From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: July's in the Rearview Mirror Edition
"Congress is now getting ready to take a month off. From what?And one year ago...
"That lawsuit against the president is ridiculous. Unless they do the trial on Judge Judy, then I'm all for it."
---Jimmy Kimmel"Out of the 52,000 [refugee] children in federal custody, Uncle Sam is unfairly saddling Maine with a whopping eight of them. Eight! … Thankfully, Maine Governor Paul LePage caught wind of this plan and declared, 'We cannot become a state that encourages illegal immigration. We simply cannot afford it.' Folks, I never realized Maine was in such dire financial straits. They’re just one octomom away from bankruptcy."Leia, Han and Chewy
aka Boehner, Scalise and Cruz
(I love metaphors made out of Legos.)
"In Gaza the crisis continued. Over a thousand people have now been killed. There were multiple cease fires all week, none of which have held. One cease fire was so short it was technically only a 'cease f...' because fighting resumed before they could even finish the fucking word."
"You can tell this drought is getting really bad. Today at lunch, my waiter asked if I wanted a glass of water or a future for my children. I took the water."
"You know who Americans hate more than we hate Russia? More than we hate Russia we hate our own Congress. The latest CNN poll puts the Russia approval rating at 19 percent [and] Congress' approval rating at 14 percent. So we American citizens are basically in a cold war with the 202 area code."
"Some jackass vandalized the Lincoln Memorial. Who hates the Lincoln Memorial? Democrats love it because it honors the man who freed the slaves. And Republicans love it because it just sits there and does nothing. If it could cry and chain smoke, it would be John Boehner."Hey Pacific Timers! it's 4:20! Time to make that odd gurgling sound that I have no idea what it is but boy it seems to make you happy. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, August 1, 2014
Note: Whoever replaced my entrenched narrative with fresh perspective has 24 hours to switch it back or I'm calling the proper authorities.-
Days 'til Ken Burns' The Roosevelts: An Intimate History airs on PBS: 44
Days 'til the Zombie Run in McCleary, WA: 8
Increase in cases of melanoma since 1973: 200%
Amount spent on the treatment of skin cancer per year: $8 billion
(Source: Surgeon General's report)
Rank of North Dakota, New Hampshire and Montana among top beer-drinking states: #1, #2, #3
(Source: Beer Institute)
Number of lobster processing facilities in Maine, up from 5 in 2010: 12
(Source: The Portland Press Herald)
Year during which Vin Scully began broadcasting Dodgers games, which he'll continue doing next year at age 86: 1950
NEW! Michele Bachmann Departure Countdown-
Michele Bachmann and her googly eyes leave Congress in 155 days. And, golly, I'm gonna miss headlines like this: Bachmann Suggests Gov't Wants To Use Migrant Children For 'Medical Experimentation'. [Sigh]
Puppy Pic of the Day: If this is the new trend in headgear, count me in!
of Summer" 'til the dogs hijacked it.
CHEERS and JEERS to conflicting conclusions. The July numbers from the Bureau of Workin' Stiffs came out this morning: the Obama economy added 209,000 jobs and the unemployment rate stands at 6.2 percent:
CHEERS to the rules of the half-baked road. Yesterday, as chaos consumed the planet and Congress was on the verge of imploding, the merry elves in the House Oversight and Government Subcommittee on Government Operations (HOGS GO!) met to discuss the growing wave of pot legalization around the country and establish federal penalties for DUI'ing under the demon spell of marijuana. The meeting was considered a success when they all agreed that anyone caught driving while stoned should pay a hundred bucks for every ten miles per hour they're driving under the speed limit.
CHEERS to objects in mirror that are not closer than they appear. The Hubble telescope found a giant magnifying glass in space:
to eat you in peace."
