It is with much gratitude for those who have supported me, as well as an appropriately-manufactured level of humility for the office I seek, that I officially announce my candidacy for the U.S. House of Representatives.
I have long wanted to grasp the levers of pow—I mean serve this great nation, and with Jim Gerlach (R) retiring in a conservative district, this is my shot.
Now, as a long-time progressive, this is going to require a dramatic shift in both my personal lifestyle and political positions. However, nothing worthwhile is easily gained – or so my grandpa, a staunch Republican, once told me. And so I am going to do what must be done to prepare for a truly wide-open election this November.
To make myself attractive to conservative voters and the GOP here in Pennsylvania, there are going be big changes in the Harris-Gershon household, which I've bullet pointed below:
- All florescent lights will revert back to their incandescent brethren, the compost bin/garden in the backyard will become a shooting range, and our children will now be instructed to leave the water running as they brush their teeth (and when they're showering, just for the hell of it).
- Babysitters will now receive below-minimum-wage payments rather than $12 per hour, we will shop exclusively at Walmart instead of Costco, and a moratorium on tipping for services of any kind will be instituted (lobbyists and prostitutes excluded).
- Pot smoking will cease immediately, to be replaced with copious amounts of bourbon.
- My daughter's poster of MLK will be replaced by a tasteful portrait of Condoleezza Rice, my son's Bert and Ernie stuffed animals will be switched out for appropriately masculine WWE stars, and both children will be required to commit key passages of Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead to memory (to be performed at secret fundraising dinners).
- NPR will no longer be allowed, except for Car Talk.
- I'm going to buy a lot of guns on the internet! And shoot them in my backyard!
To make this easy, I've adopted all of Ted Cruz's domestic positions. Just read his stuff. That's what I now believe.
But I'll summarize so my opponents can't claim I haven't taken any hard, principled positions which are good for America as an
So, in short ... I think corporations have feelings, global warming is silly, people with dark skin are scary (unless they entertain me on the screen), Obamacare is a communist plot, gay people are gross, and women make awesome babies.
As for foreign policy, I've learned it's really easy to be a Republican. Basically, you just advocate for bombing Muslim countries, reigniting cold wars and hacking the phones of world leaders. So, yeah, I believe those things. In fact, my new FP slogan is Drones, Not Diplomacy.
Oh, and because Israel is always such a big deal, I'm canceling my J Street membership and now officially support AIPAC, believe that the Palestinians aren't a people, and think Netanyahu is a really great guy.
Okay, so that's just the outline of my platform. I'll round it out soon when I hear back from all of my
Wish me luck!
David Harris-Gershon is author of the memoir What Do You Buy the Children of the Terrorist Who Tried to Kill Your Wife?, just out from Oneworld Publications.