Anxiety attack in progress... What the hell do I need an intro for? WTF? I'm having a "bit" of an anxiety attack that is starting to grow and grow into something that I fear is going to be a BIGASS HAIRYSCAIRYBITCHY MONSTER FROM HELL. This is because my spouse decided to lay around in bed at the time that he knew the groceries were being delivered today, so that I would have to deal with the delivery guy face to face. A fucking stranger! Alone! And have to put away all of those fucking groceries! Also, my daughter is coming sometime soon, and I'm terrified of doing/saying the wrong thing and being depressing and boring for her, as well as not wanting to go out.
There is also what sounds like a leaf blower being used outside that I can hear, though all windows are shut, and it is driving me motherfucking INSANE. I cannot stand to hear those things. On and off. On and fucking off. If I could, I'd smash the fucking guy's head in with that goddamned thing! FUCK!
After all the groceries were put away, my laid off spouse came out of the bedroom, and went in and made himself some lunch. He then sat down in the living room and ate it.
I remain here in the corner of the couch shaking like a freezing chihuahua, and freaking out about my daughter coming over and being disappointed with me yet AGAIN.
I cannot, will not allow myself to cry in front of the spouse. I tend to want to shed tears when I have fear of disappointing my daughter, because I feel there is so much stress on me, and there will be 3 people in the apartment instead of 2. Too bad my spouse won't leave for a while.
Ah, there. I'm over it. Sort of. I think I need more generic seroquel. 100mg, making it 200mg this afternoon.j
It is so hard to explain how I feel in my head, in my heart, and how I feel physically when I am having such weird attacks. Luckily, this one's dying out pretty fast. I'm trying to do the slow deep breathing thing while typing, but it isn't easy.
I wanted to say, and I thought I posted it somewhere, that I'm such a tech 'tard that I don't even know how to reply to comments on posts, and could find no quick and easy answers anywhere. I feel fucking stupid. There are people that I want to thank for commenting, for bothering to give a damn to type a few words of encouragement, etc. There are people that I may want to stalk (follow). I don't know.
Oh Great Indian Spirit, if you're hanging out up there or out there somewhere, can you please let me be more tolerant of certain noises, certain spouses, and recommend a better therapist? Thanks in advance.