[T]he galaxy is big enough to magnify an even more distant galaxy 10.7 billion light-years away, thanks to a phenomenon known as gravitational lensing. Through lensing, the gravitational field of a massive foreground object bends, warps and magnifies the light from more distant objects. This phenomenon can reveal extremely dim, faraway galaxies that astronomers otherwise wouldn't be able to see.The giant cosmic magnifying glass is one of those discoveries that thrills youngsters and frees them to dream of the exciting applications of it. Not so thrilled: ants on sidewalks.
on Sunday...in British!
On Bill Moyers & Company, John Lithgow drops by to talk about King Lear and its parallels to modern times. Sunday night John Oliver proves again on Last Week Tonight that you don’t want to get on John Oliver's bad side. (I send him fresh kippers every Tuesday.) And here's your Sunday morning lineup, which I post every week for reasons long since forgotten:
Meet the Press: They haven't posted a guest list yet, so I'm gonna say last week's test-pattern experiment improved ratings so much that they're going with it again.Happy viewing!
This Week:This Week: White House advisor Dan Pfeiffer; Centers for Disease Control Director Dr. Tom Frieden; Vin Scully on 65 years of baseball broadcasting; roundtable with Joaquin Castro, Devid Remnick, Greta Van Susteren and poster child for all that is wrong with humanity Bill Kristol.CNN's State of the Union: They haven't posted their guest list yet, either, but word on the street is that half of them will be holograms.Exclusive: Palpatine's recipe for
avocado dip---Sunday on CNN.
Face the Nation: Face the Nation: CBS News chief medical correspondent Dr. Jon LaPook on the Ebola outbreak; Valerie Jarrett and Michael Bloomberg on the US-Africa Leaders summit; Commissioner General for the United Nations Relief and Works Agency Pierre Krahenbuhl, who is helping Palestinians in the Gaza Strip; Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) on the CIA's Senate-computers hacking scandal; John
Dean on the 40th anniversary of Nixon's resignation.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Creamy McDreamy Marco Rubio rages about how intolerance of intolerance is intolerable, making him intolerant too, resulting in a rare Rubio smackdown of Rubio as Chris Wallace looks on in confusion; Rep Steve "70-pound Calves" King (R-IA) and Rep Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY) on the lawsuit against the president. roundtable with Michael Needham, Juan Williams, Kimberly Strassel and Ron Fournier.
Five years ago in C&J: August 1, 2009
JEERS to dashing through the heat and humidity in a one-sunroof open SUV. Don’t be surprised if you see Bill O'Reilly starting the war on the War on Christmas a little early this year. The economy "forced" stores like Sears and Kmart to officially launch their holiday shopping season this month. For the first time in his life, Santa's biggest problem isn't unruly children peeing in his lap...it's heatstroke.
And just one more…
CHEERS to the birth of a legend. And here we are in August, 2014. Israel-Gaza-Ukraine-Iraq-Syria-Afghanistan? Clusterfuck. Congress? Clusterfuck. Energy policy, immigration reform, infrastructure, personal income, retirement plans? Still a cluster-you-know-what. Well, I have something to snap us out of them clusterfuck blues. Thanks to wayback-machine technology, we take you to Sunday's date in 2006, when life was simple, cherub-faced children played stickball in the streets, and Daddy came home to find his slippers, pipe, newspaper and supper waiting for him as the aroma of jasmine wafted on the warm summer breeze. Oh, and this was at the top of the DKos charts:
Since I can't delete my account myself, my only recourse is to be as abrasive and disruptive as I can be UNTIL MY ACCOUNT GETS DELETED. As long as my account remains here, I do not feel comfortable leaving. Is it really such a tough request to delete my account so I can go? Just what kind of website lets you join up but won't let you leave? One that regards people as little more than statistics, that's what. How like the Democratic Party for Kos to view his site's members as little more than statistics.And, for a brief moment, unicorns romp once again in the Fields of Orange. And I swear I'm catching a whiff of jasmine.
DELETE MY FUCKING ACCOUNT, KOS.
Have a great weekend! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?