2009, NGMC is:

             #1 in GA for Overall Cardiac Services
             #1 in GA for Cardiac Surgery
             #1 in GA for Cardiology Services
             #1 in GA for Coronary Interventional Procedures

  •  so I know tehillim aren't your thing (psalms) (7+ / 0-)

    being a Pagan and all - but they are mine, and I'm saying them as fast as I can.  It's what we do. hug

    Hang in there.  I second the idea of an intermediary or advocate, the stress isn't good for you and you know how southern people can just put up that wall (I'm southern, I know) when they feel slighted.  

    Start talking to lawyers as well.  Nothing puckers an intractable southern asshole like a call from a lawyer.

    My "gut feeling" is that despite all the bullshit he will come out of it all right.  Hang in there.

    I'm so fat! Oh, they're going to love me, I'm so marbled! - Jack LeMans, Bounty Killer

    by Mortifyd on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 05:08:01 PM PST

    •  Thank you. (4+ / 0-)

      Iam 1/4 Russian Jew--which doesn't count because it's the paternal line.

      I've done with Patient Advocates. Their jopb is not to help the familu--and I've dealth with them at THIS hos[ital--it's to make sure they soother ruffled feathers and don
      t sue the hosp[ital/

      The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

      by irishwitch on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 06:28:51 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  More upsetting news (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    cai, chimene

    NEGA CLAIMS to be one of the 5 cardio centers in the U>S.

    They lied. I just an hour on the net researching,m something I wish I had done the day he went to the ER.  They don't crack the Top 100 by any rankling I could find.  Their cardio doesn't crack the Top 100. They aren't even one of the top5 hospitals in GA. They're #8,

    If they can't even be honest with their ranking, why should I believe ANYTHING I've been told.  Really, why should I?

    At this point I don't. They're listed as "high-performing" but that makes them second tier at best. ANd they LIED about their ranking.

    Ben's mad at him because I am so furious with her mother who stimped off when I cross-examined the PA. I had to keep asking the same question 5 times, and I got increasingly less pleasant each time. I cried the whole damned way ho,e in the car, and MiL said not one comforting word because she was passively aggressively angry at me for daring to insist on straight answers from the PA (nobody else has given me any in 2 weeks).

    IO have never felt so lonely in my life and so afraind.

    If they can'
    t even tell the truth about their ranking, what else are they lying about> And WHY knowing he had one clot and had poor O2 saturation levels, didn't they check his lungs????????

    The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

    by irishwitch on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 05:21:44 PM PST

    •  Who claimed that? (4+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      Sylv, viral, greengemini, chimene

      If it was just one nurse, then she's confused and needs to be corrected.

      If it's more people, or a website, or whatnot, then it's something that really needs to be corrected.

      But it doesn't have to be now.  Your priorities now are Ben's health and well-being, and your own health and well-being.  Everything else is a distraction or worse, a thief of your time and energy.

      © cai Visit 350.org to join the fight against global warming.

      by cai on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 05:51:18 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  WHy do you seem to think I make this shit upo? (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        chimene

        The PA, several nurses.  ANd they flatout lied. I asked three or four different people.  I got around to looking up their rankings. Not even theop 100 in the country, scraping bottom of next 100. NOT nbest in GA--that's EMory who they told me wasn't nearly as good.  SO yeah, they lied--I looked at at least 8 different ranking--they're second tier at best.  At least the PA is competent --if they'd discharged him with a clot in the long he could be dead rightnow.  

        So yeah, once he's reovered Imay talk to lawyers.  Because the supposedly "excellemt" docs didn't make the connection between the really low O2 levels, and a clot they'd already found iumn hius leg, and they knew he was still having major breathing problems. That speaks of either incompetence or else not taking the time to look at his chart.

        The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

        by irishwitch on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 06:33:40 PM PST

        [ Parent ]

  •   i'm sorry to hear about the bad news IW (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    irishwitch, greengemini, chimene

    but i agree thast you need to hold thier fet to the proverbial fuire. not catching this will, if ben, god forbid, doesnt make it , will absolutely result inn a lawsuit for malpractice. you will certainly be in your right to pursue that avenue.  what about moving ben into the icu for observation? lung clots are serious business as are DVTs. better to be on the safe side.

