From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Gentle Breeze Edition
"Honestly, we could have delved into all the terrible actual answers Rick Scott gave in the debate about his horrifying policies for Florida. But that's not nearly as fun as him missing four minutes of the debate because his opponent had a fan pointed at his balls."
---Jon Stewart
"Clearly, for Scott's campaign, last night blew. And if you turn the switch the other way, it sucked. … But why should Crist get to cool himself with a fan, but Scott isn’t allowed to control his temperature by laying on a chilled rock?"
---Stephen Colbert
"Ann Romney today said that she is done with the idea of her husband running for president but added, 'You never say never.' And you don’t have to, because voters already did."
---Seth Meyers
"In North Korea, dictator Kim Jong Un made his first public appearance in over a month. He's put on weight and he's carrying a cane. Kim Jong Un is a top hat and a monocle away from being a Batman villain."
---Jimmy Kimmel
"During an interview, Senator John McCain declared that the U.S. isn't winning the war against ISIS. Even ISIS said, 'Well not with that attitude.'”
---Jimmy Fallon
And five years ago:
"A group called the Conservative Bible Project is re-editing the Bible because they say it's too liberal. They say previous editions have a liberal bias. For example, when Jesus is washing the Apostles' feet, it sounds a little gay. So now he washes their truck."
---Bill Maher
It's Friday and gay-marriage bans have been overturned in 31 states. But who's counting? Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 17, 2014
Note: A reminder that electric fans are always welcome in the C&J kiddie pool. ---Mgt.
Note Update: Unplugged! Unplugged fans, you fools! ---Crispy Mgt.
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6 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Halloween:
14
Days 'til the
Bay Area Science Festival in San Francisco:
6
Expected increase in the number of insurance companies who will offer plans on ACA exchanges during the next enrollment period:
25%
(Source: Vox)
Drop in driving among Americans aged 16-34 between
2001 and 2009:
15%
Increase among the age group in mass transit usage,
biking and walking, respectively:
4%, 16%, 27%
(Source: Maryland Public Interest Research Group Foundation)
Rank of Grand Rapids, Tampa and Asheville on the list of best
beer towns in America:
#1, #2, #3
Rank of Portland, Maine:
#7
(Source:
USA Today via jadevol)
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Friday Michele Bachmann Departure Countdown
Michele Bachmann and her googly eyes leave Congress in 78 days. Plenty of time for her to continue waging her War on the Truth, like saying this week that “The Border Patrol doesn’t stop anyone from coming into the United States," even though the facts state that "border patrol manpower along the nation’s southern frontier is at an all-time modern high" and there was "a 412 percent increase in southwest border apprehensions from last year to this year." [Sigh] So not gonna miss her.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Lab…ball…leaf pile…zen achieved.
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CHEERS to a brief moment of calm. Running down the list of shitstorms this week, I see ebola panic, ISIS madness, stock market calamity, hurricanes, volcanoes, droughts, and Monsanto suing Brach's for using their genetically-modified candy corn seeds without permission. Well, it's the weekend, so here's some mildly-reassuring news to talk us down from the ledge:
Also: weekly jobless claims
have reached a 14-year low.
Economists say the troubles around the world aren’t enough to derail a U.S. economy that’s gaining strength from a stronger job market, falling fuel prices, lower mortgage rates and improvements in household finances and confidence.
“The U.S. economy is nicely insulated from most global events,” said Eric Lascelles, chief economist for RBC Global Asset Management. Mark Zandi, chief economist of Moody’s Analytics, is keeping his forecasts for U.S. growth at 2.2 percent for this year and 3.4 percent for 2015. He calls the plunge in stock prices a “garden-variety correction” for an inflated market, rather than evidence of a faltering economy. …
Europe’s struggles aren’t new. It’s been flailing for years. All the while, the U.S. economy has been steadily gaining momentum.
Yay. Let's drink.
P.S. More good news: Nigeria says the girls kidnapped by those Boko Haram weirdos will be released very soon. Yay. Let's exhale.
