Full text of the Republican Response, MST3k styled below (you know with my ID I had to do this at least once)
What an honor it is for me to be with you after the President’s State of the Union.Because nothing is happening here, and I'm making damn sure of that!
Tonight we honor America – a nation that has witnessed the greatest rise of freedom and opportunity our world has ever seen.
A nation where we are not defined by our limits, but by our potential.
And a nation where a girl who worked at the McDonald’s Drive-Thru to help pay for college can be with you from the United States Capitol.
But the most important moments right now aren’t happening here.
They’re not in the Oval Office or in the House Chamber.Talking to you, who had insurance before Obamacare and can write me checks.
They’re in your homes.
Kissing your kids goodnight…
Figuring out how to pay the bills…
Getting ready for tomorrow’s doctor’s visit…
Waiting to hear from those you love serving in Afghanistan, or searching for that big job interview.Since the earliest days. But not the first day. Because the first day was all guns, baby.
After all, ‘We the People’ have been the foundation of America since her earliest days – people from all walks of life, and from all corners of the world – people who come to America because here, no challenge is too great and no dream too big.
That’s the genius of America.I'm here to make sure that we don't even try. Please, sit down, don't thank me.
Tonight the President made more promises that sound good, but won’t solve the problems actually facing Americans.
We want you to have a better life. The President wants that too.It empowers you to stay poor, but we won't meddle, unless..
But we part ways when it comes to how to make that happen.
So tonight I’d like to share a more hopeful, Republican vision…
One that empowers you, not the government…
It’s one that champions free markets – and trusts people to make their own decisions, not a government that decides for you.Because as we all know, corporations are people. So stop giving Kochie a hard time, she's already in the bathroom crying.
It helps working families rise above the limits of poverty and protects our most vulnerable.I don't have any specifics, but let me say "IT" is awesome.
And it’s one where Washington plays by the same rules that you do.
It’s a vision that is fair and offers the promise of a better future for every American.
If you had told me as a little girl that one-day I would put my hand on the Bible and be sworn in as the 200th woman to serve in the House of Representatives, I never would’ve thought it possible.Thankfully, no one in my household ever got sick, we didn't end up with crushing medical bills, and my anecdotal experience should apply to absolutely everyone!
I grew up working at my family’s orchard and fruit stand in Kettle Falls, a small town in Eastern Washington - getting up before dawn with my brother to pick apples.
My dad drove a school bus and my mom worked as a part-time bookkeeper.
They taught me to work hard, help others, and always, always dream for more.
So, when I showed my 4H animals at the county fair, my parents used to say to me, “Cathy, you need to save this money so you can go to college one day!”
So I did – I saved, I worked hard, and I became the first in my family to graduate from college.
The chance to go from my Washington to this one was unexpected.I didn't even really want the job, honestly..
I came to Congress to help empower people, not politicians;Because as you all know, politicians are lizardmen, not people.
To grow the working middle class, not the government;And anyone who works for the government, no matter what position should never be in the middle class! Ever! Take that all you IRS, DoD, Senate Staffers and janitorial staff.
And to ensure that everyone in this country can find a job.And there is a TON of dignity in a $7.25 job that refuses to give you medical care. It's the kind of dignity that could pay your electric bill, as long as you don't get sick.
Because a job is so much more than just a paycheck –
It gives us purpose, dignity, and the foundation to build a future.
I was single when I was elected – but it wasn’t long before I met Brian, a retired Navy commander, and now we have three beautiful children, one who was born just eight weeks ago.And I have the best medical care possible, because, you know, I'm not poor.
Like all parents, we have high hopes and dreams for our children, but we also know what it’s like to face challenges.HIDDEN MESSAGE: all of you who abort are going to hell.
Three days after we gave birth to our son, Cole, we got news no parent expects.
Cole was diagnosed with Down syndrome.
The doctors told us he could have endless complications, heart defects, even early Alzheimer’s.
They told us all the problems.
But when we looked at our son, we saw only possibilities.
We saw a gift from God.
Today we see a 6-year old boy who dances to Bruce Springsteen; who reads above grade level; and who is the best big brother in the world.And of course, are limits are never monetary, financial or medical, because we all know a woman making $7.25 an hour, single parent is completely equipped to deal with this situation, the same why I can, so no choice is necessary.
We see all the things he can do, not those he can’t.
Cole, and his sisters, Grace and Brynn, have only made me more determined to see the potential in every human life – that whether we are born with an extra twenty-first chromosome or without a dollar to our name – we are not defined by our limits, but by our potential.
Because our mission – not only as Republicans, but as Americans, is to once again to ensure that we are not bound by where we come from, but empowered by what we can become.Because, let's face it, it doesn't matter that you go to a crappy inner district public school we underfund and your job opportunities are limited by you having to care for a down syndrome child who wipes out your families savings, we know you can power your way to the best university possible, as long as we don't give you healthcare or any pay raises.
