But we'd prefer you didn't.
Can't parody.
Won't try.
Republicans have offered different theories as to why six days of early voting makes more sense than six weeks. Last week, state Rep. Paul Curtman (R-Pacific) told the Missourian that six weeks of early voting would give voters too much time to commit voter fraud. (Between 2000 and 2010, there were 13 credible cases of in-person voter impersonation nationwide.) State Sen. Brian Nieves (R-Washington) said that six weeks of early voting "invites and begs" voter fraud, because it's not uncommon for people to lie about their addresses, or to have people vote who are not registered. Mother Jones reached out to both Curtman and Nieves for information about documented voter fraud cases in Missouri, but did not receive a response.
At issue is whether to allow early voting in Missouri for six weeks (the number requested by public petition drive) or six days but-with-no-weekend-voting (the counter-proposal by state Republicans.) It is not clear why having more time to vote would "invite" more voter fraud. Does the frauder need those weeks to case out the polling place? Is there some scenario where the bad man who has planned all summer to kill his neighbor, put on his clothes and vote in his place says, "No good—I can't complete this operation in six days. If I had seven, maybe, but it'll take six days just to map out the layout of the heating ducts."
And all of this to combat a crime spree that, over the span of a decade, has proceeded at the breakneck pace of one, perhaps two, such crimes in the entire nation during any given year. I'm no statistician, but I'm fairly sure more people are beaten to death with Olive Garden breadsticks each year than have been committing voter fraud. You put a whole decade's worth of hardened voter-impersonating criminals in the same prison cell, you'd barely have enough to stage a Last Supper re-enactment. Darrell Issa leaks more government papers than that between breakfast and lunch.
Alternatively, we could suspect that the insistence that weekend voting not be allowed is of keen interest to Republicans because it would mean that no matter how long you extended early voting, people with weekday jobs would still find it hard to vote. But that would be rude, since we know the problem of widespread voter fraud is just this close to someday being a thing. Like poem-reciting tigers in congressional restrooms, just because you haven't seen any lately doesn't mean they're not there.