So let's turn to a lighter story — child refugees. (audience laughter) Nation, I come to you tonight with a heavy heart and a bloated liver. You see, I've been drinking a lot thinking about this wave of unaccompanied minors flooding into America, fleeing Honduras, Guatemala, and I believe El Diablo.
Sadly, folks, these kids continue to stream in over the border despite our clearly marked "You must be this tall to enter the country" sign.
(audience laughter)
This is a clear humanitarian crisis. I want to be clear about something here. I am a human. I'm not a monster. I care for these kids so... very... publicly. (audience laughter)
Yes, I believe in securing our borders, but some of my best friends are Guatemalan.
(audience laughter)
They're a small cheerful people. And I am not the only one wearing my heart on my TV sleeve.
BILL O'REILLY (7/2/2014): I feel bad, as I said, if I were in South or Central America, Mexico, I would try to get here. ... It's not the immigrants' fault.
REP. LOUIE GOHMERT (7/13/2014): I'm broken-hearted.
DR. DAVID SAMADI (7/13/2014): We're all... really feel bad for these kids.
LAURA INGRAHAM (6/19/2014): I've been in Central America many times. I have a Guatemalan daughter, now an American citizen. I speak Spanish. ... I mean, I love the Latin American people.
I too have a deep love for the Latin American people. I mean, these kids aren't just invading our country, they're invading... in here.
And with our hearts full of love for the Latin American people, it's clear what we must do.
LAURA INGRAHAM (7/2/2014): First thing you do is start deporting people, not by the hundreds, not by the dozens, by the thousands.
(shocked audience reaction)
It's... ah.... (audience cheering and applause)
It's a tough love. Or a very soft hate. But remember the old saying, if you love something, let it go. And if that doesn't work, send heavily armed troops to scare it away.
Now sure, last week, Obama deported 38 women and children back to San Pedro Sula, Honduras, "the city with the highest murder rate in the world".
It's a good start, don't get me wrong. But 38 people out of 5,200? I mean, at that rate, folks, we will not get these... we will not get these immigrants out of here until....
Wait a second, this calculator isn't in Spanish! It doesn't have the.... (audience cheering) The Spanish ones have that upside-down plus sign. (audience laughter)
And folks, even a troop surge cannot stop these kids, because they are surging at our troops.
MICHELLE KOSINSKI (7/14/2014): So many of these kids who approach the border, they're looking for border agents to turn themselves in, so they can start this now lengthy legal process of trying to stay in this country.
JONAH GOLDBERG (7/14/2014): These kids are turning themselves into the troops. That's like having more customer service reps at the border.
Yeah, it's like having customer service reps at the border, though if they're from Comcast, those kids might beg to be let go. (wild audience cheering and applause)
And I say, instead of us sending troops down there, we just do what you do when you run out of candy on Halloween. Let's turn off the lights and pretend America's not home. So the kids move on to the next house — Canada. (audience cheering and applause) I hope those kids like pennies and raisins.
But folks, the worst part of this crisis is where the Obama administration has decided to send some of these illegal children.
SEAN HANNITY (7/16/2014): A very disturbing report about how the federal government is actually spending millions of your hard earned tax dollars to house illegal immigrants at a Texas hotel.
STEVE DOOCY (7/17/2014): Plans to put illegals up inside a multimillion dollar resort hotel, and we're paying for it.
JON SCOTT (7/16/2014): The beautiful Palm Aire Resort and Hotel near McAllen, Texas, offering indoor and outdoor pools, wi-fi, cable, tennis courts, laundromats, snack bar, sauna, steam, fitness center.
7/17/2014:
ERIC SHAWN: It's got three pools, a tennis court, jacuzzi, wi-fi. Was that an appropriate proposal, do you think, to try and house some of these kids?
ERICK ERICKSON: Absolutely not!
Oh, I agree! Oh, let's all pay for Pablo's continental breakfast! I bet every night on the pillow, they leave a mint, a green card, and immigration papers folded into a swan.
(audience cheering and applause)
Just listen, just listen, this is going to shock you, this is going to shock you, just listen to these actual reviews from Trip Advisor.
(grossed out audience reaction)
That's right, they're even giving the kids pets! (audience laughter)
The bottom line, we love these kids. And the worst hotel in the world is still too good for them. 'Cause these innocent looking children are anything but.
JEANINE PIRRO (7/13/2014): I'm telling you, your safety is at risk, and you are in danger.
STEVE DOOCY (7/15/2014): They could be members of gangs, for all we know.
REP. LOUIE GOHMERT, R-TX (7/5/2014): We've got people coming from countries where there's a lot of crime. ... We know that we're getting more than we've ever gotten from countries where there is Islamic terrorism.
I think that means they're Islamic terrorists. I mean, think about it, it makes sense. Children take naps in these detention facilities. They're literally in sleeper cells. (audience laughter) And again, I want to point out, I'm not a monster. My heart goes out to these children. They're not all vicious killers. Some of them are merely filthy disease carriers.
LAURA INGRAHAM (6/19/2014): Right now, we're not sure of their health care status. You've already talked about TB and MRSA.
REP. LOUIE GOHMERT, R-TX (7/14/2014): We don't even know what all diseases they have.
DR. DAVID SAMADI (7/13/2014): Sexually transmitted disease, they're going to give it to everybody else.
SHANNON BREAM (7/8/2014): Georgia Republican Congressman Phil Gingrey ... is raising health concerns about the children as well. In a letter to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, he cites concerns about swine flu, Ebola virus, and tuberculosis.
Yes, actual doctor and Republican Congressman Phil Gingrey says these kids could be carrying Ebola. And yes, that virus has never appeared outside of Africa, but Gingrey may have caught it from an illegal already, because I believe one of the symptoms is baseless fear leaking out of your ass. (wild audience cheering and applause)
But thank God that patriots all over the country have taken to the streets to protest these rabid-plagued children being spread by Obama like festering stool samples across the Petri dish of America. And again, and again, I love them. (audience laughter)
One such patriot is Arizona Republican Congressional candidate and human stubble farm Adam Kwasman, who showed up with cameras to blockade buses of illegal children out of pure videotaped concern for their well-being.
7/16/2014:
BRAHM RESNICK: Republican Adam Kwasman was in Auricle this morning to protest the busing of migrants to the shelter.
ADAM KWASMAN: I was able to actually see some of the children in the buses, in the fear on their faces. This is not compassion.
BRAHM RESNICK: Just one problem, those weren't migrant children on the yellow school bus. They were YMCA campers from the Mirana school district.
BRAHM RESNICK: You know, that was a bus with YMCA kids.
ADAM KWASMAN: They were sad, too. OK, I apologize.
(hysterical audience laughter and applause)
Do not apologize! Do not apologize! Stand strong! I, for one, never trust campers. Think about it, they are sent to remote locations where they are trained to use deadly weapons so they can capture our flags. (audience laughter) Vigilance! We'll be right back.
Stephen then looked at how some right-wing anti-environmentalists are engaging in the new practice of
.