That is the gap Republicans are working to close.
It’s the gap we all face: between where you are and where you want to be.
The President talks a lot about income inequality.Darn it, how did we let any policies pass? We've been trying hard, but we can't block everything. But the stuff we did let get through, that's the problem.
But the real gap we face today is one of opportunity inequality…
And with this Administration’s policies, that gap has become far too wide.
We see this gap growing every single day.Wait, what, I thought all they had to do was save picking apples and it would all be OK? Wasn't that your anecdote above?
We see it in our neighbors who are struggling to find jobs…
A husband who’s now working just part-time…
A child who drops out of college because she can’t afford tuition…
Or parents who are outliving their life’s savings.
Last month, more Americans stopped looking for a job than found one. Too many people are falling further and further behind because, right now, the President’s policies are making people’s lives harder.When I say 'plans', it means something that we don't actually have right now, you know, in writing, but it's up here, somewhere.
Republicans have plans to close the gap…
Plans that focus on jobs first without more spending, government bailouts, and red tape…
Every day, we’re working to expand our economy, one manufacturing job, nursing degree and small business at a time.But for all our working at it, through all these legislative blockades, it's not working!
We have plans to improve our education and training systems so you have the choice to determine where your kids go to school…so college is affordable…and skills training is modernized.Again, I can't give you specifics, but you know, still 'plans'. We'll talk about it later.
And yes, it’s time to honor our history of legal immigration. We’re working on a step-by-step solution to immigration reform by first securing our borders and making sure America will always attract the best, brightest, and hardest working from around the world.No more of you lazy low wage earning south of the border types, but we'll take the MIT residents from the UK and India, that's for sure.
And with too many Americans living paycheck to paycheck, we have solutions to help you take home more of your pay – through lower taxes, cheaper energy costs, and affordable health care.Again, we can't tell you our plans, because they are secret.
Not long ago I got a letter from Bette in Spokane, who hoped the President’s health care law would save her money – but found out instead that her premiums were going up nearly $700 a month.I'll release info on how this happened later, just trust me. I read it on facebook.
No, we shouldn’t go back to the way things were, but this law is not working. Republicans believe health care choices should be yours, not the government’s.Emergency rooms can never turn you down. Just go there. What was wrong with that, really?
And that whether you’re a boy with Down syndrome or a woman with breast cancer … you can find coverage and a doctor who will treat you.
So we hope the President will join us in a year of real action – by empowering people – not making their lives harder with unprecedented spending, higher taxes, and fewer jobs.Again, we can't give you any details, but we're advancing them. One keystroke at a time.
As Republicans, we advance these plans every day because we believe in a government that trusts people and doesn’t limit where you finish because of where you started.
That is what we stand for – for an America that is every bit as compassionate as it is exceptional.Rebuilt sounds so much better than redefined. I like it, it's a good word choice.
If we’re successful…
Years from now our children will say that we rebuilt the American Dream.
We built a working middle class that could take in anyone, and a workforce that could take on the world.You wanna fight?
Whether you’re a girl in Kettle Falls or a boy from Brooklyn, our children should be able to say that we closed the gap.Because he did that. The things he actually got passed that's the stuff that's screwing you, we had nothing to do with any of that.. We'll try and stop everything we can, but you know..
Our plan is one that dreams big for everyone and turns its back on no one.
The President said many things tonight.
But now, we ask him to listen – to you – for the true state of the union lies in your heart and in your home.
Tomorrow, I’ll watch my son Cole get on the school bus; others will wait in the doctor’s office or interview for that first job.Lots of people in the doctors office. Because they have insurance. Damn insurance.
Some of us will celebrate new beginnings…Damnit Macklemore and those stupid weddings. I can't get that song out of my head now. And what was up with Madonna?
Others will face great challenges…The meeting tomorrow with the superpacs is going to suck, bad. How's this looking?
But all of us will wake up and do what is uniquely American…This sounds harmless and positive, right? How did this test on the dials?
We will look forward to the boundless potential that lies ahead.
We will give thanks to the brave men and women who have answered America’s call to freedom, like Sgt. Jacob Hess from Spokane, who recently gave his life to protect all of ours.See Mr. President! You give us someone who came home, I'm going to name check someone who died in that terrible war. Wait, oh yeah, our guy started that. Shit.
So, tonight, I simply offer a prayer…Go fuck off atheists.
A prayer for Sgt. Hess’s family, your family, and for our larger American family.Because we know exactly who ISN'T worthy. I'm looking at you.
That, with the guidance of God, we may prove worthy of His blessings of life … liberty … and the pursuit of happiness.
For when we embrace these gifts, we are each doing our part to form a more perfect union.How many times can I work in God often enough.. hidden code: see my fellow (R)s, it's like I'm performing an exorcism. It's awesome. Like the ones on Skype that are so trendy right now.
May God guide you and our President, and may God continue to bless the United States of America.