Here's our new jobs plan. We think it incorporates the essence of our ideology and should appeal to all Republicans, from Tea Partiers to establishment Republicans.
1. We Republicans will cut the federal workforce by 137,383. The savings will be used to pay down the national debt and reduce taxes on corporate and investment income. As a result, we estimate that Wall Street and major banks will save over $1 trillion and create 20 new jobs per year while large corporations should be able to create an additional 25-30 jobs. By shifting most of the remaining federal workforce to part-time, we estimate additional tax savings could create as many as 15 new jobs per year.
2. We will eliminate all restrictions on firearms sales and lower the minimum age for firearms purchases to 12, thereby increasing sales opportunities for gun dealers and creating approximately 15 new jobs. As these changes apply to border states, they should increase our proportion of gun sales to Mexican drug cartels from a paltry 70% to 90%, thereby creating opportunities for entrepreneurs. In addition, we will increase civilian access to all classes of weapons short of WMD’s, which will create some really good jobs for technicians who can train buyers in the uses of such weapons.
3. Scratch that exception for WMD’s. We have far more nuclear weapons than we need and no idea how safely to dispose of the outdated ones. We will auction off the outdated WMD’s to the highest bidder, thereby providing 12 new jobs to auctioneers and additional jobs for nuclear engineers to set up the weapons for purchasers.
4. We will turn all law enforcement and prison management over to private corporations, encouraging them more vigorously to prosecute suspected drug users, activists, aliens, unwanted loiterers, homeless, and nosepickers. Unencumbered by constitutional constraints that apply to governments, they should be able to add an additional 500,000 prisoners per year, thereby vastly increasing profits and employment in the criminal injustice and prison industries.
5. We will sell water and waste treatment facilities to private corporations. These corporations, unhindered by government safety and environmental constraints and by a need to keep prices down, will be able to increase profits and thereby increase jobs.
6. We will abolish all burdensome environmental and safety regulations and sell off all federal lands. This will eliminate approximately 113,000 federal workers, enabling further reductions in taxes, and will open federal lands to oil and gas exploration, adding at least 35 jobs. In the unlikely event that air and water become polluted and the global climate warms, we will solve the problem by holding air, water, and the sun in contempt of Congress.