Before we begin, I'd like to remind you all of my longstanding belief that, of all the personalities that grace Fox News, network psychiatrist Dr. Keith Ablow is the by far the most likely to someday be arrested after a dozen or so mangled and decomposing bodies are discovered buried underneath his house. I have no particular psychological expertise, mind you, but if you were seeking to place bets on which Fox News personalities were the likeliest to someday be unmasked as prolific serial killers I would put all but $10 on Dr. Keith Ablow. The remaining ten I'd put on that guy who is not Steve Doocy.
I mention this all because Dr. Keith Ablow is out with a new Fox News Opinion column that is a little bit Third Reich, a little bit ISIS, and a whole lot of Oh My God This Guy Actually Got Licensed As An Actual Psychiatrist. It will be used in the upcoming trial as evidence of sociopathy, or if Fox News comes to someday rule us all it will be framed as the guiding document—nay, the Declaration of Independence—for the pseudo-Christian, obsessively nationalistic party called the American Taliban.
Among the many definitions of jihad are a "war or struggle against unbelievers" and "a crusade for a principle or belief." Given those definitions, I believe it's time for an American jihad.
Jihad is a very loaded term, which as a theoretical professional Ablow probably understands. No matter, because
jihad is exactly what he means. We need to conquer every other nation and convert them to our
sacred document.
An American jihad would reawaken in American citizens the certain knowledge that our Constitution is a sacred document that better defines and preserves the liberty and autonomy of human beings than the charter of any other nation on earth.
The Constitution, along with the miracle of our nation's founding and the providential history of America fighting and winning war after war against oppressive regimes, proves our manifest destiny not only to preserve our borders and safety and national character at home, but to spread around the world our love of individual freedom and insist on its reflection in every government.
Manifest destiny isn't going to be the last of the loaded words, either. It will start with compulsive nationalism, and end only when the bastards in every other nation, whether it be France or Israel or Norway, recognize our preordained, manifest national superiority.
How will this be accomplished? Dr. Keith begins, below the fold.
We would begin at home, as every great world movement does. We would not only allow, but teach, Americans — including American children — to internalize and project their justifiable feelings of pride in our democracy as superior to all other forms of government. In grade schools we would teach the truth that the founding of our nation and its survival in the face of communism and fascism weren’t just good luck or good planning, but preordained by our commitment to the truth about the essential nature of man. And we would embrace the certain knowledge that history will eventually spread our values all over the globe.
We will tie American foreign aid money towards other nation's willingness to convert to the "fundamental structures" of our own nation, and fund pro-democracy movements. None of that will come cheap, so our citizens will have to tithe towards that goal.
We would unabashedly fund pro-democracy movements around the world, partly with government funding and partly with donations from American citizens. Through these donations we would seek to double the budgets of the CIA and our Special Forces, seek to fund an international mercenary force for good and provide our veterans unparalleled health care.
Not sure what that
unparalleled health care bit tacked on as casual aside to the crowd funded mercenary army_ is about. Our manifestly superior national health care is very sketchy indeed compared to many of the nations we'll be conquering, even for our veterans, and good luck getting
unparalleled health care for the troops through our manifestly superior Congress.
We would urge our leaders, after their service in the U.S. Senate and Congress, to seek dual citizenship in other nations, like France and Italy and Sweden and Argentina and Brazil and Germany, and work to influence those nations to adopt laws very much like our own. We might even fund our leaders' campaigns for office in these other nations.
Okaaaaay.
We would accept the fact that an American jihad could mean boots on the ground in many places in the world where human rights are being denigrated and horrors are unfolding. Because wherever leaders and movements appear that seek to trample upon the human spirit, we have a God-given right to intervene — because we have been to the mountaintop of freedom, and we have seen the Promised Land spanning the globe.
Okaaaaaaaay.
An American jihad would never condone terrorist acts of violence against our adversaries or the targeting of people simply because their beliefs are different from ours. But for those who malignantly demonstrate their intentions to subjugate others, there would be no quarter.
We will not suffer kindly to people who target others because their beliefs are different or who demonstrate an intention to subjugate others, but if you don't recognize our God-given right to intervene as God's chosen Promised Land and therefore change your nation's charter documents, core beliefs and way of life in accordance to what we tell you to do we will fuck you up big-time. That message may need some further polishing, or at least some new innovations in cinematography to make it go down better.
An American jihad would turn back and topple the terrible self-loathing in our citizens set in motion by President Obama, beginning with his "apology tour” — a psychological plague.
In that it was a "plague" that existed only in the "psychological" nether regions of certain nitwits, I suppose that would count. We would also accept "ephemeral" or "imagined after drinking an entire bottle of cough syrup."
But I am beginning to worry I am being unfair to Ablow. Up above their I suggested that Ablow wanted citizens to tithe towards the creation of this new American conquering force, but tithe is itself a loaded religious term that I affixed to it in jest, I don't think—
An American jihad would make every tax dollar a tithing and the squandering of those dollars a sin. An American jihad would make every hour spent working in an American company — or founding one — an offering. An American jihad would make every teacher of American history not only a public servant, but a servant of the Truth.
Okaaaaaaaaaaay.
We the People of the United States are good and we are right. And we need the spirit of an American jihad to properly invite, intensify and focus our intentions to preserve, protect and defend our Constitution here at home, and to seek to spread its principles abroad.
Again I'm going to remind you of my longtime prediction vis-a-vis Fox News personality Dr. Keith Ablow, which is that of all the talking heads ever to appear on Fox News, he is far and away the one most likely to be caught with a dozen—no, let's say three dozen, possibly four—dismembered human bodies decomposing under his house. This is presuming, of course, that our future American Utopia will continue to have laws against dismembering people and burying the remains under your house. If Dr. Keith Ablow is put in charge of crafting our new world order and new One World Government, 'Merica Style, and this column would appear to be his bid for the position, we don't know for sure that such a thing would still be illegal. It's possible that it would become a perfectly reasonable action to dismember people who doubted the divine origins and ultimate perfection of our Founding Documents and bury them under your house. Perhaps they were foreigners who insisted on a parliamentary system with a severely weakened executive branch. Perhaps they objected to our national leaders moving to their countries and crowd funding bids for office there in an attempt to convert the uncivilized bastards of France and Italy and Sweden to Americanism.
Perhaps one of them suggested to Dr. Keith Ablow that perhaps America did not have a unique God-given right to demand they comply with the specific structures of our own Constitution, and Dr. Keith Ablow's tithe-funded mercenary army of do-gooders killed them on the spot. It all sounds very reasonable, when you start with the presumption that God Himself wants you to declare jihad on anyone who does not comport themselves as your nation's manifest destiny has declared they should.
It will need some compelling cinematography, this new world jihad to establish America as the only true and pure democratic force. It will require a lot of flags, and some dramatic music, and some heroes with strong chins and stern expressions. All the women should be blonde—blonde is the hair color of national purity, after all—and all the men should be confident not only in their own movement's God-given superiority, but blistering in their attacks of dissenters within the national ranks. Fortunately for Dr. Keith Ablow Fox News already has all of these particulars solidly nailed down, so gaining the expertise necessary to craft and sell his new imagined world order will probably only require a stroll down the hall.