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UPDATE: I AM NOT GOING TO HARM MYSELF. I just wanted to write so that I can process how I feel. I don't want anyone to worry, so please don't.

The weather has been beautiful. Revitalizing, even, if not for me.

Seems to be working for everyone else.

I can't shake the demons. They are clawing at my soul, threatening to take away everything.

I'm on my couch chain-smoking and drinking. Beautiful day outside. Beautiful. But this beauty belongs to someone, everyone else. Not me.

This is not for me.

March has always been my worst month and goddamn, March 2014 was a fucking doozy. Not sure if I'm recovering from the aftershock of all of it or if I'm just down here forever. I don't feel like I'm going to be happy ever again.

And I don't know why.

I spent the weekend with my niece and three nephews. They're great kids. They make me happy. I don't know why they love me so much. I don't think I've done anything extraordinary for them. I suppose it's innate: we love our family. Of course we love our family. Where would we be without them?

Perhaps it's right here. I have only part of my family. Two of my siblings are gone. One in literal prison and one in a self-imposed, meth-fueled figurative one. My baby bro is lost inside his own head. Much like me, I guess. This is the curse of coming from a broken home, probably. We laugh, we live, we love, we lose.

We lose.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to get fired within a few days. I wish I cared. This isn't me. I'm a hard worker. I'm diligent and awesome at what I do.

But I don't care.

I miss being with the kids. They make me happy. They make me want to live.

But they also make me look forward to being alone. Kids are exhausting.

Then I'm alone and fuck me, I am completely alone.

I don't want to be alone.

I don't want to get fired.

I don't want to wither away amongst an overfilled ashtray and empty beer cans and wine bottles. I don't want to be me.

I want to be anyone else right now. I want to be okay.

I am not okay.

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Comment Preferences

  •  Hon, please call a counselor, Now. (16+ / 0-)

    You sound very, very depressed.  Please pick up the phone right now and call someone who can help you.

    (((((BoiseBlue)))))

    "You are not even aware of what is possible. The extent of their capabilities is horrifying."Edward Snowden -6.62, -6.92

    by CanyonWren on Tue Apr 08, 2014 at 07:43:22 AM PDT

    •  I'm trying (13+ / 0-)

      Unfortunately I have very few resources.

      P.S. I am not a crackpot.

      by BoiseBlue on Tue Apr 08, 2014 at 07:44:50 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Call ThinkingFella (15+ / 0-)

        I just sent him a message--I care about you, and I want to know you are okay, so please pick up the phone and call a counselor--any counselor--even if you have to find one in the phone book….

        Right now, ok?

        "You are not even aware of what is possible. The extent of their capabilities is horrifying."Edward Snowden -6.62, -6.92

        by CanyonWren on Tue Apr 08, 2014 at 07:48:27 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

      •  You have a phone, internet, and a hospital nearby (3+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        BoiseBlue, sturunner, CanyonWren

        so please don't give me that (well, excuse me, but -- ) that nonsense.

        And by 'that nonsense' I mean 'that excuse for self-isolating while self-medicating with booze'.

        I'm not buying it.

        (Please note that there is a long comment below this in the thread, which I wrote before posting this testy-sounding one.)

        And now that I've started, I might as well get the rest of my testiness out of my system:

        I appreciate your update above, BB, in which you tell us that 'you are not going to harm yourself, you just wrote this to process . . . ..'

        Well, I'm all for 'process', BB.  I think it's a good thing, and useful, and that it can be productive.

        But did you really think that you could post such a raw-process piece of writing here as a diary without 'making people worry'?  (And by 'making people worry' I mean 'making people terrified for your well-being'?)

        You articulate the state (your current state of mind) quite well.  But I would suggest to you (she said with tightened lips) that your personal well-being would be better-served if you went to where some actual physical people are and spoke these same words with your mouth.  Where you are eye-to-eye with other people.  Where you have to see the impact of your words on others, where you have to listen and respond to others' reactions.

        Where, in short, the presence of other people will force you to experience your description of your current state as something that exists in the real, physical world, and that has effects on others.

        If you write these pieces as part of your own personal process (which I respect), there are at least three things you can do with them, if you are writing them as part of some work you are doing: (1) you can write them and keep them private; (2) you can write them as an adjunct to working with others such as a support group or therapist; (3) you can write them at a support-group website.  (there may be other possibilities, but those three suggested themselves.)

