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Anxiety attack in progress... What the hell do I need an intro for? WTF? I'm having a "bit" of an anxiety attack that is starting to grow and grow into something that I fear is going to be a BIGASS HAIRYSCAIRYBITCHY MONSTER FROM HELL. This is because my spouse decided to lay around in bed at the time that he knew the groceries were being delivered today, so that I would have to deal with the delivery guy face to face. A fucking stranger! Alone! And have to put away all of those fucking groceries! Also, my daughter is coming sometime soon, and I'm terrified of doing/saying the wrong thing and being depressing and boring for her, as well as not wanting to go out.

There is also what sounds like a leaf blower being used outside that I can hear, though all windows are shut, and it is driving me motherfucking INSANE. I cannot stand to hear those things. On and off. On and fucking off. If I could, I'd smash the fucking guy's head in with that goddamned thing! FUCK!

After all the groceries were put away, my laid off spouse came out of the bedroom, and went in and made himself some lunch. He then sat down in the living room and ate it.

I remain here in the corner of the couch shaking like a freezing chihuahua, and freaking out about my daughter coming over and being disappointed with me yet AGAIN.

I cannot, will not allow myself to cry in front of the spouse. I tend to want to shed tears when I have fear of disappointing my daughter, because I feel there is so much stress on me, and there will be 3 people in the apartment instead of 2. Too bad my spouse won't leave for a while.

Ah, there. I'm over it. Sort of. I think I need more generic seroquel. 100mg, making it 200mg this afternoon.j

It is so hard to explain how I feel in my head, in my heart, and how I feel physically when I am having such weird attacks. Luckily, this one's dying out pretty fast. I'm trying to do the slow deep breathing thing while typing, but it isn't easy.

I wanted to say, and I thought I posted it somewhere, that I'm such a tech 'tard that I don't even know how to reply to comments on posts, and could find no quick and easy answers anywhere. I feel fucking stupid. There are people that I want to thank for commenting, for bothering to give a damn to type a few words of encouragement, etc. There are people that I may want to stalk (follow). I don't know.

Oh Great Indian Spirit, if you're hanging out up there or out there somewhere, can you please let me be more tolerant of certain noises, certain spouses, and recommend a better therapist? Thanks in advance.

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Comment Preferences

  •  Peace (5+ / 0-)

    May the visit go well.

    "The Tea Party is, at it's core, essentially an intellectual movement." ~Michele Bachman

    by MsGrin on Fri Mar 28, 2014 at 01:53:02 PM PDT

  •  Hang in there, hon. (8+ / 0-)

    None of us will ever know what goes on inside others' heads - thankfully.  Your daughter doesn't approve of something about you?  That's HER problem.  You're doing the best you can.

    Best Scientist Ever Predicts Bacon Will Be Element 119 On The Periodic Table

    by dov12348 on Fri Mar 28, 2014 at 02:05:21 PM PDT

    •  That’s pretty much what I wanted to say, (4+ / 0-)

      but it can’t hurt to say it again: it’s her problem.  May not help much either – at least I’ve never had much luck getting my emotions to listen to my head! – but at least it says that someone’s listening.  Here’s hoping that it goes better than expected.

    •  re: hang in there (0+ / 0-)

      It's just that I became unable to take care of her and give her a normal life with a good home and a good social life, so she was partly raised by my sister. I did the best I could before I was afraid I would hurt her mentally, emotionally, socially, or physically. I was scared for her. I had a hard time in between then and now trying to stay connected because of how fucked up I was and the horrific guilt I still feel. They didn't understand it, and so all were hurt. She is still in a healing and understanding process and I'm glad she's taken an interest in psychology in college. I'm trying to heal and understand her too.

      "Nothing says 'I'm sorry' like a tuna casserole" ~ Unknown

      by francinefishpaw on Sat Mar 29, 2014 at 12:04:37 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  "Reply to this" creates replies to the (7+ / 0-)

    specific comment where you are clicking.

    "Post a Comment" at the top or bottom of a diary's Comments section is how you post a brand new thread within that topic, as opposed to replying to an existing one.

    My suggestion is "Tech challenged" is a good term to use if you are trying to describing having troubles with the website's essential functions.

    Good luck calming down inside.

    "So, please stay where you are. Don't move and don't panic. Don't take off your shoes! Jobs is on the way."

    by wader on Fri Mar 28, 2014 at 02:07:20 PM PDT

  •  May you find a few moments to shut your eyes, (4+ / 0-)

    breathe in slowly, hold, breathe out slowly. Repeat until you feel a little better. I am holding you, your spouse and daughter in healing, purifying light. May the light wash over you and create waves of calm.

    Your spouse's issues are your spouse's issues, may you find a way to not let them harm you.
    Your daughter's issues are your daughter's issues, may you find a way to not let them harm you.

    I hope the meeting can go well and you are calmer and more able to just breathe. I have anxiety attacks as well, not for some time, but anyhoo, take care of you. You cannot be there for others when you are in crisis. Like they say on the plane...put the oxygen mask on yourself before you can help others.
    Please take some time for yourself and update when you can, so I don't worry, I'm a Mom, I will worry.
    Peace and Blessings!

