For those of you not in the know, Ken Ham runs a staggeringly successful apologetics ministry called "Answers In Genesis". This includes a state-funded creationist theme park, a creationist 'museum', and a creationist website. Each receives millions of visitors. Generally speaking, the primary purpose of all of these is to support the idea that the notion that a literal interpretation of the seven-day creation of existence approximately 6-8 thousand years ago is a reasonable thing to believe.
It occurred to me yesterday that Genesis, while its first few pages do detail the creation story, has far more to teach on a much wider variety of subjects than this. In this vein, I've taken the liberty of putting together a list of just a few of the many answers Genesis can provide us!
ON WEALTH DISTRIBUTION
If you have plenty of food while other people are starving and penniless, consider using that food to get a whole bunch of free slaves!
(Bonus points if you only had that food because you were given insider knowledge which you didn't bother to distribute)
ON ALCOHOL
If a father gets drunk and impregnates his two daughters, it's their fault!
ON HOSPITALITY
Proper etiquette is -very- important. If you are entertaining two strangers and every man in your city comes to gang-rape them, politely suggest that they consider gang-raping your teenage daughters instead.
ON TRAVEL
When traveling with a spouse in a foreign land, be careful! Most foreigners will want to murder you and commit your wife to a life of sex-slavery. To avoid this, instruct your wife to tell everyone that you are her brother, and sell her into a life of sex-slavery!
ON RAISING LIVESTOCK
In order to achieve that unique aesthetic textures in your animals, set wooden rods peeled and carved to the desired speckled/spotted texture in front of your animals while they copulate.
(Make sure that these are within their line of sight during the act itself! This technique is wholly useless unless the animals can see the rods!)
ON FATHERHOOD
Should you hear a voice telling you to ritualistically murder and burn your only child on a sacrificial altar, it is imperative that you follow these orders to the letter. You will be greatly rewarded!
(NOTE: Answers in Genesis does not condone child sacrifice. Remember, God stopped Abraham before he killed Isaac, and will almost certainly stop you too!)
ON FATHERHOOD #2
Should you drink a little too much alcohol, tear all your clothes off, pass out in an undignified heap, and be accidentally spotted by one of your sons in this condition, it is imperative that you curse him and all his descendants to a life-time of servitude and subjugation!
(SEE Proverbs 13:24- "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.")
ON SEXUAL EDUCATION
Occasionally, some women (through no fault of their own!) are incapable of bearing children. Do not worry, ladies, there is hope! You have a wide variety of options that will allow you to carry on your husband's legacy. For instance, try convincing your husband to impregnate your household slave-girl!
ON APOLOGIZING
All of us lose our temper sometimes! What's important is that we learn our lesson afterwards. Still, we can often hurt peoples' feelings with our outbursts. That's why it's important to apologize. Remember, there's nothing that an "I'm sorry" and an "I won't do it again" can't fix. If the survivors of your holocaust are still a little upset with you, consider giving them a thoughtful gift, like a handmade drawing of a rainbow!
ON ASTRONOMY
Many so-called "scientists" will tell you that our planet is one of eight in a solar system that is itself one of a hundred million in a galaxy that is itself one of millions and billions in an awesomely large, ever-expanding universe. This is foolishness. The earth is flat and the night sky is a water dome with lights in it.
ON CRIMINAL JUSTICE
Should a person commit fratricide, he is to be scolded most severely and granted invincibility.
ON CRIMINAL JUSTICE #2
It is completely ethical to punish a child for the crimes of his parents. Similarly, it is ethical to punish a child for the crimes of his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandparents.
ON MILITARY STRATAGEMS
Should your family seek vengeance against a group that they cannot defeat ordinarily, an excellent trick is to convince the men of the rival faction to chop off their foreskins and then attack while they are recovering.
ON CONTRACEPTION
The pull-out method is one of the most ineffective methods of birth control ever conceived of. If you discover that a man uses the pull-out method, kill him.
GENERAL GREAT TIP
If you want to get a sweet new nickname, randomly wrestle a complete stranger and don't let him out of your pin until he gives you a really cool one.