Skip to main content

With same-sex marriage bans being challenged, put on hold, or overturned altogether across the country (the latest being in Pennsylvania), divorce lawyers are gearing up for a surge of new clientele as heterosexual couples suddenly realize that the sanctity of their marriage has been diminished by "the Gay".

"We've been receiving a torrent of new calls from distraught couples," says I.M. Slyme of the law firm Dewey, Cheetem, and Howe.  "After years and years of feeling so safe and secure in the knowledge that marriage is exclusive to them and them along, I'm getting calls from new clients (mostly men) who are now just saying 'f--k it, I'm done'."

In Oregon, where another same-sex marriage ban was declared unconstitutional, receptionists at the law firm Townsend, Rainer, Williams, Davis, Hamilton, etc., etc., etc., have been processing new clients non-stop, and for some it has gotten personal.  One receptionist tearfully read a text that she received from her (soon to be former) husband.

My Dearest Love,

Now that the Gays can marry I'm leaving your skinny ass for your smokin'-hot sister with the tig-o-bitties.

      Yours Truly,
      BUBBA.

Meanwhile in Minnesota, where same-sex marriage has been legal since July of 2013, unsubstantiated rumors coming out of the mansion of Michelle Bachmann tell of husband Marcus being overheard lamenting to himself, "Why the hell am I still married to this crazy woman?"

All over the country Americans are gearing themselves for the end of life as they know it, as millions of godless homosexuals line up at courthouses to receive marriage licenses.  The Westboro Baptist Church has announced what they call a massive emergency recruiting drive (and what we call expeditious inbreeding) to bring in new members to picket funerals of Gays, soldiers, police, firefighters, old people, small children, and pets in an effort to spread their hatred.  In Washington the Republican controlled congress is working on legislation to ban Gays from marrying livestock, pets, cars, and appliances.  Because, you know, slippery slope.

Homeland security has placed the military on high alert because, "if we let the Gays marry, the terrorist will attack."  FEMA has warned residents of red states to prepare for an increase in tornados, floods, earthquakes, locusts, flies, frogs, and other manner of pestilence resulting from God's wrath towards America.  South Carolina trailer park resident Igot Noteath explains how he is preparing for the coming apocalypse.

That n---er in the White House, Obummer.  He gonna let the homuhsexuls marry, then he gonna come in and take away all our guns and bibles.  That's why I'm gathering the wife here -- Cousin' June -- and the 7 kids and puttin' 'em in the shelter.  Got ev'rythin I need down there.  Th' freeze dried turkey jerky I ordered from Glenn Beck.  A bunch of semi-automatics in case the gubment come snoopin' round.  Twenty cases of Mountain Dew, and a flat-screen TV tuned to FOX News so I can keep up on what's goin on in the great big beautiful world called Amuricuh.
Yes, dear citizens.  This is the new America, where soon everyone will be able to marry the person they love regardless of gender.  God help us all.

By now, dear reader, I hope you realize that what you've just read is merely my rather puerile attempt at satire, and that any similarity between the above and actual reality is purely coincidental, though for the FOX News crowd this is pretty much what passes.

EMAIL TO A FRIEND X
Your Email has been sent.
You must add at least one tag to this diary before publishing it.

Add keywords that describe this diary. Separate multiple keywords with commas.
Tagging tips - Search For Tags - Browse For Tags

?

More Tagging tips:

A tag is a way to search for this diary. If someone is searching for "Barack Obama," is this a diary they'd be trying to find?

Use a person's full name, without any title. Senator Obama may become President Obama, and Michelle Obama might run for office.

If your diary covers an election or elected official, use election tags, which are generally the state abbreviation followed by the office. CA-01 is the first district House seat. CA-Sen covers both senate races. NY-GOV covers the New York governor's race.

Tags do not compound: that is, "education reform" is a completely different tag from "education". A tag like "reform" alone is probably not meaningful.

Consider if one or more of these tags fits your diary: Civil Rights, Community, Congress, Culture, Economy, Education, Elections, Energy, Environment, Health Care, International, Labor, Law, Media, Meta, National Security, Science, Transportation, or White House. If your diary is specific to a state, consider adding the state (California, Texas, etc). Keep in mind, though, that there are many wonderful and important diaries that don't fit in any of these tags. Don't worry if yours doesn't.

You can add a private note to this diary when hotlisting it:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from your hotlist?
Are you sure you want to remove your recommendation? You can only recommend a diary once, so you will not be able to re-recommend it afterwards.
Rescue this diary, and add a note:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from Rescue?
Choose where to republish this diary. The diary will be added to the queue for that group. Publish it from the queue to make it appear.

You must be a member of a group to use this feature.

Add a quick update to your diary without changing the diary itself:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary?
(The diary will be removed from the site and returned to your drafts for further editing.)
(The diary will be removed.)
Are you sure you want to save these changes to the published diary?

Comment Preferences

Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

Click here for the mobile view of the site