        Please spend some time thinking about what you expect and/or want to happen when you post such raw content here.  Posting such raw content here will of course result in people who care about you getting upset and scared, and those people will respond by doing whatever they feel they can (or feel they must) to save you.

        While you sit back and say 'I didn't want people to feel the natural human feelings, and take the natural humane actions, that would result from such a cri de coeur.'

        Which is another way of saying, 'I want my state of mind to be as unremarkable, and as ignored, by others as it is to me'.

        By saying 'this is only my personal process, don't react like normal human beings' you are able to continue to distance yourself from the reality you write about -- you area able to 'master' it and rid yourself of it by planting it in other peoples' hearts and minds, then walking away; let them carry the burden.

        If you want to do work on these issues here, I expect the community would support you in that.  But if you want to use this community as a receptacle for feelings you want to distance yourself from -- well, I can't speak for others, but I'd find that unsupportable.

        And have you considered the strong possibility that such raw content, posted here, could very well be a 'trigger' for others?  Consider that, please.

        I would suggest that, if you choose to continue to post your 'personal process' here as a way of articulating-while-disavowing it (rather than doing work), then your process diaries need both a disclaimer (ie Warning:  Don't care about this at all, it's just part of my process) and a Trigger Warning (ie: Trigger Caution:  Expression of profound depression and un-examined Dysfunctional Family issues below; proceed with caution).

        Okay, I'm done.

        PS -- again, not proofread; pls excuse typos

        •  Thanks for reading this, BB (2+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          sturunner, CanyonWren
        •  Well, pardon my testiness too, then (4+ / 0-)

          I have nowhere to go. No one to talk to. I have nothing. I am the fucking rock. The one who holds everyone else together, the one who keeps everyone sturdy.

          Do you have any idea what happens when I fall apart? I'm just the first domino to fall, and it causes all the others to do the same.

          I am expected to stay strong. I am expected to hold everything together. And I FUCKING DO THAT.

          All day, every day.

          I can't talk to anyone about this because if I do it's taken as a sign that everyone else can fall down, too.

          And I don't want to start that chain reaction.

          So, fine, people here can worry about my well-being when I just want to vent and release all of this. I HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO GO.

          Just once I'd like to express my feelings without getting this self-righteous anger in return. "Oh, we're so worried about you that you need to act okay so that we're okay."

          If this community can't handle me expressing my feelings then I just won't do it here anymore.

          Jesus, this was my attempt to reach out. I am lost and scared and broken and I want someone to know that.

          That's all I fucking wanted. I don't need lectures, I am perfectly capable of seeing that I need help. But I also just need to vent and let this out. I have ZERO resources to take care of myself.

          So I'm hanging on my a very thin thread and just wanted to express how I feel.

          Yes, I'm testy, too. Sorry. My life is falling apart around me and all I get in response is some variation of "pull yourself together."

          I'll never speak of my mental illness here again. It's apparently more traumatic for the people reading about my loneliness and despair than it is for me to fucking live it.

          P.S. I am not a crackpot.

          by BoiseBlue on Tue Apr 08, 2014 at 11:58:42 AM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          •  I'm glad you reached out, BB. (4+ / 0-)

            Truly. Hope your day is a good one, and remember to send/post pics! :)

            "You are not even aware of what is possible. The extent of their capabilities is horrifying."Edward Snowden -6.62, -6.92

            by CanyonWren on Tue Apr 08, 2014 at 12:32:20 PM PDT

            [ Parent ]

          •  I'm so glad to have made you angry, BB. (3+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            CanyonWren, BoiseBlue, Oh Mary Oh

            Now there's progress!

            WTF?  Why is this bitch CroneWit saying this?  My reasons:

            By the early-to-mid 1980s the theoretical work on Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families had expanded to the point where some really helpful definitions of how people were shaped by their family's dysfunction had begun to appear.  One extremely useful definition is that of the four main roles that are handed out to children of DF's -- the Hero, the Mascot, the Scapegoat, and the Lost (Silenced) Child.  (Roles can be combined and/or switched around as needed to keep the basic 'family drama' going.)

            Each Role carries its own definition and is expressed by a set of self-identifying statements unique to that role. (These 'typical statements' were derived by a number of separate therapists, each working with his/her own client base and/or therapy groups, and were found to be remarkably similar among diverse, unrelated groups of people.  When these therapists began sharing their work they found that these typical statements could be used to define the four main, basic family Roles.)

