I don't know about you, but I for one can't take much more of this...read no further if you are offended by words...
We are losing our collective cultural American movie heritage to a heinous gang of TV censors. I don’t know if it’s the motherfucking lawyers, the god damned son of a bitching FCC, or some other asshole persnickety sons of bitches in cahoots with the republican congressional delegation doing it, but I sure as shit wish it would fucking stop.
The fucking incident that sent me around the fucking bend happened last night. I have turned to DVDs in an effort to escape from the fucking cable television networks such as TNT and TBS and WGN, and also to get the fuck away from the papsmear shit that passes for entertainment these days on ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, and all the rest of those shitty fucking channels.
Anyway, here’s what the fuck happened. I rented one of the god damned greatest fucking movies of all time, “Taxi Driver,” from Netflix.com. There is a scene where the Taxi Driver goes to see an x-rated porno movie (buying a box of jujubes on the way in), and when he goes to sit down, the motherfuckers who made the DVD had blurred out the porno! This in a movie in which a passenger tells the Taxi Driver his wife is "fucking a nigger," and he is going to shoot his wife, first in the face, then in the pussy. Also, the Taxi Driver basically disembowels 3 pimps with a .44 magnum, and rescues a 12 year old prostitute from their clutches. And these fucking censors find a fucking problem with a fucking snippet of porno that lasts less than 2 fucking seconds? Does Mr. Scorsese know that his movie has been fucking butchered by these cretins?
But far worse is the damage being done by the aforementioned motherfuckers at the cable networks. In a lame and misguided attempt to avoid any kind of language or situation that might offend a 3-year-old, his simpering godforsaken christian lunatic parents, or some fucking religious nut in fucking rural Colorado, the classic American golf movie “Caddyshack” was hacked. In the scene where Rodney Dangerfield celebrates his fucking good fortune at winning a fucking golf match, he shouts to the dancing gallery, “Let’s all get laid!” But on the crappy fucking network I was watching, some dumbfuck sonofabitch changed it to “Let’s all go party!” A seemingly simple and innocuous change, I’ll grant, but it’s not even funny, and it diminishes the intent and effect of the movie in a subtle but substantial way.
Another example: the classic American comedy “Blazing Saddles” was on TBS the other night, and those stupid motherfuckers cut out the entire fart scene. You know the one I’m talking about, where all the cowboys are sitting around eating beans and then they start to fart and belch uncontrollably (More beans, Mr. Taggert? I think you’ve had enough!). Many would argue it is the funniest fucking scene in the whole god damned movie. Incidentally, this is a movie where the word “nigger” is used extensively, but the stupid fucks at TBS left THAT word in. You would think that if these chickenshit cocksuckers had any fucking integrity at all, the word “nigger” would be the first fucking thing to go. But, you’d be fucking wrong.
“Midnight Run” starring De Niro and Grodin: Variations of the word “fuck” appear in this movie in at least half the scenes, but watch it on fucking cable and you fucking won’t hear it not even fucking once. In its original form, it’s fucking hilarious, but after the god damned motherfucking censors get done with it, it fucking sucks.
“Jaws” directed by Spielberg: The main point of the movie is practically lost when the scene where Quint gets eaten by the shark is re-edited to soften the horror.
“Scarface” starring Pacino: The word “fuck” appears in this movie over 250 times, so I don’t know why the stupid fucking network executives bothered to put it the fuck on the crappy USA network after they made the 250 edits to “sanitize” it. Especially considering that the movie is basically a recruitment propaganda piece for fucking scumbag cocaine dealers and cold blooded murdering gangsters.
I could fucking go on for fucking ever, but you get the god damned point. I sure as shit don’t have anything against kids, hell, I babysit for my friends all the time, and I’ve got one of my own (that I know of…). I love taking the little bastards to Disneyland or the beach, and I wish I could share some of these great movies with them when they are old enough to appreciate them, but I’ll be god damned if I’ll ever fucking offer them the opportunity to watch any of these butchered movies on TV, or on fucking DVD for that matter if this trend continues. It’s a god damned tragedy, what’s happening to our shared American cultural movie heritage, and some motherfucker or other ought to fucking put a fucking stop to it, right the fuck now. Godammit.