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Growing concerns over broadcast air quality and noxious congressional emissions has spurred the EPA to fast-track a study of potential GOP candidates.

Officially known as the Democracy Opposition/Oppression Field Study (DOOFUS), wags have dubbed it “the search for alternative fools.”

A gradual rise in toxic, brain-cell-killing oral-radiation has suddenly spiked, reaching near-fatal concentrations in GOP congressional offices. As mid-term elections near, EPA officials, citing data from remote monitoring stations across the media spectrum, have expressed alarm at the consequences; a rapid thinning of the bozone layer, a naturally occurring atmospheric component which shields voters from cancer-causing infra-right radiations.

GOP staffers, cornered into confessing they engineered a ban on fact-based emissions, have divulged a scheme hatched by ALEC to recruit and run Tea Party candidates against GOP incumbents deemed “not conservative enough to lick David Koch's loafers.”

More below the shorn curls of Orphan Annie's hair:

Ideological tug-of-war in the GOP has teams of true-believers choosing between three ends of the rope. One end teems with one-percenters and corporate apologists, who want to privatize government services while simultaneously taking the Fed public. An IPO is expected to draw hordes of tire-kickers, pickers, and the odd collector of Americana. Actual investment in public sector, for-profit government is expected to be tepid, however.

An alternative scheme will purchase and then sell off the three branches, liquidating assets and eliminating the now-redundant safeguards of liberty secured by a rumored “Constitution.” These guarantees, “rights” as liberals sometimes imagine them, have already been “secured” by the corporate power center. Representatives of this corporate cabal have assured reporters that the well being and liberty of America's citizens (Editor's Note: amend to “consumers”) are of paramount importance.

One interested party has suggested the Hill would prosper as a living history museum, with interpreters in authentic period costume pretending to legislate. (No word yet on whether re-enactments of closed-door activities would be accessible to children...)

Another end of the rope is anchored by Tea Party wildcatters, eager to lead the search for alternative fools. Turnout at he third end of the rope, reserved for moderate Republicans, has been speculative. EPA monitoring stations have so-far failed to detect any...

One promising alternative fool was developed in Virginia. Ed Gillespie, GOP candidate for U.S. Senate, is trolling for the vote of every low-information voter in the Old Dominion. On several occasions, including a debate against Democratic incumbent Mark Warner, Gillespie has stated “This administration is slashing the Navy to pay for more Obamacare.” He added the cryptic, space-filling ambiguafier, “There's no two ways about it when looking at their budget.”

This whopper earned Gillespie the Tea Party-coveted “Pants on Fire” award from PolitiFact, and the even more prestigious “Coincidence Proves Causation” award from an unaccredited for-profit college now quietly sliding into Chapter 11.

For obfuscating the role Congress plays in funding both programs, and implying a cause-effect relationship where none exists, Gillespie tops the list of promising new alternative fools.

Another contender hails from Louisiana, and showed promising ineptitude early. Lenar Whitney, running for an open 6th District seat, sat down for an interview with David Wasserman, House Analyst for the nonpartisan Cook Report. (And thus not a member of the hostile “lamestream media,” it should be noted.)

Whitney had already drawn a line in the frack-sand, so to speak, confidently declaring global warming a “hoax.” Wasserman asked her to cite her sources. This plunged the 55-year old, oddly unfamiliar at her age with the concept of accountability, into full blown brain-freeze. Even more bizarrely, Whitney's aides declared the interview over and rushed her from the room.

For clumsily dodging accountability for her words and actions, in the manner of established idiots Steve King and Rand Paul, Whitney rushed away to second place on the list of promising alternative fools. (Word is she takes pride in being called the “Palin of the South.” Word is she also has no concept of irony.)

If Whitney's modus operandi takes a page from the playbooks of lamestream Tea Partiers like King and Paul, imitation is not a disqualifying attribute. Clearly, alternative fools do not have to be original thinkers. (If the proximity of “Tea Party” and “original” (and “thinker”) induce spasms of cognitive dissonance or oxymoronic flatulence, rest assured this will boost the Btu rating and volatility of said fool. Handling and storage of these commodities may require new materials' handling infrastructure though.)

This explains the rather predictable candidacy of Georgia's Jody Hice, who will step into Paul Broun's 10th District seat. (Broun himself achieved modest notoriety for characterizing the theory of evolution as “lies straight from the pit of hell.” We hope he's retiring only to pursue still greater insights into human endeavor.)

Hice promises an unoriginal continuation of muddle-headed, boilerplate, social-regression-equals-true-patriotism statements. Jesus, Hice believes, is his campaign manager. It's a shame, though, that Georgia's brimstone-slinging sociopath never took a few moments to read his manager's biography.