            I would have taken you for a Lost Child, based on what you expressed in this diary and in your previous one about 'the kids'.  Well, Lost Child might be in there, in a mixed way, but what you expressed once you accessed your anger) is 100% Hero.  If you were to locate some of those 30-year-old books on Family Roles in the Dysfunctional Family, you'd find the Hero mindset expressed in statements exactly like these:

            I am the fucking rock. The one who holds everyone else together, the one who keeps everyone sturdy.

            Do you have any idea what happens when I fall apart? I'm just the first domino to fall, and it causes all the others to do the same.

            I am expected to stay strong. I am expected to hold everything together. And I FUCKING DO THAT.

            All day, every day.

            I can't talk to anyone about this because if I do it's taken as a sign that everyone else can fall down, too.

            That is 100% pure Hero.  (And, you will note, that it sounds completely different than the tone and content of this diary, and of the recent diary about 'the kids'.)

            I will continue to disagree with you when you say that you 'have no place (else) to go.  I suggested three places where such work can be done:  with a therapist, a real-world support group, or an online support group.  Hell, you can go to all three.

            When I last looked at this thread, it had 26 comments.  Nothing I saw in those ocmments, including my own comments, included anything like what you refer to here:

            Just once I'd like to express my feelings without getting this self-righteous anger in return. "Oh, we're so worried about you that you need to act okay so that we're okay."

            If this community can't handle me expressing my feelings then I just won't do it here anymore.

            [...]

            My life is falling apart around me and all I get in response is some variation of "pull yourself together."

            I've italicized some portions of that, the parts that are not reflected in anything said in those 26 comments that I'm familiar with.  What I saw in those comments was people offering you love and concern and trying (in their helplessness) to help you.

            It is part of the Hero's role -- or a necessary result of it, anyway -- to feel that the sanity and coherence of the whole world depends on his/her maintaining his/her impossible role as 'the fucking rock'.

            The first step in the Hero's survival comes when that Role crumbles -- as it must crumble, because it is a load that is too impossibly heavy for one individual to carry.

            Which is why I titled this comment 'I'm so glad to have made you angry'.  Because -especially for those carrying the Hero role -- getting angry is the first step in cracking the rock-facade imposed on the person by the Family of Origin.

            The second step is to correctly identify the source and target of that anger.  Here's a hint:  It ain't me (although I chose to trigger it), and it sure ain't the members of this community who bled through their fingers in this thread trying to communicate their caring and support to you.

            So I'll say again, in regard to your 'I have nowhere to go, no one to talk to':  I ain't buyin' it.  You have a phone, the Internet, and transportation -- and the ability to communicate very clearly.  As an old boss of mine used to say, years ago:  'Ain't nothin' stoppin' you but fear and air.'

            You have an opportunity her, I think, which you can use one of two ways:  You can choose to use this thread to reinforce the dismal and damaging Hero Role, and climb into the bottle to self-medicate to dull the pain.  (Not the best choice, imo.)  Or you can get in your car and go someplace where people will listen to you when you shout I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANY MORE and they will understand exactly what you mean and respect you for working to save your own life.

            You choose.  I know which choice I'll be rooting for, and I know what choice a lot of other people here will be rooting for, too.

            Best wishes.

        •  While I believe your comment was well intentioned (3+ / 0-)

          I do think it was a bit harsh, given the circumstances. This will be short, as I have to leave for a couple of hours, but succinctly: mental illness isn't quite logical, especially when in the depths of depression. You put a lot of qualifiers on BoiseBlue that she 'should' have done, but really didn't step back to look at the situation logically youself. Do you really think that someone in a pit of despair will take into account all that you said she should at that moment?

          It might not be convenient for some to read, and may trigger others, as you say, but for those going through it a willing ear or three does wonders for one's psyche. Further, if it's a trigger, then it's one's responsibility to click on out of the diary and go somewhere else.

          "You are not even aware of what is possible. The extent of their capabilities is horrifying."Edward Snowden -6.62, -6.92

          by CanyonWren on Tue Apr 08, 2014 at 01:46:27 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

  •  I don't really know (10+ / 0-)

    what to say to make this better, or even tolerable.

    Please know that there are people who care.

    If it is possible, think about going outside and sitting in the sun, or taking a walk.  

    If it is beautiful outside, take a moment to be in the beauty.  Don't just watch it from inside.

    This usually helps me.