    “When you victim-blame, be aware that in all likelihood, at least one woman you know and love silently decides she cannot trust you.” ` Steph Guthrie

    by Penny GC on Fri Mar 28, 2014 at 03:33:14 PM PDT

    •  re: May you find a few moments to shut your eyes, (0+ / 0-)

      I managed to get everything done and take a bit more of a chill pill, so I could handle things better. My visit with my daughter went a little better than I expected. We watched a lot of videos she was in or liked of hiphop group dancing. I'm so damn proud of that girl/little woman.

      "Nothing says 'I'm sorry' like a tuna casserole" ~ Unknown

      by francinefishpaw on Sat Mar 29, 2014 at 12:12:22 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Thanks for the update! I am so happy you were able (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        francinefishpaw

        to enjoy some time with your daughter and she could show you how awesome she is with the hiphop dancing. I am sure she wishes for her Mom's approval no matter how old we get or how separated.
        Peace and Blessings!

        “When you victim-blame, be aware that in all likelihood, at least one woman you know and love silently decides she cannot trust you.” ` Steph Guthrie

        by Penny GC on Mon Mar 31, 2014 at 08:11:21 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  •  I'm not a MD but you sound just like a friend I (3+ / 0-)

    had who after a few trials and errors found the perfect Alice B. Toklas brownies or cookies, also known as medical marijuana. She doesn't need much. I believe she makes a single normal size cookie or brownie last 5 or 6 days. In Israel they even allow the patients to use Medical Marijuana on site as they adjust the dosage and type that is best for them.

     I have used it in the passed for many illnesses but mainly for migraines and to calm my nerves. I would suggest doing your own research by going to a MD. that is not bigoted against the evil weed.

     Best of luck to you.  

    "the government's role should be to uplift, enlighten, educate and ennoble the citizen, not oppress them with taxation and intrusive laws," Gatewood Galbraith, Historic Marijuana Advocate, aka "The Last Free Man In America," RIP 1-3-12

    by SmileySam on Fri Mar 28, 2014 at 04:03:25 PM PDT

    •  weed (0+ / 0-)

      I've been going to the same MD for 20 yrs and have mixed weed in there somewhere a few times with meds, but just for back pain. All it does is make me feel stupid and sleepy, no state to be in in the daytime.

      "Nothing says 'I'm sorry' like a tuna casserole" ~ Unknown

      by francinefishpaw on Sat Mar 29, 2014 at 12:14:54 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Again (0+ / 0-)

        as a bit of a expert w/ over 40 yrs exp. w/pot, I know there are different strains that act differently. Some one can use just a toke or 2 and be speedy and focused as never before. There are also the kind that will lock your butt to the sofa and whatever cartoon is on for hrs.

         Even Guptay from the MSM as finally done his own research and done a 100% turnabout w/ a few cyas.
        His latest mini-documentary covers a few very young kids in the 3 to 8 yr old range that he proves works as the only thing that has helped.

         I understand your hesitance but there are a couple hundred if not thousand well written books about which strain does what or is good for certain illnesses, all over the net.

        "the government's role should be to uplift, enlighten, educate and ennoble the citizen, not oppress them with taxation and intrusive laws," Gatewood Galbraith, Historic Marijuana Advocate, aka "The Last Free Man In America," RIP 1-3-12

        by SmileySam on Mon Mar 31, 2014 at 06:12:17 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  •  One day, or one hour, or one minute at a time. (2+ / 0-)

    What ever is needed. Hold on and hope.

    Rivers are horses and kayaks are their saddles

    by River Rover on Fri Mar 28, 2014 at 04:45:58 PM PDT

  •  Have a good cry (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    VPofKarma

    then find someting to make you laugh.

    You're safe and not alone.

  •  The shower is a great place to cry (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    francinefishpaw

    I've taken many a meltdown to the showers over the years.  One of the few places I can/could almost guarantee privacy.  
    I have a boom box in the bathroom and crank it up when I'm in the shower so no-one will hear me singing (or screaming).  Singing helps, as does getting clean.

    I hope you feel better soon!

    Reach out your hand if your cup be empty, If your cup is full may it be again

    by VPofKarma on Fri Mar 28, 2014 at 07:43:59 PM PDT

    •  re The shower is a great place to cry (0+ / 0-)

      OMG!!! That is where I used to hide and do the majority of my crying - the shower!!! Privacy, and you can wash them away with your favorite scented soap, while listening to the radio. Have to have a radio in the bathroom because "Bathing is a lonely business". :)

      "Nothing says 'I'm sorry' like a tuna casserole" ~ Unknown

      by francinefishpaw on Sat Mar 29, 2014 at 12:21:14 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  Thank you all! (0+ / 0-)

    thank you all. :)

    "Nothing says 'I'm sorry' like a tuna casserole" ~ Unknown

    by francinefishpaw on Sat Mar 29, 2014 at 12:25:57 PM PDT

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