  •  Take one cat (4+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    cai, greengemini, chimene, Ahianne

    If I remember, MiL has been rather in denial over Ben's condition so being faced with the reality may have led to that silent trip home.

    Now is the time for you to recover from your distress at the visit. The valium was a start but sit down in a comfy chair with a blanket round you (has the temperature improved yet?); have a nice drink like camomile tea to help you relax and dragoon one of the cats for being stroked duties which should help bring down your blood pressure.  

    Take care.

    We will work, we will play, we will laugh, we will live. We will not waste one moment, nor sacrifice one bit of our freedom, because of fear.

    by Lib Dem FoP on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 05:38:01 PM PST

    •  I agree. (4+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      Sylv, viral, greengemini, chimene

      With respect, and with compassion, IW, it seems from your comments that you need a break.

      This all must be awful and stressful for you.  But right now, you can do nothing for Ben.  

      Talking to patient advocates, talking to doctors, even switching him to a different hospital somehow; none of this can be done tonight.  

      You are in a hideous situation.  Your fear is justified.  But you can't fix it right now.  And right now, you are driving yourself to distraction.

      I recommend turning to whatever relaxation or distraction techniques work for you.  Pet your animals, or take a bath, or listen to a relaxing piece of music... or put on something loud and shout along.  Watch a movie.  Go to Cute Overload or Cute Emergency.  It's not about what you do, but that you do something other than winding yourself up.  

      I'm not being critical, really, I'm not.  You have every right to be upset, and if you need another cry, go right ahead.  But please, even if just for the rest of this evening, make whatever you do about restoring and taking care of yourself.

      © cai Visit 350.org to join the fight against global warming.

      by cai on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 06:14:47 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

    •  No. SHe's mad at me for being insistent (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      chimene

      and outright aggressive with the PA till I actually got soemthing more than a gliub brush-off.  MiL thinks onemust be sweet (I keep thinking of Warren Jeffs) and she's angry at me and when she's pised as hell, she does passive aggressive  not talking (which explaisn why there are 9 divorces between her and her 2 daughters).

      Ben called me. I was crying, yes, semi-hysterically, and I told him I cannot deal withhis mother, that she provides transport--but my chocie is have her being disapproving the whole time (and if I hadb't been extremely aggressive we still owuldn't know half ofit).  If I go tomorrow--and he won't be dischareged  for days--I am taking a Valium before I leave the hosue--and I am NOT gonna try to sob silently. I am gonna flat out WAIL till she grasps the simple fact thse shetreats me like pariah for daring to have and show emotions.  I have spent the day crying and she is half the problerm--the other half being, in my opinion docrors who marginally incompetent. The PA had to fuind the clot in hids lung. DOes not raise my opinion one damned bit.

      The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

      by irishwitch on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 06:39:30 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •   (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    irishwitch, viral, chimene

    If I remember, MiL has been rather in denial over Ben's condition so being faced with the reality may have led to that silent trip home.

    Now is the time for you to recover from your distress at the visit. The valium was a start but sit down in a comfy chair with a blanket round you (has the temperature improved yet?); have a nice drink like camomile tea to help you relax and dragoon one of the cats for being stroked duties which should help bring down your blood pressure.  

    Take care.

    We will work, we will play, we will laugh, we will live. We will not waste one moment, nor sacrifice one bit of our freedom, because of fear.

    by Lib Dem FoP on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 05:38:12 PM PST

    •  If I din't have really sweet Maine Coon named (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      chimene

      Cleocatra, I'd start calling MiL "Celopatra, the Queen of Denial"" because tht's where she makes her home in a land with fluffy pink unicorns, and pixiedust and where nothign ever goes wrong and I am just the mean, bat-tempered  Yankee wife who makes no bones about her dislike fot the SOuth and her desire to get the hell out. Which sentiments Ben has expressed many times but just cheerfully iongores. IO am gonna tiurn onmindless TV.  And Annie will dome in and sit with me.