JEERS to pushing around the poor kid with one lung. I think Pope Francis just discovered what we in America call "getting teabagged." We take you to Vatican City, with a transcript of the moment when his attempt at modernizing the Catholic church just a teeny bit hit the brick wall of his own "Party of No"...
His kryptonite is the same as
Obama's: conservative idiots.
The Pope: Hey, maybe we should soften our stance on gays a little bit, huh guys? I mean, they're God's children too, right? Whaddya say?
Conservative Catholics: That's outrageous! Who do you think you are, some kind of individual chosen by us by secret ballot as some kind of successor to St. Peter with a hotline to God?
The Pope: Well, now that you mention it…
Conservative Catholics: Blasphemer! Blasphemer!
Another eerie similarity: their protest sign reads "Get A Brain Pantiff!"
CHEERS to girls with grenades. Seventeen years ago today, the Women In Military Service Memorial was dedicated:
A 1994 dollar coin commemorates
the Women in Military Service memorial
The history of women in the armed forces began more than 220 years ago with the women who served during the American Revolution and continues through the present day. The Women's Memorial honors all the women who have served courageously, selflessly and with dedication in times of conflict and in times of peace---women whose achievements have for too long been unrecognized or ignored.
Times of peace? Really? We have those?
JEERS to the Worst Headmaster in the World (as anyone who has seen his head will attest). A judge in Manhattan has ruled that Donald Trump is personally responsible for operating an institute of higher learning without a license, and that's just the beginning of his troubles. The ruling is the first in a $40 million lawsuit filed by New York AG Eric Schneiderman, who claims that Trump promised "to make [students] rich when instead they were steered into costly and mostly useless seminars." The first suspicion that Trump University was a sham operation? Mostly the being called Trump University part.
JEERS to the Big Dump. This week's Wall Street roller coaster ride reminds me that on Sunday's date 1987---on Saint Ronald Reagan's watch---stocks plunged 508 points amid panicky selling. They called it "Black Monday." The lowlights as they unfolded:
The plunge of Oct. 19, 1987 was
caused by a Reagan sneeze.
10:30 AM With 140 million shares traded, the Dow is down 101 points, to 2145.
11:45 AM A brief turnaround gives traders a flicker of hope as the Dow regains 95 points in a half-hour.
1 PM As rumors spread about a NYSE shutdown, the Dow plunges 100 points in the next hour.
2:15 PM With the Dow down 300 points, an investor outside the NYSE screams, "Down with Reagan! Down with MBAs! Down with yuppies!"
4 PM The NYSE closes. Chairman John Phelan says it was the closest thing to a "financial meltdown" that he had ever seen.
The percentage decline (22.6%) was actually worse than the crash of 1929. Thank god we learned our lesson and, through sensible legislation, never had to experience anything like
that again. Attaboy, Congress!
Woohoo!!!
CHEERS to home vegetation. Well, Maine has had its two weeks of fall...now it's straight on to winter, and that means spending a bit of the weekend in the boob-tube-cocoon. On HBO's
Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, Rep. Barbara Lee and Davids Milliband and Frum. New
DVD releases include
X-Men: Wolverine Goes to the Vet to Get the Snippy-Snip, the Spielberg Director's Collection, and a documentary on gangster Whitey Bulger. Sadly, no baseball this weekend, thanks to those darn San Francisco Giants who ruined all the fun by beating St. Louis last night to win the NL Pennant. (The World Series 'tween SF and Kansas City
starts Tuesday Tuesday TUESDAY!!!)
On Bill Moyers & Company, Pulitzer Prize-winning author Marilynne Robinson talks about her new book Lila. The 25th annual Simpsons Treehouse of Horror airs Sunday, after which HBO's Boardwalk Empire escalates the showdown between Nucky Thompson and Al Capone (but the cops will look the other way because, hey, they're just standing their ground). After that, John Oliver slices and dices another corrupt American institution on Last Week Tonight. And because you're a glutton for punishment, here's your Sunday morning lineup, this week with a check of the Male-Female ratio among hosts, guests and roundtable pundits:
Meet the Press: Chuck Todd is hosting some kind of "ebola summit," but he's not saying which qualified experts he's having on but I'm guessing we can rule out Alison Lundergan Grimes. Male-Female Ratio: ???
