Here he isssssss! That Prince of Puns! The Messiah of Mania himself! Jesus!
Just flew in from heaven and, man, are my arms tired (Rimshot!).
Heaven's alright. But after a few hundred years those clouds can get lumpy. The last decent nights sleep I had, was in a tomb.
Yeah. You laugh, now.
Yes, it's true. God created Eve from Adam, then became angry. Thus saith the Lord unto Adam, "Go fuck yourself."
So, what's going on? I don't know. I've been in convalescence for 2,000 years. I hear there's a new Pope in Rome. I don't care who's Pope, myself, as long as they keep up the rent payment.
I don't know what went wrong. The Inquisition? Don't look at me. I was out of town.
Protestants? It wasn't already screwed up enough?!
I don't know. You start up a nice little grassroots religion, and the next thing you know, it's pulling in more mammon than the Mafia. I saw a guy on television promising something or another in my name and a T-shirt with my picture on it if people would send in a donation. Got news for you, Bub...I've got an accountant.
I've never cared for that crucifix thing, either. That one they have hanging all over the place? It wasn't my best side. Looks like something dreamed up by a drivers license photographer.
Homosexuality? Forget it; I don't care one way or the other. What the hell do I know from sex?
Just kiddin', Magda.
Are women the equal of men? I don't consider myself the equal of anything that can give birth. Sure, I can buy a ticket to the game, but after that, I'm nothing but drunk in the stands.
People kept wondering when I'd make a comeback. I was waiting on Cable. After watching it for a while, I waited until they perfected the mute button. Of course, I could mute it myself, but I remember what happened the last time I got showy.
Thank you!!!