Hice fancies himself a preacher, a conceit as hard to swallow as declaring Boehner a man of integrity...or commending Paul Ryan for his addition skills.

In his book, “It's now or Never: A Call to Reclaim America,” Hice associates supporters of abortion rights with Hitler, and equates homosexuality with bestiality, all rather predictable and infantile broadsides from a copycat blowhard with nary a thought he hasn't lifted from southern fried volumes filled with hate speech. You listen to this alternative fool, and you can finish his sentences. Yawn...

But this, the modest public face of a megalomaniac, actually harms the utility and volatility of this peachy Georgian. Hice's platform is, critics declare, too modest a step into a Brave Fool World...

But a modest step into the limelight may just prove the most digestible change for change-averse Republicans in the Badger State. Enter Wisconsin State Senator Glenn Grothmann, now running in a primary to take the 6th District seat of retiring moderate (Look! There's one! Oooooh! Exotic!) Republican Tom Petri.

Grothmann's appeal may be that he is a known quantity, the best of the already-known-to-be-the-worst, having labored in well-earned ignominy as a regional advocate for ignorance-equals-virtue-and-principle. Years spent honing near-anonymous incompetence, he argues, pave his path to higher office. He has, if you simply invert logic and abandon reason, earned advancement...

Wisconsinites will recognize this as the path to higher office already trampled by highly unqualified empty suits named Scott Walker and Ron Johnson.

The Wisconsin Idiot may be the least innovative of the alternative fools, but his track record of conflationary conservababble, also known as 4n-cubed (Nebulous Neo-Con Neurotic Nonsense) means that low-information conservative voters (but I repeat myself) can abuse their ballots by checking the Grothmann box, a virtual no-brainer for pea-brained GOP dinosaurs inhabiting the wilds of east-central Wisconsin.

A sample of Grothmann-groaners:

“...unwanted pregnancies are the fault of mothers...many mothers lie about the circumstances of their pregnancies.”

This is a roiling cauldron of ambiguous implications, remarkable for what it assumes, obfuscates and ignores. There is also an overflow of patriarchal arrogance spewing from this disjointed, muddle-headed cankersore of an idea-bomb. No doubt self-righteous right-wing radio listeners hear this conservababble and nod in agreement, absolutely certain that something coherent was expressed. But seriously, Grothmann, what the fuck do you think you are saying?

Takes two to tango, Senator Pinhead. Why are you so eager to distract attention away from the male agents, to let them off the hook? See a therapist...

Here's another muddle-headed mouth-fart:

“This rush toward government reliance has lead to the well-documented destruction of the American nuclear family, which will have severe, negative consequences for the next generation.”

Wow. So many hinted conflations, so many misdirections and conspiracy-theory-happy delusions inhabit this pseudo-statement that Grothmann cannot conceive of the lunacy he manifests. He's loopy, a nutjob, a goofball, he is the one-man Insane Clown Posse, he's gulped down too many moldy fruit salads and now the spore-toxins have snipped his synapses.

If Grothmann himself is the product of an American nuclear family, his output is an argument for a return to a more traditional construct, the extended family. Maybe if a few grandparents, aunts and uncles had been around to mirror a more balanced worldview, he wouldn't have succumbed to such stunted and profoundly arrested social and moral development.

I've given up trying not to laugh when I ask a conservative to justify, much less explain, such Word Feud (Scrabble-board, for you old folks) juxtapositions as the ones that tumble from Grothmann's lips. The unthinking true-believers who defend him fall silent after sputtering fragments of disconnected talking points.

This says something about the power that a jumble of unexamined, conflated fears have to confound reason and poison the soul.

Grothmann's actions as state senator include sponsoring legislation to repeal the state's Equal Pay Enforcement Act, arguing in favor of a seven-day work week, and declaring Emily's List an “historically racist organization.” The stupid spurts from this man like water from a crumbling dam. Damn, he is goofy...

Although the EPA study is ongoing, agency officials already warn that prolonged exposure to GOP radiation in any form could hasten the rate of global norming. Asked to explain, one official declared, “If the new crop of GOP alternative fools is adopted, public expectation of effective government will plummet still further. Blatant stupidity, wholesale corporate apology and fundamentalist pathology will become the new normal.”

In related news, the CDC has warned that a vaccine to combat the outbreak of alternative fools is months away from clinical trials...

Originally posted to Heywaitaminute on Thu Aug 07, 2014 at 09:39 AM PDT.

Also republished by Badger State Progressive.

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