    Many Hugs,
    SW

  •  I'm not okay either... (16+ / 0-)


    had my sixth counseling session yesterday and I had to take one of those little freaking pills in able to function at work. We all have shit to deal with, I'm going to make it through, and so are you. What I do when it all starts to be too much, is grab my camera and find a park or nature preserve and lose myself in nature. I hope that makes some sort of sense.

    No one knows what it's like, To be the bad man, To be the sad man, behind blue eyes....

    by blueyedace2 on Tue Apr 08, 2014 at 08:10:19 AM PDT

  •  There is no insult so profound as a lovely day (9+ / 0-)

    when one is depressed. I feel for ya- I've spent way too many days there myself. Still end up there more than I'd like.

    I can't help thinking that you might want to investigate an antidepressant. They don't have to be expensive- out of pocket, mine costs me about $10 a month. Makes a world of difference. In the past, I've been able to get scripts called in w/o an office visit.

    Umm... this may be a little radical, but do you know anyone who uses ketamine? There's an increasingly solid body of evidence for it's antidepressant effects, and it's just about instant- ya don't have to wait through the ramp-up time of going onto a standard AD.

    Let us know if there's anything we can do.

  •  BB, I don't know exactly what is going on (14+ / 0-)

    inside of you, and I just read your diary and your comments, and I am concerned about your welfare.  Because what I have experienced about you, from afar, from only these pages, is that you are a smart, thoughtful, caring human being who can write, who can impact other people's thoughts and positions on issues, who lives as bravely as you can in this world that is beset by so many hard things, along with that which is beautiful.  

    I don't want to intrude on you or on your process, and I am glad your gf is coming into your arms again home soon, but for all that it's worth, I value who you are, what you think, what you write, how you impact this little flat two dimensional universe we sometimes share.   We don't always agree on everything, but you are one of those whose name I look for, whose thoughts I value.  

    And in my rumpled former HR hat, I might suggest that you seek FMLA job protection for the next 12 weeks by getting a doctor's note that puts you out on protected sick leave while you sort things out - you won't be paid, but after the 12 weeks, you'll still have your job.

    Good luck.

    "Out of Many, One Nation." This is the great promise of these United States of America -9.75 -6.87

    by Uncle Moji on Tue Apr 08, 2014 at 08:13:13 AM PDT

  •  I've been there. (5+ / 0-)

    It sounds impossible now I know - but things change.

    Right now - maybe you should get some in-house care at a facility - just for a while.  Call 911 maybe.

    Best Scientist Ever Predicts Bacon Will Be Element 119 On The Periodic Table

    by dov12348 on Tue Apr 08, 2014 at 08:17:12 AM PDT

  •  Sending love... (9+ / 0-)

    Sorry, we are not better acquainted, but I hear your cry and feel your pain. Please know you are loved by many and feel free to kosmail me now or anytime for my number if you'd enjoy a conversation.

    "Lets show the rascals what Citizens United really means."

    by smiley7 on Tue Apr 08, 2014 at 08:18:07 AM PDT

  •  First of all.... (4+ / 0-)

    I think it's a positive sign that you're writing this to a community that loves and supports you.  Sometimes just being free to express your inner feelings can be healing, and I know you've had a pretty terrible March.

    Second, alcohol is a depressant and drinking so early in the day - if at all - is not going to help the situation and it only masks the pain briefly.  I say this not to be judgmental but because it's true.

    Make a pot of coffee, go outside and take a walk, get outside of yourself. And then make a plan to get your life back on track.  Sometimes when things go haywire everything looks bad and that's seldom the case.  Deal what you have to deal with one thing at a time and get a sense of control back.

    Hugs and peaceful thoughts....

    If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich." - John F. Kennedy

    by Dem Beans on Tue Apr 08, 2014 at 09:45:40 AM PDT

  •  A tough diary to respond to, BB, (8+ / 0-)

    but here's what I've got:

    When I was much younger (I'm pretty old now), I went through several phases of feeling the way you describe.  This was in the days before psych meds had developed, and when even support-groups were pretty much unheard of, and the psych community was still a couple of decades away from finding the most useful paradigm ever  (the Adult Child/Dysfunctional Family paradigm).

    Well, I kept finding ways to hang on during those periods, but Jesus did they suck.  So at some point, during the onset of one of these times, I sat myself down and asked myself:  What is this shit?

    And what I found out, after hard questioning, was:  No, I do not 'want to die' per se.  BUT the life I am living is killing me, or killing my soul, which is the same thing.