      The only tea I oculd use is only legal in CO, sadl;y.  Valium doesn't seem to do much. DOn't think I'll go tomorrow. He
      's pissed at me for crying and I am pissed at the dpoctors for such a major fuck-up.

      The last time we mixed religion and politics people got burned at the stake.

      by irishwitch on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 06:43:15 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  Oh, HUGS, irishwitch (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    irishwitch, chimene

    I don't know what to say, I am useless at this stuff, but I wish you and your husband all the best and hope you can dump the useless inlaws and keep your guy okay.

    Y'know?

    English usage is sometimes more than mere taste, judgment and education - sometimes it's sheer luck, like getting across the street. E. B. White

    by Youffraita on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 06:29:44 PM PST

  •  Sorry to read this, irishwitch (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    chimene

    I wish your town had a good bus system & they had checked for more clots earlier. :( Hugs. I hope things get better for both of you.

    Giving birth (giving life) should be a gift not an obligation or women and poor people are 2nd class by definition

    by julifolo on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 08:44:57 PM PST

  •  As has been pointed out on this site before, (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    chimene, denise b

    when one gets to the point of threatening legal action (credibly or not), you can rest assured every Internet thread on this subject will be archived for future reference by the other side.

    Moreover, the other side keeps records too. They just don't post them.

  •  ((((((((((irishwitch)))))))))))) (0+ / 0-)

    boy I wish I was close enough to help, but Oregon...

    "real" work : a job where you wash your hands BEFORE you use the bathroom...

    by chimene on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 09:38:26 PM PST

  •  Even in the best circumstances.... (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    chimene

    Doctors and hospitals lie like hell and deflect any attemps at accountability.  I've experienced both the good and the bad.  

    Frankly, for every two good doctors, I've had three bad ones.  

    What pisses me off the most is when you ask all the rght questions, they still fuck it up.  

    You can't take your eyes away for a second.  

    (That sound you are hearing is a paradigm being shifted at Warp Factor Infinity using no clutch.)

    by homogenius on Tue Jan 28, 2014 at 10:28:35 PM PST

  •  Is he in a high level of care (0+ / 0-)

    like a telemetry or ICU bed.  If not then demand that he placed there and if he is tell the PA that you need to see the Intensivist and only deal with him/her directly.

  •  (((((Hugs))))))) (0+ / 0-)

    Ga is a helluva place to be stuck and in this weather...it's worse.
    The DOT can't even get their crap straight!!!!
    I think you have done all you know to do.   Right now, patience is more than a virtue...Something I do not possess.

    We the People have to make a difference and the Change.....Just do it ! Be part of helping us build a veteran community online. United Veterans of America

    by Vetwife on Wed Jan 29, 2014 at 06:01:10 AM PST

  •  (((((((((((((Irishwitch and Ben))))))))))))))))))) (0+ / 0-)

    Your anger is completely justified, Hon.

    Yes, not doing an x-ray to find out if there were more clots is irresponsible, at the very least.

    I wish with all my heart that I was close enough to come and advocate for you and for Ben.

    Since the in hospital patient advocate in that hospital seems useless, perhaps going right to the Chief of Staff would be helpful ?

    Another thought on transportation : Is Ben's ex still in the SCA in the local area ? I know you said you guys had left the SCA to her for a year (at least that's what I remember, but stand to be corrected); have you had any contact with the SCA recently ? Perhaps an SCA person in the area might be willing to provide transportation ? Just a thought, discard as necessary.

    Much Love, Many Hugs, Strength and Peace,
                          Heather

    Torture is ALWAYS wrong, no matter who is inflicting it on whom.

    by Chacounne on Wed Jan 29, 2014 at 07:00:05 AM PST

  •  IrishWitch NEEDS local allies.... (0+ / 0-)

    Maybe a general "Call to Action" diary could help find some local people to help you out, I'm very concerned for you, have no way to help you at all, reaching out to the community is all I can think of to help.

    "Ronald Reagan is DEAD! His policies live on but we're doing something about THAT!"

    by leftykook on Wed Jan 29, 2014 at 07:34:02 AM PST

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