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Last night, Stephen Colbert looked at our inability to take action on climate change.

Well, you know what they say. If you can't stop climate change, lay back and enjoy it. (They = Koch Brothers) But now, now that it's totally futile, let's stop arguing about divisive issues like carbon taxes, alternative energy, or walking. Instead, we must come together and do what Americans have always done. (Smother Things In Melted Cheese)

We must burn hydrocarbons for pleasure. And I believe this failure to find a solution could be the solution to all our other failures. .... Are you worried that money in politics is undermining democracy? Just do nothing, and soon there'll be no democracy left to undermine. (We'll Still Have American Idol!)

Are you and your loved one having relationship problems? Just do nothing, and the problems will go away, along with your relationship. (But The Herpes Is Forever) (audience laughter)

Video and full transcript below the fold.


Now Nation, I have spent the last week in a rage over the Obama administration's new 800-page national climate assessment that claims we're ruining the environment.  It made me so angry, I printed it five times.  Now originally, I dismissed it as just the last stop on Obama's apology tour.  First he begged forgiveness from every country on Earth, now he's begging forgiveness from Earth?  Come on.

But then I read the report, and I have to admit, it is so terrifying, that it left a carbon footprint in my pants.  Jim?

BARACK OBAMA (5/7/2014): Hundreds of scientists, experts, and businesses, not-for-profits, local communities, all contributed over the course of four years.  What they found was unequivocally that climate change is not some far off problem in the future.  It's happening now.

NEIL CAVUTO (5/6/2014): The White House issuing a dire report on climate change suggesting the extreme weather events that we've seen across the country are man-made.

SCOTT PELLEY (5/6/2014): A new study says that climate change is being felt today in all 50 states.

CHAD MYERS (5/6/2014): The Northeast gonna see more heat waves.

CHUCK TODD (5/6/2014): The Midwest would suffer more droughts, followed by flash flooding.

CHRIS JANSING (5/6/2014): Hurricanes in the Southeast, and wildfires out West.

CBS (5/6/2014): No region of the country will be spared.

No region spared.  The entire country will become an uninhabitable wasteland, not just Baltimore.  (audience laughter)  So, facing an existential crisis beyond anything humanity has ever known, what do we do?  Well that question brings us to tonight's Wørd: Fuck It.

Now folks, global warming is bad.  I have always believed that I have always said that.  But doing anything about it is — and I don't want to get too technical here — hard.  I'm afraid I might have to give something up.  (A Species Or Two)  And so that's why I wanted to pass the problem along to our grandchildren, along with saving Social Security and Mideast peace.  You have a lot of work to do, grandkids, get born already!  (Also, Grow Gills)

But in light of this new report, I could no longer sit idly by.  I had to take action, conserve energy, drive a Tesla.  I even started sorting my paper from my plastic, you know?  I never recycled before.  I mean, yes, is this sacrifice?  Sure.

But my only concern was, is this enough?  Well, on Monday, I got my answer.

SCOTT PELLEY (5/12/2014): Scientists warn that a large part of Antarctica is melting and cannot be stopped.

WILLIE GEIST (5/13/2014): The glaciers are on the verge of collapsing.

ABC NEWS (5/12/2014): 40 years of data show the glaciers are melting so fast, it is now unstoppable.

CBS (5/13/2014): Scientists say it is too late to do anything about the melting glaciers.

Fuck it!  (throws trash cans away)

(audience cheering and applause)

Unstoppable melting!  It's out of our hands now!  (And Into Our Basements)  I mean, what a relief!  I didn't think it would happen, but we finally ran the clock out on the possibility of my personal sacrifice making a difference!  (Think Globally, Act Selfishly)

And folks, I am not the only one spreading this message of hope.  (I.E. Abandon All)  So is Florida Senator Marco Rubio, who said this on Sunday.

SEN. MARCO RUBIO, R-FL (5/11/2014): I don't agree with the notion that some are putting out there, including scientists, that somehow there are actions we can take today that would actually have an impact on what's happening in our climate.
Yes, there are no actions we can take today.  An action on Sunday might have helped, or any day before that.  But now that's all water under the bridge.  (And Over The Bridge)  And tell 'em why, TV man.
CHARLIE ROSE (5/13/2014): The thaw could trigger rising sea levels by up to 12 feet over hundreds of years.  That is enough to put Miami Beach underwater.
OK, Miami.  If you like LeBron James playing basketball, you'll love him playing water polo.

(audience laughter)

So what now?  Well, you know what they say.  If you can't stop climate change, lay back and enjoy it.  (They = Koch Brothers)  But now, now that it's totally futile, let's stop arguing about divisive issues like carbon taxes, alternative energy, or walking.  Instead, we must come together and do what Americans have always done.  (Smother Things In Melted Cheese)

We must burn hydrocarbons for pleasure.  And I believe this failure to find a solution could be the solution to all our other failures.  Do we have bad schools?  (Oh, Yeah!)  Well, if we do nothing, eventually no one will know what they don't know.  (Fox News Off To A Good Start)  (audience laughter and applause)

Are you worried?  Are you worried that money in politics is undermining democracy?  Just do nothing, and soon there'll be no democracy left to undermine.  (We'll Still Have American Idol!)

Are you and your loved one having relationship problems?  Just do nothing, and the problems will go away, along with your relationship.  (But The Herpes Is Forever)  (audience laughter)

But folks, for the record, now I wanna be clear, I'm not saying we just fiddle while Rome burns.  I say we throw the fiddle on the fire too.  (Violins Never Solves Anything)  I mean, that fiddle is good kindling, which we will need to keep the fire going as the floodwaters rise.  (Fuck It)  And that's the Wørd.  We'll be right back.

He also noted that the Pope said he'd baptize a Martian, and how Amazon has basically patented photography.

Meanwhile, Jon covered the Jay-Z/Solange fight with Jessica Williams.  Lewis Black then had another Back in Black segment about living forever.

Stephen talked with actress Keri Russell, and Jon had on Blondie, which performed their classic "One Way or Another" exclusively for the web.

Originally posted to Electronic America: Progressives Film, music & Arts Group on Thu May 15, 2014 at 05:30 AM PDT.

Also republished by Daily Kos.

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