From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: "Boo!" Edition
"According to a new phone poll, 45 percent of Americans are concerned that they'll get ebola. The other 55 percent wouldn’t answer the phone because they thought that might be the way you get ebola."
---Michael Che on SNL
Sign seen recently by Kossack
foresterbob in Alpine, Texas.
"Ebola is still in the news. Today Kaci Hickox, the nurse who was kept in an isolation tent in New Jersey earlier this week, defied a quarantine order and went for a bike ride with her boyfriend. So it’s official---there is nothing that will get you out of a bike ride with your girlfriend."
---Seth Meyers
CNN reporter describing Texas governor candidate Greg Abbott: Abbott posted an ad on his Facebook page that shows a gun and a Bible and reads: "Two things every American should know how to use, neither of which are taught in schools."
Jon Stewart: And that's why Greg Abbott is opening his "Howdy Jesus Bang Bang Bible Academy." Because isn't it time your kids' teachers asked the question: what would Jesus shoot?
---The Daily Show
"A group of wine experts has actually come up with a list of the best wines to pair with Halloween candy. They say, 'White wine goes great with Skittles, red wine goes great with Twix, and...we're alcoholics, aren't we?'”
---Jimmy Fallon
"For Halloween, a woman in Vermont is handing out kale to trick-or-treaters. If you're in Vermont and you want to stop by, look for the house that's been set on fire."
---Conan O'Brien
And four years ago:
"In [the] Tea Party Coloring Book, kids will be able to color in pictures of the American flag with kid-friendly messages like: 'The Tea Party calls upon our representatives to limit the government's role in everyday life, and to support people and businesses, but not demand from, control or overtax the people or businesses.' Fun!!! Nothing brings joy to a child like a five-clause sentence."
---Stephen Colbert
The first snowfall of the year is predicted for Portland this weekend. Cue Sean Hannity and George Will in 3...2...1... "It's global cooling!" (Love 'em or hate 'em, at least they're punctual.) Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Boo.]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 31, 2014
Note: Vote!
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The chalk squeaks in 8 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the 2015 enrollment period for Obamacare starts:
15
Days 'til the
Downtown Pomona Chalk Art Festival in Caifornia:
8
Estimate number of prisoners in North Korea's Kilchu political prisoner camp, one of five camps that were recently expanded:
100,000
(Source: AP)
Rank of Iceland, Finland and Norway on the list of best nations in terms of gender equality:
#1, #2, #3
America's rank:
#20
(Source: World Economic Forum Gender Gap Index)
Percent of Americans who give two pieces of candy to each trick-or-treater:
50%
Percent of candy corn eaters who bite of the white tip first:
42.7%
(Source: CNN)
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NEW! Michele Bachmann Departure Countdown
Michele Bachmann and her googly eyes leave Congress in 64 days. This week Bachmann said that her goal after leaving office is to become the next Newt Gingrich. Her first steps include reading Grifting for Dummies, looking into moon colonization, and then eating everything in sight.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: A classic.
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CHEERS to POTUS in Vacationland. President Obama visited Portland last night to campaign for Democrat Mike Michaud, who will likely win the keys to the governor's mansion by a small but convincing margin next Tuesday. It was a rousing, if standard, stump speech, and it's always nice to know we're on the White House's radar. But the real star of the show was former Maine Senator George Mitchell, who at 81 is the closest thing we have to a living legend here (sorry, Stephen King, you're a close second). And now Mitchell is tasking his endorsement to the airwaves with this ad:
Not to be outdone, Teapublican Governor Paul LePage has secured the endorsement of the Maine Association of Chicken Littles. Members get a membership card and a free bumper sticker that reads, "I Panic Over Ebola…and I Vote!"
JEERS to our noble opposition. With midterms looming, here's a summary on where the Republican party currently stands on important issues. You'll find this handy when the subjects come up at home, at work, or on the internet:
Immigration reform "We love it! No, wait…I think we hate it now, right? Yeah---we hate it now."
Also this.
Voting rights: "As long as you lean right, we don’t mind you voting."
Big government: "Outside the bedroom and the vagina and ebola quarantine tents for healthy people, we're against it."
Obamacare: "It's a socialist takeover of one-sixth of our economy, we hate it, it stinks, and damn the Democrats to hell for making it succeed beyond anyone's wildest dreasms!"
The price of Gas: If it's high, it's Obama's fault. If it's low, it's just the natural ebb and flow of our complex global pricing structure based on multiple variables that we really have no control over, but it would definitely be cheaper under President Romney.
And Republicans say they're eager to put in the long hours and hard work necessary to make America 1890s-ish again…right after they get back to Washington from their three-month vacation.
That ain't a pumpkin, kid.
It's John Boehner's head.
CHEERS to Halloween. I read this week that participation in the holiday is going to be around 66% of We the People this year. And one thing I know that's scarier than any John Boehner or mad ebola nurse costume is the speed at which the rest of 2014 is going to fly (on, say, a broomstick) after today. Halloween is the foot that hits the gas. Blink and you'll miss Thanksgiving. Got your Christmas shopping done yet huh huh??!!! As for trick-or-treaters, here in Portland tonight the weather is going to be chilly but dry, and we're hoping for a decent turnout as the BiPM household readies itself for the annual pitter-patter of li'l ghoul and goblin feet on the porch. As we plop their special treat into their plastic pumpkins and bags, we'll offer our usual free advice: "When you've drained the little bottle, kids, don’t forget to swallow the little worm."