    So I found it useful to ask myself 'What about/in my life is killing me/draining my soul?'  And how can I let go of that, or at least change my relation to it, and how can I find/incorporate life-supporting ways-of-being into my life instead?

    A few observations I will offer on your recent life, as you've shared here in previous diaries:

    -- You recently looked death in the face, and survived.  This changes a person.  I went through a few almost-dying times in the first 2-3 years after the 1997 chemical injury, and here's something I remember:  For a few days after you realize that you have, indeed survived, and that you will, amazingly, continue to live, you (one) goes through a period of amazing bliss in realizing that your amazing body is doing such extraordinary things as continuing to breathe, that your feet and legs hold your weight and your hand and arms moves at your will.  Then that biochemistry fades and you realize, darkly, that yes, you are going to continue to live, but that your circumstances have not changed one whit; and the difficulty of continuing to live in the midst of everything that is wrong with your life makes 'life' into a 'life sentence'.  

    -- A short while ago, you wrote about 'the kids', and of how your siblings' failures in the game of life (you wrote about addiction, but not prison, iirc) is putting you in the terrible position of having to be responsible for helping the kids deal with their parent's dysfunction.  I remember commenting, suggesting that you look into support groups for family members of addicts (and I believe such groups also exist for families of prisoners).  I urge you to go to some meetings of these groups, even if all you do is sit and listen for your first few visits.  Other people are experiencing what you experience on these fronts, and I believe it will be freeing for you to hear and see such people speak.

    I am going to make a clumsy segue here to two concepts I learned (late 1970s, my late 20's) from Robert Jay Lifton's gem of a book, 'The Life of the Self'.  By the time of his writing that book, Lifton had already spent decades interviewing survivors -- of the concentration camps, of Hiroshima and Nagasaki -- and had turned his attentions to Vietnam vets.  He was finding patterns of thought and feeling in them, and his work was instrumental in the later development of the initial understanding of what we now call PTSD.  Two of his concepts have served me well, and I offer them here:  The concepts of Survivor Guilt and of Counterfeit Nurturance.  

    'Survivor Guilt' was expresed by the Veitnam vets as terrible feelings of regret, remorse, and deeply-felt guilt that they had survived when their buddies did not; it was often expressed as 'it should have been me that  died, not them'.

    'Counterfeit Nurturance' is tougher to describe, and frankly I've forgotten Lifton's definition of it.  But roughly put, it is the sense that those from whom one should be able to expect care and nurturance (for the vest, the US govt/military) had failed to provide this; that failure is felt both as a betrayal by the other but also as due to a failure of the self (because otherwise why would the other betray/abandon me?)  (My personal re-definition of that concept, as I experienced it in my own life, was 'That which I depend on to survive is killing me.')

    Both of these concepts (SG & CF) have since been found to play into the psychological 'shape' of Adult Survivors of Dysfunctional Families.

    Here are two ways that I see unidentified SG & CN playing out in your life, based on what you've written --

    You and your siblings were all raised in the same dysfunctional family.  You have survived -- they have not (at least as of this time).  (And by 'surviving' I mean you have accomplished a normal-enough life of being able to function as an adult.)   Being the survivor commonly comes along with a lot of unidentified grief and loss and anger -- and also, btw, by a great deal of scapegoating and under-cutting by all other members of the dysfunctional family.

    Counterfeit Nurturance (in my theory of it) begins to come into play when an infant is born into a dysfunctional family.  The members of the family are not capable of being emotionally present in a positive, nurturing way -- but are, however, very capable of being emotionally present in a toxic, damaging way.  (Therefore, my construction of CN as 'that which I depend on to survive is killing me (even if only by its absence).)  

    I think and believe that the expectation of positive nurturance is deeply hard-wired into our physical beings, not only at the infant level, but prior to that, in the primate hard-wiring of our brains.  At that deep level of our psyches, being un- or anti-nurtured by that family 'feels like' being a baby monkey which has been allowed to fall to the ground and lie there, crying helplessly for help that does not come.  The baby-monkey in us all feels that this abandonment is 'because' 'if nobody saves me, it must be because I  don't deserve to live'.

    Those of us from dysfunctional families (which, years ago, was determined to be 97% of everybody -- and I have yet to meet anybody from that other 3%) can 'fall into' a psychological (and, imo, biochemical) replication of that 'abandoned baby monkey' state when stress or ill health -- or even letting oneself become too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired (HALT).  The liberating effect of identifying this state is that such understanding comes with the knowledge that it is a 'state of mind' (quite literally) and as such can be changed.