Best woman on weekend TV.
This Week: Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Dr. Anthony Fauci and Dallas County Judge Clay Jenkins on ebola; Archbishop of New York Cardinal Timothy Dolan on how gays are God's beloved children and THEY'RE GOING TO HELL; roundtable with idiots Bill Kristol and Mary Matalin, plus EMILY’s List president Stephanie Schriock and Tavis Smiley. Male-Female Ratio: 6 to 2
Face the Nation: Dr. Anthony Fauci, head of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, CBS News Chief Medical Correspondent Dr. Jon LaPook, American Hospityal Association president Richard Umbdenstock, AMA president Dr. Robert Wah, and Jean Ross co-president of National Nurses United; roundtable with Gerald Seib (WSJ), Susan Glasser (Politico) and Michael O'Hanlon (Brookings). Male-Female Ratio: 7 to 2
CNN's State of the Union: What a stroke of genius, CNN, for calling on Ted Cruz to reassure the nation with accurate and timely information on…ebola. Just brilliant! At least Dr. Anthony Fauci of the NIH will also be there to make frowny "He said what??!!" faces and try to correct the record. Male-Female Ratio: 1 to 2
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Dr. Anthony Fauci, House Committee on Energy and Commerce member Rep Tim Murphy (R-PA), and Director of the Center for Infectious Disease Research and Policy at the University of Minnesota Michael Osterholm on ebola; lessons on parroting party-line talking points with Reince Priebus and Debbie Wasserman-Schultz; roundtable with Juan Williams, Brit Hume and global cooling expert George Will. Male-Female Ratio: 7 to 1
Final tally: 21 menfolk and 7 womenfolk. Or as the beltway media calls it: perfectly balanced if you squint hard enough.
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Five years ago in C&J: October 17, 2009
I just thought the Pillsbury
doughboy had lost his hat.
JEERS to early departures. Yeesh---what a big ball 'o confusion yesterday when a silver flying saucer thingee took off (no one really knows how it got loose) from a tornado chaser/extraterrestrial seeker's home in Colorado and ascended to 15,000 feet and achieved speeds of 30 miles per hour---and everyone thought the guy's 6-year-old son was occupying the basket inside it. He was actually playing in his attic. So
everyone lived happily ever after. But I have something I wanna say to that family right here and now---publicly---and I want a straight answer with no bullshit:
Where can I get me one 'o them cool flying saucers???!!! (Get on it, Hammacher Schlemmer!)
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the conservative movement's walking, talking funhouse mirror. The Colbert Report debuted nine years ago today as the yang to The Daily Show's yin. While Jon Stewart is the rational observer horrified by the lunacy and hypocrisy of modern politics, Stephen Colbert (still a card-carrying Kossack in good standing---#134586) dons the leopard skin of the modern-day conservative and "feels the news" from the perspective of "a well-intentioned, poorly informed, high-status idiot.". He revealed his weapon of choice at the top of his first show---a soliloquy that remains the most concise description of how the conservative brain works:
"That brings us to tonight's Word: Truthiness.
Now I'm sure some of the 'word police'---the Wordinistas over at Webster's---are gonna say, 'Hey, that's not a word.' Well, anyone who knows me knows I'm no fan of dictionaries or reference books.
Colbert, posessed by Reagan's soul.
I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats and Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided between those who 'think' with their head, and those who 'know' with their heart. … Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you."
Colbert won two more Emmys this year, adding to his previous one plus his Grammy, his Peabody, his People's Choice Award and his official honorary title of "Arbiter of American Morality and Defender of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy." Sadly, Colbert announced this year that he had fulfilled his mission to "win television," and next year he'll fade into obscurity as host of a wee-hours cable access program currently known as
Late Show with David Letterman. That makes me sad. I mean, who will we have to laugh at then? Oh, yeah, right, duh---real conservatives, as always.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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