CHEERS and JEERS to monumental achievements. On this date in 1941, Mount Rushmore was deemed "complete" after 14 years of blasting and chiseling, but only because they'd run out of money. It's an eyesore and an insult to Native Americans, and it's more a testament to its creator's ego than anything else. Having said that, it's still quite a freakin' accomplishment and it sums up the #1 thing you need to be President of the United States: a gigantic head.
Yes, ALL clocks.
CHEERS to getting an extra hour of sleep. Daylight Saving Time ends at 2am Sunday. (Yes, you
must stay up 'til 2am to change your clocks or else DST won’t end properly and you'll have to destroy all your clocks and start over, according to the American Clock Sellers Association.) It's the usual routine: If you're a Democrat, turn your clocks back one hour. If you're a Republican, turn your clocks back 120 years.
Get a room, you two.
CHEERS to the USA's most incorrigible state. Happy birthday to Nevada (pronounced "nee-VAY-day" and get it right because they're very sensitive about it)---celebrating
150 years as the skirt-chasing, fun-loving black sheep of the American family today. The "Silver State" makes a boatload of money on gambling---most famously off of conservative blowhards
Bill Bennett and
John McCain---along with booze, prostitution and impulse marriages. At C&J we say, eh, live and let live. But the way your sister, California, spoons you all the time? That's just creepy.
"Flammable tap water in
Springfield? Excellent."
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CHEERS to home vegetation. If a poltergeist doesn't suck us into the TV first ("Come into the light, Billeh Ann!"), we'll get some boob-tubage in this weekend. Tonight on HBO's
Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Gen. Wesley Clark (did he fall off the map or what?), Eva Longoria, Kal Penn, Rula Jebreal and the "Mustache of Independence," Maine Senator Angus King. New
DVD releases include lots of horror goodness. Your
NFL schedule is here. (The Patriots will hog-tie the Broncos Ha Ha Ha!!!) Chris Rock hosts SNL, and I feel terrible that I have no memory of anything he did on the show when he was a cast member. Mr. Burns brings fracking to Springfield on
The Simpsons but ends up falling in love with Jane Fonda. (It's complicated.)
On Bill Moyers & Company: Bernie Sanders! Sunday night John Oliver slays another American institution in his quest to gut our country from within and allow Britain to rule us again (a move I'd welcome if they weren't such austerity freaks). And here's your Sunday morning lineup, now with C&J's EXCLUSIVE Trick or Treat Rating:
Meet the Press: Who knows? They haven't updated their web site, and I believe that should disqualify Chuck Todd from ever hosting a show again. Trick or Treat Rating: 2 packs of Wacky Wafers
Moyers and Sanders:
Together again!
This Week: Party chairs Reince Priebus and Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz prove that they can pack more vapidity in ten minutes than Honey Boo-Boo can in an hour; truly-awful roundtable with Donna Brazile, Matthew Dowd, Bill Kristol and Cokie Roberts; number-crunching with Nate Silver and Fusion’s Alicia Menendez. Trick or Treat Rating: A bag of Nuts
CNN's State of the Union: Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) continues fueling speculation about a presidential run, but Candy Crowley won’t be smart enough to ask him about the Kentucky law that says he can't run for both Senate and President at the same time; Former Reagan chief of staff James Baker is given the opportunity to fire point-blank at Obama without rebuttal; roundtable with Haley Barbour, Ed Rendell and spokesholes for the Dems and Repubs, neither of whom you've heard of. Trick or Treat Rating: A box of Runts
Face the Nation: Sens. Rand Paul (see my comment about him above---that'll apply to Bob Schieffer, too). Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN); CBS News Elections Director Anthony Salvanto and CBS News Congressional Correspondent Nancy Cordes on the elections; and an "all-star" roundtable that includes non-stars Peggy Noonan, Tavis Smiley, Mark Halperin Kim Strassel, and Jonathan Martin. Trick or Treat Rating: A variety pack of flapping gums
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Mitt Romney, whom the Republican base desperately wants to run for president again in 2016 right up until the moment he announces he's running again when they'll all desperately want Rick Santorum to run again; Sen. Ben Cardin (D-MD); Joe Trippi and Karl Rove on the midterms; roundtable with Brit Hume, Juan Williams, Megyn Kelly, George Will and Juan Williams. Trick or Treat Rating: A jumbo box of Goobers
Happy viewing!
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Five years ago in C&J: October 31, 2009
JEERS to motherf---ing snakes on a motherfu---ing mode of transportation that ain't a motherfu---ing plane. This being Halloween season and all, what could be more appropriate than a few unexpected willies:
Norwegian police had a bit of a surprise when they noticed something moving on the body of a 22-year-old man getting off a ferry. They found a tarantula in a bag during a routine stop and then in a strip search discovered 14 royal pythons and 10 albino leopard geckos taped to his body. ... According to Helge Breilid at Kristiansand customs the tip off was not hard to spot: "Customs officers quickly realized the man was smuggling animals, because his whole body was in constant motion."
She added: "Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!"
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the 2014 Winner of Halloween. And the grand prize (a plastic skull filled with candy corn) goes to…Baby Ruth Bader Ginsburg:
Better luck next year, everybody else in the universe.
Have an Ebola-free weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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