    That's about all I have for right now.  And I am in no way contradicting those here who are urging you to 'seek help now!'.  (As a matter of fact, I agree with them.)  And i expect I'll be excoriated here for 'diagnosing' and/or 'prescribing'.  However, that is not my intent.  My intent in this is (1) to let you know that you are being heard and (2) suggest to you some instruments that have been helpful to me and may be helpful to you.

    Just a few more suggestions for you to consider:  RE: workplace -- is it possible for you to go to your employer and explain that your recent preformance has been affected by a combination of health problems and family pressures, and to ask for something like a medical leave or reduced hours/responsibilities so that you can recover your ability to perform?  (Don't answer here, just consider.)

    Make sure you are getting sufficient B vitamins -- go find a complete combination of all of the B-complex, including B-12, and preferably including a balanced blend of the nutrients needed to assimilate the B-complex.   Then take them til your pee turns bright yellow, at which point you can lower your intake of them until your pee is a 'normal' yellow.  (B vitamins are water-soluble (you can't overdose on them), and the bright yellow color is excess Bs being eliminated.  (I'll expand this suggestion to getting medically tested for other nutritional elements -- low levels of other nutrients, such as vitamin K, can produce a biochemistry that throws off mood and mental functioning.  It's possible that the dental surgery (and its following limitations on foods), and/or your episode of dehydration, has thrown off your body's nutrient balance.

    And please, please, please -- ditch the alcohol, now!  It is doing you no good whatsoever, and is actually doing you harm; on the physical level, it is acting as a depressant and depleting your body of the B vitamins, which are so vital to mood.  And (let's face it) alcohol addiction is just as damaging to a life as meth addiction -- and (imo) you are in no place to be using alcohol to self-medicate.

    Well, so that' another impossibly long comment from CroneWit.  Do with it as you will.  Please remember that a lot of people care and will support you if you let them.

    Best wishes.

    PS -- didn't proofread, please excuse typos

  •  okay--No, you're not okay right now.... (7+ / 0-)

    but that doesn't mean you won't ever be.

    BoiseBlue, I will not bore you with the 15 years of not being okay and not caring what I lost, and damn near dying more than once that I went through....but I did eventually come out the other side, and I believe you will too.

    I'm not going to sit here and try to sell you on how you're stronger than you know or what-the-fuck ever, that ain't it. The point is that you recognize that you're not okay and that you have the desire to change that.

    I shave my legs with Occam's razor~

    by triv33 on Tue Apr 08, 2014 at 10:16:45 AM PDT

  •  holding you close in light (4+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    triv33, CanyonWren, Leftcandid, Oh Mary Oh

     Don't know if prayers work  but I'm praying for you and for those in your life (online too) to help see you through this pain.

    We've never met so you may not believe that I, and many others here, do care about you, BB.  All too familiar with the pain you describe.  Keep breathing, keep trying to reach out, ok?  

    Comfort the afflicted. Afflict the comfortable.

    by FindingMyVoice on Tue Apr 08, 2014 at 02:38:04 PM PDT

  •  ((((((((BoiseBlue)))))))) (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Oh Mary Oh, churchylafemme, CroneWit

    Can't say I really know what you're going through.  I'm so sorry for what you are enduring; you didn't do anything to deserve it, it has nothing to do with your worth or punishment or anything like that.  It just Is.  

    Yet, in its Isness is a forge for your Self.  You are already getting through this, & will come all the way through it.  You are more powerful than your circumstances, even if you (legitimately) don't feel like that's true.  Say what you need to say; feel what you need to feel.  Expression is real & healing.

    I wish I had some obviously effective direct support options for you, but I don't, other than offering to be someone to talk to if you want.

    It's time to start letting sleeping dinosaurs lie, lest we join them in extinction by our consumption of them.

    by Leftcandid on Wed Apr 09, 2014 at 06:26:34 AM PDT

  •  Just finding this kiddo (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    churchylafemme

    Please send me a kosmail if there is anything ever I can do for you.

    Big hugs and we miss you in CUA.

    • Follow Connect! Unite! Act! for Kossack event info • Follow Native American Netroots for American Indian History and News

    by navajo on Wed Apr 09, 2014 at 07:24:51 AM PDT

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