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Everyone is talking about Robin Williams today.  I have read many comments and I amazed that I can immediately pick out what type of people posted them.

- Fans mourning a great actor / comdian
- A-Hats trolling for a reaction
- Well meaning people who think it was a failing on his part (including his drug use)
- Well meaning people who say if only he had gotten help
- People who suffer from depression or love and understand someone who does

I will talk about each group below the fold.

Before reading further and few things.  Yes I suffer from depression.  I am on meds, and I receive therapy.  I don't feel like what I typed below.  I haven't felt like that in nearly 5 years.  

The end of this diary is pretty dark, at least to me.  I hope it sheds a little light into why a successful, happy person, with everything to live for could kill themselves.


I am happy that these people have found hope / joy / amusement in a great talent.  They are celebrating the passing of a giant in the entertainment industry.  I am glad the internet let's them sort through their thoughts and share their favorite moments

A-Hats trolling for a reaction

This people actually don't bother me one bit.  They are the white noise of the internet.  No different that then someon trolling Daily Kos.  I am not even convinced the majority of these people are right wing true believers.  I think they are just people who get off on provoking a reaction.


Well meaning people who think it was a failing on his part (including his drug use)

This cannot be said often enough - Suicide is not a failing any more than a person succumbing to cancer is a failing.  Succumb is the right word.  Overwhelmed is the right word.  Escape is the right word.  Fail is not.  Each day this event is pushed off is a victory.  Some days the victories is harder than others.  But one bad day is all it takes.

Calling it a failure minimizes the victories of each day to carry on.

Well meaning people who say if only he had gotten help

These are good people who are using this oppertunity to tell people there is help out there.  Repeating the matra that people love you.  That it is a selfish act. That help is a phone call away.  And in a subcategory, that his subtance abuse caused the depression.  Far more likely is the depression triggered the substance abuse.

People who suffer from depression or love and understand someone who does

People who have depression have a very hard time explaining it to others.  If you haven't already guessed, I suffer from depression.  When I am at my worst, I am not sad.  I wish I was sad.

I am nothing.


I don't feel sad or happy or excited or even bored.  


So empty that you want to do anything to snap you out of it.  


Your mind can't stop racing to find something to feel emotional about.  Anything to focus your mind.  Their are cliches that have been used ... slince while standing in the middle of Times Square ... Being in a hole ... Screaming and hearing nothing.  All shed some light into the feeling but none are true.

Planning out how to commit the act - even though you are sure you wouldn't do it - focuses your mind on something to do.  Something your emotions know is important.  Something that makes you feel just a little but alive.  And you feel better.  But once you have the plan in place you lose focus.  Your mind has nothing to do.


And you have a plan.

And you want to feel something.  Have any kind of success.  Anything ... and you have this plan.  And no one else sees the emptiness in you.  They don't because you have spent years prefecting hiding when you feel like this because hearing "Think Good Thoughts", "Get Help", "You are Loved", "Think of Those Left Behind", etc, etc, etc are just empty words.  They don't help.  They just remind you of the nothingness that has become your existance.  Often people would say the person seemed better than they have in a long time before the act.  That's because they have a plan.  They have made a decision.  They have a long ago lost focus back in their lives.  They feel better.

Then Nothing

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