On Friday I confessed that you and I are guilty of war crimes relating to Torture: "WE tortured some folks." I added: "It’s important for us not to feel too sanctimonious in retrospect," since the people who carried out the torture for us "were working hard under enormous pressure and are real patriots."
Believe me, I wouldn't be confessing if there wasn't a crisis coming. The fact is, with the new CIA Torture Interrogation report coming out, I can be charged and convicted of war crimes - specifically, for failing to prosecute vast evidence of torture, and concealing photos, and obstruction of justice - unless we confess now.
So, in much the same way you didn't have to lift a finger or sacrifice anything to carry out the patriotic torture we did, your president is making our shared torture confession before the report becomes public.
You know the drill. We can't let this become an issue of whether I followed the Geneva and UN Torture Conventions -- which make investigating and prosecuting evidence of torture mandatory. That may sound nice, but I already have a peace prize. Prosecuting US torturers just isn't compatible with my bipartisan political vision or my "look forward, not back" motto for criminals in government. No one should be held accountable or punished, except whistleblowers like Manning, Kiriakou and Snowden who reveal classified information when reporting the crimes.
To be fair, I should explain why you're Human Shields now, and politely apologize. Our ally (and my buddy) Bibi Netanyahu has explained it very clearly: if you vote for killers and terrorists, you become a legitimate military target. That's why this past month we've helped kill nearly 2000 Palestinian women, children, and other "civilians" -- because since some of them voted for Hamas, an evil terrorist organization, those voters are thus responsible for the harmless unaimed fireworks symbolic hurled stones deadly rockets Hamas has used to kill 2 Israeli civilians. That's why we're helping to blow Palestinian neighborhoods, hospitals, schools and children to smithereens. According to Bibi and me, if you vote in a democracy and your leaders practice violence, you're no longer an innocent civilian.
So now that I've confessed, on your behalf, to the torture we've helped keep secret and cover up for more than a decade; and since I'm still helping to murder thousands of civilians without remorse; your relationship to me is much like the relationship of Palestinian voters to the Hamas leadership.
The good news is, unlike those folks I doubt you'll be targeted. For one thing, our enemies don't have drones or Hellfire missiles yet. (We're number one!) Then there's the beauty of my phrasing that torture is something WE did. These aren't Bush and Obama administration war crimes -- 100 million voters are responsible, including you! Someone would have to be crazy to attack so many targets. And we're a huge country, compared to an inescapable alley like Gaza.
Sure, if terror plots were a real problem in the US, you'd be safer if I was in chains testifying before the Hague. But terrorists don't want justice for Muslim torture victims anyway -- as my wise predecessor understood, they're just savages who hate America.
If you're "sanctimonious" enough to think that people who tortured -- or ordered torture or covered it up -- or their commanding officers -- should be prosecuted and jailed, then you shouldn't have voted for me.
But I'm confident you're all loyal fans, so I'll just say Thanks.
I knew you'd understand.